She turns,
responding to his voice,
only crunch of frozen grass
and brusque remembrance meets
her abruptly amputated smile.
Flags stir restless
in the pointless draft
shredded stripes
bled blue, withered white and ravaged red.
Little blond girl in light blue gingham
laughs amongst upright bleached stones,
calls momma
and runs headlong into her arms
looking up into her eyes
with the shining he used to show her.
It's too overwhelming
to endure.
Small smile,
after trace of tear has dried.
She holds her daughter,
her last gift of him
and sighs with the breath
of the brittle breeze.
Author notes
POW
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week ( POW ) by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended November 28, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Truth About War by BlackSwan.
550 points, ended May 28, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Want One, Please x's 2 by Heavenly Angel.
700 points, ended August 13, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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So very deeply poignant and heart-rending
You did a fine job in crafting this piece and I really can't add more than what's already been stated
All the best in your writing endeavors!
Bravo!
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Pointless Shafts and Pointed Drafts
Alexander Pope's Essay on Criticism includes the following words :
"'Tis hard to say if greater want of skill
Appear in writing or in judging ill;
But of the two less dangerous is th'offence
To tire our patience than mislead our sense:
Some few in that, but numbers err in this;
Ten censure wrong for one who writes amiss;
A fool might once himself alone expose;
Now one in verse makes many more in prose."
Although for those skimming superficially through your writing, seeking to emPOWer themselves through petty contest requirements they seldom observe when the proverbial boot is on the other foot, and for those, like myself, who find most 'free verse' lies more in the domain of self-congratulatory rant than that of wordcraft, one cannot fail to underscore the fact that this outstanding work deserves far more attention than it has apparently received.
Poetry like fine wine and like champagne is encouraged to settle for years, in respect of the latter the bottles are traditionnally turned several degrees annually ... and the analogy can be extended to corrections and fresh perspectives that could fortuitously occur over time.
That there may be areas later perceived deserving of revision is irrelevant, the diamond is not criticized for the bedrock in which it lay for millions of years, nor, necessarily for some occlusions which could contribute unique reflections through 'cunningly' crafted facettes (cunningly in the 18th century sense of the term) or unique facettes through cunningly crafted reflections.
I was struck by the comparison between our entries to this contest, and thus a congratulatory comment sprung from spring - "coule de source" as the French would say. Beneath the "effets de style" that some may feel snow, and others shadow this composition, there appears to be talent deserving greater recognition than AP alone could presume to offer.
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This poem creates strong imagery. I can visualize the disgraceful flag and the young blonde american, now without a father. The tragedies of war are immense, and they are cruel.
good write
-Thank you for your entry, Angi Terese -
Without having the theme, you took away a great chunk of my understanding.... *sigh* .... that will touch a number of areas of your scoring from me...
What I did see in this poem were some excellent images and wonderful metaphors. This just didn't really appeal to me.
Good luck,
* grammar - 9.5
* syntax/flow - 10
* understandability - 8
* uncommon theme - 9
* overall impression - 8.5
* effectiveness of title - 9.8
* ability to hook reader - 8
* ability to follow rules - 9
* presentation / visual appeal - 10
* effective use of poetic devices - 9.9
Total: 91.7
Remember that this is just my opinion....
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Zach...........
..........are you crazy??
You been sniffin the glue at school again Big Boy?
OY!
Bear ~ -
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Yanno, Bear, I read this, I took my notes, and this is how I feel about this... I don't take anything else into opinion... I don't look at your comments, nor Julie's comments....
If you want to call it glue sniffing, go ahead.
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There is really very little I can say about this that hasn't already been said. Not to mention, it is penned very well, with only few and minor changes I'd even suggest.
I do agree with the earlier comments about the word "pointless" in L7. It's certainly okay...but I think there are better choices to describe the word "draft" in this poem.
This tells such a bittersweet story, bringing out emotions without ever naming them. Lovely.
Thank you so much for the entry, and good luck to you. I hope you'll be joining us again in future PO contests.
Best wishes,
~J. -
Wow..............
.......you truly captured me.......and the second time around was a Gem for sure ~
I think with some punctuation, this would make for an incredible entry, and score highly in all categories ~
I am saddened, that you did not place your Theme in your AN ~
NO EDITING!!!!
.....as this will deduct a whole point from each Judge :(
This is a very heartfelt and thought provoking entry, as I have been to many Veterans Memorials, and just stared.....thinking......all of the love and pride each of these fallen soldiers wore on their sleeve and deep within their hearts ~
I do hope you continue to bring your talent to us, so that we may read more of your work ~
An excellent entry.........but Rules will cost ya ~
The best to you and your entry ~
Bear ~
Title 10
Flow 9.75
Depth 9.6
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 8.95
Presentation 10
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 9
Bears Score: 97.3
Very nice score ~
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Hurry and put *POW* and your theme in your author notes, or you will lose points!!! It would be a shame for something so small to kill a poem like this
The one grammar pointer I'd note is in line 7. "Flags stir restless" I think it would be best to add a comma after the 'stir', making it "Flags stir, restless". Also, you use very little punctuation. I'd sprinkle in a few more commas and periods and semicolons. They really help the flow in a free verse poem.
There was just one line break that I found troublesome: lines 4-6
"and brusque remembrance meets
her abruptly amputated
smile"
Breaking up that sentence 3 times seemed a bit too much to me, especially when you're splitting verb from object and adjective from the noun it describes.
The vast majority of your phrases are gorgeously crafted, but one stood out to me as needing improvement. The line "in the pointless draft" stuck out a bit. I don't really see a draft as ever having a 'point', per se. It has a funny sound to it. I would use aimless (aim meaning direction, rather than goal) or capricious or stray. But that's a pretty small note.
I am teetering between approving of the repetition of the word smile, and not liking it. On the one hand, I firmly believe in the separation and isolation of close associates whenever possible. On the other hand, it recalls the reader to the earlier stanza and signals a return to the woman as the subject. I think it works, but it's something to think about.
I have to say this poem does something that is SO hard to do. A writer named E.B. White once said: "A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer... He unzips the veil from beauty, but does not remove it. A poet utterly clear is a trifle glaring."
I think he would have been just as impressed with this poem as I am.
Your theme shines through; you have unzipped beauty's veil. But you haven't removed it. You don't tell us exactly what you're talking about; you leave us a trail of bread crumbs to discover your theme. I love the perfect balance you've achieved. I fully understand your meaning, but you give me room to examine and uncover it in my own mind. Tremendously well done!
I enjoyed your images, like that of the girl in light blue gingham, or the shredded flags, or bleached stones. Such vivid, descriptive phrases.
Also, you craft sentences so skillfully. Amputated smile is unique and piquing, and I adore the alliteration of "the breath/of the brittle breeze" (although I do recommend adding a period at the end of that line.)
Overall, I can think of no better word for this piece than poignant. You captured my heart and didn't let it go until the last line drew me sweetly to the close.
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Nicely penned.
I would try to find another word for pointless, in one spot or another....it's rather redundant the way it reads.
Write on. Best wishes in the contest!
*PEACE* -
This is remarkable it brings a picture to my mind. a letter needs to be added to finish a word in the last paragraph. this is quiet remarkable.
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