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Immortal

Thirty-one years ago, she was born by the sea,
two people in love, and baby made three.


A whirlwind romance that quickly died,
nobody came running when poor baby cried.
By three, she'd known more fathers than most,
the man in her memories, already a ghost.

Mama stuck needles into her arm,
didn’t protect baby or keep her from harm.
Placed with a new family at the age of five,
with loving parents, she started to thrive.


Her happiness ended one fateful day,
when the screech of tires took her parents away.
Off to a foster home poor baby went,
then came the counselors she grew to resent.

A brand new family by the time she was eight,
an abusive father that filled her with hate.
She learned to hide shame and fear as well,
dying inside while rotting in hell.


In the mid of the night, the monster would feed,
until a dark evening when she made daddy bleed.
As a young teenager, she hustled a buck,
had a place of her own, she was up on her luck.

Her cowboy came courtin’, one hell of a guy,
within one month, he blackened her eye.
He loved her, he hated her, he made her his own,
sadly for her, this was her happiest home.


When one punch too many confined her to bed,
she had to relearn things knocked out of her head.
Another closed chapter in her diary from hell,
just one more story she survived to tell.
Now a young woman, experienced in life,
looking into the eyes of a man with a knife.
She chuckles, he’s startled, he expected her fear,
he realizes quickly, there’s no victim here.


For she is immortal, kinda feels bad for the guy,
What luck to pick a girl with a gun who cant die.

Author notes

The point is survival, and finding strength in it.

LIFE - I read the rules, lol. : )

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • NeverRegret
    December 3, 2008
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    great write i love the story line its different and great good luck


  • loveisfreedom
    October 10, 2008

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    this was so cool

    I loved this one so much it was wonderfully written it was a lot of fun to read it told a sad but true story that is true for to many. Children should not haft to grow up in such a condition that they in no way disserve good write keep it up.


  • doesne1care
    October 7, 2008

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    wow, dont know what to say exect wow! really powerful and bought tearrs to my eyes.

    thankyou xx


  • goat1826
    June 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Another great write
    Wouldn`t expect anything less from you Jamie


  • GodsRebelChild
    May 29, 2008

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    This was a great write...foster care sux and I went throught a lot of what happened...this was great tho you did a excellent job


  • N e a r
    April 22, 2008

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    I think the title and the poem really go hand in hand with this one. The beginning seemed to go from happy to disappointing in a split second.. Disappointing meaning sad, terrible, memories gone.. It gets underneath the skin. Then, another thing happens where she is taken away... and then beaten down again. Then the reoccurences and just the stress that had to be taken.. It's hard for a child. You described everything so perfectly.. Thanks for your entry.


  • angelcalled666
    April 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely hun

    This is really good

    and everytime I think of it for the next week or so
    I am gonna get a feeling in my stomach..
    like someone just kicked me

    10/10


  • TabbyCat
    March 27, 2008
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    Intesnse, and I liked it. Weird, but I understood. Thanks for the entry.


  • Zixaphir
    March 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, nice. After all that abuse, she found strength in her hate, and what power it ended the write with.


  • BeautifulCalamity08
    February 1, 2008
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    I loved this piece...it was exactly what I was looking for! Thank you so much for entering this it really brightened my day to know someone listens to what I say...haha...but thanks again and really I loved this!

    Lee-Ann...

    PS...did I mention I loved this?? lol

  • A floatingleaf silver member
    January 6, 2008
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    An awesome write, a well deserved silver...

  • dillpickle62
    December 30, 2007

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    Whoa!

    The beauty of love by the sea making three caught my eye. Needless to say the rest of this excellent poem took me by surprise. I'm with jessebyrons on this one. Said the best. Lemons and shit hot poems. Wow, Wow. I wish I could give a hundred claps.


