I sit in a dilemma of sight and sound, unable to feel a thing
Everyone scratching, clawing, but I have nothing to bring
Life and limb is taken and I’m left with noting but a name
I’m happy but others are disgruntled about the person I’ve became
Relentlessly swimming around in circles trying to find the air
Never ending waves of disappointment keep me in despair
It seems as if I’ve lost, and I want to stand aloof
No help is what I want; I'll win with my own proof
Don’t think you’ll get away, one day I will come across you
Your existence will vanish like the sun behind the ocean blue
I will destroy your world and send it crashing down
Until that day I will continuously wear a peeved frown
You’re a king of trickery, but I’m a mastermind of deception
Be cautious of my turmoil, I’m coming for you, no exception
A contest entry
- Whatcha got now? by Southern Darling.
700 points, ended January 1, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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FORCED RHYMING!!!!!!!!! No, no, NO
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ok.... 1) If your going to critique anyones work not just mine...you should give some good, then bad. Doing what you did just makes people hate you...2) If your going to critique anyones work give advice on how to fix the problem you found. and 3) it was not forced rhyming, i made every line how I thought it should have been. Thank you for your comment and feel free to critique any of my work just keep in mind how to properly critique someones write.
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Ah, yes, I apologize. I was in a bit of a mood when I commented on your poem, and I'm afraid I took it out on you. I should not have done so. Upon re-reading your poem, I'll admit that I still found the rhyming slightly forced, but this time picked up on the actual THEME of the verses. You've crafted some lovely turns of phrases, pretty chimes that fall off the tongue and draw the reader in. Really quite beautiful.
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Exceptional
Love it. Sounds like something i would write. the hook was my favorite part, and there was nothing wrong with your poem. There was voice in it, and made me feel as if i were apart of the poem. Makes me realize how amazing you poets can write! keep it up! love!
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