To find comfort in pain
Enlighten by darkness
Feed your soul with acid rain
To make love with the seductress
The beauty of her exotics
Submerge in glittery dark
To preserve the hope refered as pessimistic
The quenched spark
To live the life in death
To see the visions of the asleep
Hold your breath
Till you’re crown a headstone, rip
A contest entry
- Picture Inspired by azlyn.
586 points, ended December 8, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
very twisted, and impressive form loved the part "to preserve the hope refered as pessimistic", though I must admit I did not quit comprehend the last line.
-
such a clear description of what pain is.. oh, how we can draw ourselves up into balls of darkness. and to think if we never came out? ah...
some things i thought kind of took away from the quality of the poem were:
the rhyming. it gets a little choppy and takes away from the flow. for example.. third stanza:
The beauty of her exotics
Submerge in glittery dark
To preserve the hope refered as pessimistic
The quenched spark
a really powerful part, and the first two lines are perfect. but 'the quenched spark' has so few syllables that it really stops the rhythm. "submerge in glittery dark" has 7 syll. compared to the last lines' 3...
so try to balance out the syllables in the rhyming scheme, and the poem will flow much better.
all in all. this poem has a lot of character, is unique, and has a lot of potential. It just needs a bit of tweaking here and there. Cheers.
-
So totally dark!!! Very nice write...thanks for entering and best of luck in the contest!!!
Blessings~
Az
Adding your comment:
