Lack of Confidence

Just a tad uncomfortable, I glance nervously around the room.  Pulling awkwardly at the edge of the skirt.  Open and exposed I feel like any moment a breeze will come by and all forms of privacy will be crushed.  I glance at you, and see you smiling and I try to keep going through the day like this.  Taking deep breaths I try to steel myself and feel confident in this girly crap.  All those times I fought to be more boyish crushed when you said you wished I would wear short skirts and more revealing clothes.  A lump rises in my thoat and with it comes nerves and almost what feels like tears.  I choke it back and manage a wavering smile.  God I feel like such a priss, the very type of person I wouldn't let myself become.  It seems like any minute I will be carrying a small dog in a purse with those big hideous sunglasses on my face.  I almost gag at the mental picture and hope for the life of me that that doesn't happen.  I won't let it, you won't even let me go that far. 
With that in mind, I feel a little better. 

No one has ever been so frank with me and bluntly slapped one of my flaws in my face.  It's not a bad thing, and I'm glad that you can express that, and I'm sure that it will help me. It's just hard, and I feel terrible for being that way.  I can't help that I say one thing and then change my mind, well, I can, its just difficult.  Going on and on, you tell me how it bothers you and disappoints you when I say I'm going to dress up for you, and then end up dressing like I normally do.  It kind of makes me want to flinch and shy away, I disappointed you and that fact makes me feel terrible.  I know you don't mean to make me feel this way...to feel bad for the way I act and dress, my lack of confidence in myself.  But feeling that way is how I reacted.  Every accusation on how I feel about myself is like an attack.  I know that if you read this you'll feel really bad that you unintentionally made me feel this way, but I say to you in this, do not feel that way.  I know that I will come to appreciate your words, and already I can tell that this is going to change me.  Change can be a painful process, and this one can hardly be considered painful, as it is not, really.  It is just disconcerting the straightforward way that you said it, the open disapproval that you showed.  I appreciate it, honestly, and I'm glad that our relationship has come to that point in which we can do that.

Drop dead gorgeous.  That's what you called me.  That's what helped me the most, that was what made me feel the best about myself.  Not how you said that I don't have this, and I can't seem to do that, or how I don't do what I say I will.  That didn't necessarily feel to good.  But drop dead gorgeous.  No one has ever called me that before, and hearing it from you means the world to me.  That was the one thing that really made me want to dress nice for you.  Even when you said that your friends come up to you all the time and tell you that you're so lucky that your with me, and that I was "hot".  That even made me feel a little better.  I know that there are two ways that I can handle what you've brought to my attention.  I can either cower underneath it, or rise to it, which I'm sure is what you want me to do.  I plan on at least trying to rise to it. 

Today was just hard on me 's all.  Not only what you just brought to my attention, but also how I freaked out after everytime we had s*x, terrified of pregnancy.  Poking a little fun at me about how you wish you could find some way to make me unafraid. The way you were saying it making me feel even worse that I can't seem to fulfill your needs.  That I'm just not adequate enough, or when I do fulfill the need of your s*x drive, I ruin it by the afterwards. Once again, I know that you don't mean to make me feel this way, but once again I can't seem to help these reactions. I sit there and listen silently, barely responding, and that seems to once again upset you.  I don't respond because how am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to take what your saying.  Inside my heart is twisting and being bruised because the displeasure I have been bringing you.

I shrink away from bigger crowds of people I don't know, and I refrain from being random and hyper. Another thing of mine that upsets you. I had taught myself to be this way for years, and now you come in and tell me that you wish that I wasn't that way. Difficult news. Even more difficult to tear apart all that I built myself, all that I was proud of. My way of being mysterious, of not telling anyone everything, of being in my own little sheild, my dark but somewhat see through veil that distorts what others see, or at leasts confuses them. I worked for years on this, endless hours, doggedly fighting myself to be that way. All that work will be pointless now. Yet I plan on changing anyway. Why? Becuase, I love you, and whether or not that its smart to change because you want me to, doesn't matter.