  • Ellis gold member
    December 13, 2007

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    God, this is good

    I don't know what to say about something that is so good and technically so well written. Recount the story? pointless. I love well written poems that rhyme and are not obscure such that you don't know for sure what they are saying. You don't write like that. Praise God!
    --------------


  • jessebyrons
    December 13, 2007

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    When life hands you lemons,.......write a shit hot poem. Reading your stuff, I can't help but see Pain caught in a cage with you poking it with a stick yelling "who's fucking who now"? A pleasure to read.


  • hatingthispain2
    December 11, 2007

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    DAYUM

    Wow. This is really good. I can't even imagine how much you put into this. This is really an amazing piece. I also am speechless. No matter what I say it isn't going to count up to how good this is.
    Fantabulous job =]


  • Menace
    December 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Oh Shit!

    Where are all the trophies? My heart sank and by the end I was saying, "Get em' girl. Do yo thang!"
    Damn. I'm speechless...and I'm never speechless.
    Someone better have some good shit to top this!


  • trista gold member
    November 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm in complete agreement with the other judges about your poem. There is so much to note here that's good, and many poets don't put quite as much importance on good grammar, punctuation, and spelling as others do. To me though, (and I think you'll see by the other comments too) it can be the differece between good and great. I hope you'll take some of the suggestions given and polish this up just a tad bit. The poem is wonderful, and really deserves it.

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.


  • ZachP gold member
    November 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    This is a powerful write.... and as Bear said, this had the power to be an amazing write.... but there were many things that threw me off.

     

    The first stanza was a huge block of text, and it did not look very visually appealing. However, I dug in, and I found an amazing scribe that was very impeded by bad punctuation.

     

    But this is, overall, great.

    A true diamond in the rough.

     

    Good luck.

     

    * grammar - 9.7

    * syntax/flow - 8

    * understandability - 10

    * uncommon theme - 9.9

    * overall impression - 9.8

    * effectiveness of title - 8.5

    * ability to hook reader - 8.9

    * ability to follow rules - 10

    * presentation / visual appeal - 9

    * effective use of poetic devices - 9.7

    Total: 93.5

     

    Not bad, but this had the ability to be one of the best.


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 27, 2007

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    Dang ~

    All I am going to say about this entry...........is that it had the chance to be the best read, and the best entry thus far ~

     

    However......punctuation and flow distracted me BIG TIME about 2/3 of the way through ~

    You have Power.....Impact....Emotions.....Thoughts.....etc.....and this is what we look for ~

     

    I think you had the chance to ROCK my world with this entry.....but it is going to take a few hits in some categories ~

     

    Let me just finish, saying....you have talent.....and if you don't show back up with Quill in hand for the POM contest, I'll hunt your talents down!

     

    Best of luck to you Poet.....thank you for entering,

     

     

    Bear ~

     

     

    Title   9.3

    Flow   9.15

    Depth   10

    Theme   10

    Feelings   10

    Grammar   9.45

    Presentation 8.75

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  10

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score:  96.65

    Nice job Poet!


  • Quill
    November 26, 2007

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    A gold trophy should be winging its way to you,
    great story told so well with brilliant imagery and easy on the eye rhymes.


  • islekine gold member
    November 25, 2007
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    Wow...what a story!

    Best wishes in the contest!
    Write on!
    *PEACE*


  • jcat gold member
    November 25, 2007

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    OH MY GOSH!!!! How is it that you write things that I feel so much of the time??? This was so similar to my life at the end its not even funny!!! The last time he came at me was kinda comical as well and when I stood up to him....finally.....he backed down quickly. All I could think of was "this was all I had to do to end that shit?" so many of the times they are just overgrown cowards...... Thank you for another fabulous write!!!!


  • Green Manalishi gold member
    November 25, 2007

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    Catchy couplets!

    Very well written, excellent pace, story, and expressions. You're always on the edge of madness and genius.

    I must offer these points for the last two lines: "For she's an..." and "Tough luck to pick..."

    Great stuff, high art!

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