So here I am once again
Holding these pillars up with my hands
Crackling bones twist and shout
As the furnace in my rib cage is burning up
Melting veins and burning blood
Are collecting on my skin
There’s a chasm in my chest
And my black heart burns in sin
Now tell me love, are you here with me?
Will you lie here in depravity?
I can’t promise you my sanity
But I offer you this on a broken back and bended knee
I captured a star in this velvet case
It will light your pretty face
As the sun touches down
And with the darkness that surrounds
The demons come and show their teeth
But they can’t hurt you and me
Just let it shine love let it shine
Along with your perfect smile
Now watch them die love watch them die
And stay with me all the while
So you can keep me safe
I know I can leave this place
Just lead me out by the hand
I can let go now the pillars stand
My blood will cool, my chest will mend
My black hearts not falling out again
- Theres Something Sexy About the Rain group list • next in list
A contest entry
- [GUYS ONLY] Impress Me by Sesheta.
630 points, ended March 30, 2008, 52 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I love the flow ofd this poem, it reads as a song, nice write
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Very lyrical work here. I can see this being a song. It speaks to me of a man with a lot of dark feelings toward life, and his lady, his salvation from himself.
This line stood out to me:
I captured a star in this velvet case
It will light your pretty face
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....hm...how exactly can I phrase this...I think this poem could use a little editing...seriously. if I was longer...like a song, as I'm sure you like to write...give a little more story...depth to it...it's like a teasing tidbit that I'm wondering where the rest is...
Some areas WERE awkward as x--butterflykisses already pointed out, but like I said, a little rephrasing, length, story, and it'll be...amazing. -
Wow. Okay.
Constructive Criticism first, I suppose:
"So you can keep me safe
I know I can leave this place
Just lead me out by the hand
I can let go now the pillars stand"
That was awkward. The rhyming was sort of cheesy. I don't know why.
Just kind of.
For the most part though, the consistancy was accurate enough.
I loved this.
I loved the beginning especially.
It set the mood which was an incredible intensity, of course, and was a wonderful descriptive image.
I don't really know what else to say, really.
But I really liked this.
I like how you closed it, as well.
And I think I like the tone most of all. How it's bitter, yet sweet, yet painful. I d'know.
But it was just grand.
Great job. < -
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yeah I know it doesnt really fit with the rest but its hard to show how this is supposed to be read. It actually a song, its almost all sing/screaming untill you get to that part then its more of a wind-down instrumental and its more of a kind of whisper. I dont know how to explain it, if I ever end up recording it ill let you know, but thanks for the critisism
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-- I just try to add cc to everything I read, because I like to get it, too.
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Oh, by all means, yes, show me if you record it. For shure.
But no, I know what you're talking about. I listen to stuff like that all the time.
And I'm sure it sounds better when sung and screamed and whatnot, just because that's how it was written.
I hope you didn't take offense to my cc? Because this is, really good. -
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No I never take offense unless its something ridiculous...or punctuation
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Wow. this just WOWS me.
sorry im not very good with commenting besides "this is AmaZING".
i was listening to three days grace-pain while reading this, and it just smoothed out PERFECTLY.
you are an amazing poet
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I like the style you write in and how it is really dark.
dark poetry is my thing.
good job.
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