Swirls surround of seemingly endless sleep
Stars sparkle, whispers of forgotten dreams
Pillows of clouds, spoken secrets
softly speaking the words
"I Love You"
Moon's surrender, greeting sun
as his rays slither though slats in the blinds
Onto souls hidden under silk sheets
rainbows of winter seep warmth saying
"Open Your Eyes"
Seeing sunrise, sky's joy
stirring yellows oranges pinks blues
Slippered toes into stockings brushing
mine against yours, six senses speaking
"Good Morning"
~~~
Author notes
Hear the "s" sounds? I wanted to make this poem sound more like a whisper.
rockerchkpoet
female
My name is Cassie and I am 15. From this contest (Teen Idol), I hope to get honest critiques on my poetry so I can become a better poet.
A contest entry
- Anything goes by Rulebreaker.
500 points, ended December 5, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best prewrites- ROUNDS!!! by seasonsoflove.
525 points, ended December 18, 2007, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Soo beautifully written, you have captured the little moments of joy while being sensitively in touch with the sorroundings, i loved this piece, very commendable! truly great piece!
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This is really cute, Cassie. Good job.
When you read it out loud, it does sort of sound like you're whispering it. That was skill, sweetheart. Complete skill. You're truly talented, especially for your age.
Vhoori
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haha my score for you was kind of an underate. this is different from how you write now, but this was actually pretty good.
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absolutely stunning. worthy of a gold, i'd say! ^-^ ♥
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Keep on writing! This is truly a lovely poem. I love it!
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This is beautifully written, I really love the "s" sounds all the way through. You have a real talent. Keep writing!
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Love it
This is amazing, I love it. Most poetry I read invokes a little bit of emotion in me, usually sadness at that. This is one of the few I've read that I actually felt it. In my mind as I read, it was a whisper. This is beautiful -
Easy Like Sunday Morning
I really enjoyed this poem. I like the S theme througout, reminded me of whispers like you said and also made it sound very... soft and hazy, like an early morning. The other thing worth mentioning was the "I love you", "open your eyes" and "good morning" used at the end of each stanza. This further accentuated the whisper factor AND the feeling of an early morning wake up intertwined with your partner on a lazy sunday morning.
Any piece that can conjur up feelings, emotions or take you to a place like you have, is really great. And I thank you for sharing this with us here at AP. Great work.
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It's an amazing poem!!!
Great job! I love it...
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This is impressive writing. It captures the softness and tranquility perfectly, and makes me want to go back to bed, just to relive that tranquility.
Wonderfully written and well formed.
Bravo
'D' (Scott)
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awesome
this was indeed soothing and gave a very traquil feel to the piece, a joy to read, and very creative using the 's' to bring out a whisper in the mind of a reader great job on this
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This is beautiful.
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257
[out of 10]
originality: 10
creativity: 10
Catchy Title: 4
Transitions: 7
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 14
(Balance of) ideas: 11
Length: 15
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 14
Interesting opening: 19
Effective ending: 17
Universal Theme: 20
Flow: 20
Focus: 20
Passion/Emotion: 12
[out of 25]
Message: 23
Initial impact: 20
Final impact: 21
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 257
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i think you do an excellent job and fulfill your goal of making it sound like a whisper good work keep it up!
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Hello,
Congratulations, you have made the first cut. I will be making a second cut. In order for you to have a chance at making it past the next cut is to apply for this group. Please look for the information that is required for you to give me, so that you can join; don’t worry, it is only two things: username and gender. This will help me organize making cuts better. Thank you.
Again, congratulations, and good luck.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
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This is pretty good. I like it.
I think this shows you have the potential-
you may have a chance of making it through to the Top 20. We'll see.
I like the onomatopeia.
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great job on this one. it is beautiful!
"Slippered toes into stockings brushing
mine against yours, six senses speaking"
best lines of the whole thing... anyway, great job and best of luck in this contest!
~rocklover91 -
this is just an amazing write and it was beautifully and cleverly written. i love this well done and best of luck
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this was beautiful.
i really really liked this.
i mean wow. the wordplay. the scheme in general.
very good. veryyyy good
haha when i figure out how to link stuff on my page, do you mind if i link this?
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No, I don't mind at all! Thank you for your comment!
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Beautifully written! I loved it. Good Luck
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Wow! This is amazing and one of the best I have read in a long time. You reached your goal, this poem is like a wgisper. Wonderful! I'm nominating it for the front page.
Love,
Amera♥
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Thank you so much!
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Well done, you have really outdone yourself here, this should be a contest winner, Love Dad
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wow.... Wow WOW! This is an amazing write love. you did well on the whisper effect. I just.. wow!!!!!!! It's incredible!
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