Let's get one thing out of my hair
I always wondered do you care
Will you always be right there
For me which in turn to share
My soul
If I'm lost in the cold night
Will you bring me back to light
To act as my shining knight
To take away this daily fright
From my mind
With all your heart, will you try
To stop the tears from when I cry
To keep my memory if I die
Make my life a pleasent lie
At heart
Enough ramblings for one day
Now what do you have to say?
Or is it just that you may
Stay in silence where you lay
My love
Author notes
Okay. Sooo...I figured..hey..I'm sure everyone will do 3 lines and then a fourth. So I tried 4 lines and then a 5th! I think it turned out okay. =]. Each stanza is just a different thought of whatever the 5th line said. What do you think?
In a list
A contest entry
- Triplets! by cricketjeff.
699 points, ended November 26, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best of 2007 by B Chandler.
1000 points, ended December 30, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Input always loved...thanks.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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To say the least...the title of this has me tickled a bit
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Well done!
My favorite line is the first, I love seeing reinvention of overused sayings. I enjoyed the way the rhythm skipped around, it almost felt like playing hopscotch. It seemed like you had fun with the new form. You should see where it takes your muse. Thank you for sharing!
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Firstly, thank you so much for commenting my poem - it's nice to get feedback =].
Secondly, I must admit that I read your poem about ten times over. It is extremely well-written, despite the fact that it is simple; this increases its power and even makes it appeal more to the reader. It also made me feel as if you had really meant this with all of your heart... is it based on your experiences? The only criticism I can make is that the beat of the poem was not always constant, but I think that actually added additional character to it. Overall, an amazing read!
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Thank you for such an awesome comment! Indeed, the beat of the poem is off somewhat but I'm glad that you enjoyed it! =]
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Quads excellent! The only rhyme to object to is Knight/night but I'll let you off. Would have been better still had you got more similarity and development in your fifth lines. Definite finallist.
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With all your heart, will you try
To stop the tears from when I cry
To keep my memory if I die
Make my life a pleasent lie
At heart
That's my favorite stanza. Ok I loved the flow and I wish said person would dump said female and be with you!
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