Don't contact me again, she e-mails;
she won't attend family gatherings,
will not show up at birthdays.
Something's wrong with this woman
who doesn't love her children
and thinks only of herself.
Could she be manic depressant
with these ups and downs
highs and lows?
Like riding a roller coaster;
not knowing what
will set her off again.
Walking on egg shells
isn't fun, why should kids
suffer through each day?
Her oldest now lives with us;
second is in a group home,
two youngest still with their mom.
For how much longer, we wonder;
nervous break down iminent
so we need to intervene now.
How heartbreaking this is
when we deal with those we love;
our daughter needs some help.
Author notes
POW
Theme: mental illness
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week ( POW ) by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended November 28, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my free verse by leander.
400 points, ended January 6, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Mental ilnesses are very hard to deal with, because one might never know what is going on in the mind of the person suferring from this...
Thank you very much for entering this contest - I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
Wonderful
Very well done. A great take on the theme. Congratulations on your honorable mention.
-
Great write so many need help these days.
-
OH MY LORD,
I am speechless. This hits me so deep in my gut...I feel every single word, relating with the situtation. My heart breaks! Wow! Fantasic write, full of REAL LIFE AND TRUE EMOTIONS.
-
Hi Erika,
It's heartbreaking to read poetry like this, knowing it comes from someplace deep within the poet and has such personal meaning. I wish the world wasn't like this, yet it's good to see how a parent can be loving and understanding despite everything.
Technically, I think Zach and Bear are correct in their critiques. I'd just like to add, that sometimes when a poem is so emotional to a poet, you may want to let it "rest" a bit and then go back to it with a fresh eye. I think you might be able to pick up on those areas that need smoothing out a little easier if you have some distance from it. Not that you can ever have too much distance from something like this, but hopefully you know what I mean.
Thanks so much for joining us again, and best of luck to you.
~J. -
~Erika
**much** better than last time.
There is something that touches my core with this write... it is so very hard to look at the physical aspects of this when it is so emotionally packed, but I must do my job.
So here goes.
There is something that strikes me as a bit off with your syntax and punctuation. I am an Associated Press trained Copy Editor, and I would, probably, restructure this entire write. This impacts a few areas on my scoreboard.
However, you have many of the important things for the PO' requirements... the POWER of your words and the amazing thoughts that you bring to my mind. I am confident that this will score high.
Good luck
* grammar - 8.9
* syntax/flow - 9
* understandability - 10
* uncommon theme - 10
* overall impression - 10
* effectiveness of title - 9.7
* ability to hook reader - 9.8
* ability to follow rules - 10
* presentation / visual appeal - 9.4
* effective use of poetic devices - 10
Total : 96.8
I've given better scores....
-
Oh my ~
OK Erika......this is one of your better writes.......but.....I am going to be blunt right up front ~
If you had used...........wait.....let me start again ~
I think...........this entry had the ability to place in the top 3 scores for this POW contest ~
Let me tell you why I think it will get hit the hardest ~
Punctuation and Flow ~
You have created a Masterpiece entry here......but you left it hanging out to dry, and all of the punctuation dripped off somwehere.......and my tongue kept stumbling ~
However.........even though ( I ) felt this was in need of punctuation to soften your flow and even out your tone.....it does not mean I am correct ~
With that said......I know this will score highly, and if it doesn't make the top 3-5, I'll be Very surprised ~
Let's see how it scores on My scoreboard, okay?
Good luck Hun.....and thank you for continuing to bring your talents to the PO' contests ~
It is always a delight to see what you will bring us each week,
Bear ~
Title 9.55
Flow 9.25
Depth 10
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.3
Presentation 10
Uncommonness 9.65
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 97.75
Great score.....good luck!
:)
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So sad
what a sad place to be in life and so many are there depression is truly hard on everyone not just the person going through it. Good luck in the contest.
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Also...
I hope this isn't a true life write...but blessings to you and your family, either way!
Take care.
Write on!
*PEACE* -
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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