Vicious words
spewed,
through sneering lips.
Cruel intentions
roil,
within his shriveled heart.
Greedy thoughts
writhe,
around that useless brain.
His truth,
so distorted,
even he
can't see through it.
lies and deception
have become his best friend.
Author notes
The title is strictly symbolic...for those that know the middle ages, there is a story about a tyrant who rules with a magical blade, killed his enemies and was, so he thought, invincible...but the fighting, in the end, took a toll on him....he stood against armies alone, killed them all, but died himself, due to the many wounds he received from his own blade...basically....his wicked deeds come back to haunt him without him realizing it, or by the time he does, it is too late...I chose to use this story, as a metaphor for modern day society, putting my own twist on things I suppose...sorry if it falls flat...tis my first attempt at going strictly on metaphor!!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Good metaphor ...
and a lesson to learn. Sneers bring sneers; death births death ... Wickedness does not go unseen by the Living God.
You have written a powerful poem, Laura ... Well done.
Love
Myra
-
Very nice! *claps* the story too is an interesting one. great job sweet stuff
More please!
-
-
LoL glad ya liked it hun...thanx for stoppin in to check it out...lord knows I'm no where near as good with words as you, so will take the applause as a lovely compliment *winks*
-
-
I think this is an incredible write! the wording is perfect, I love the free write form used here. It really allows the story to be told very well. Great job! I look forward to reading more from you.
-
Thanx for stopping in and reading/commenting on my piece..glad you liked it, and yes it's a metaphor, for society...authors notes state the true story of occam's razor giving the point behind the write, the title is simply symbolic, there to remind us of history...the write is strictly pointing to society, their/our actions will be the death of them/us... *shrugs*
-
This is outstanding. For me, not only the language ('roil!') but the form is important. It emphasises the thrust of the blade - spewed, roil, writhe. Fantastic motion in the piece here. I'm not sure the second stanza works as well as the first, but it works and in that the lengthening lines have a kind of slowing effect after the knife thrusting, a slow realization that he hs harmed himself. It would have been easy, given the story, to end this in his obvious physical death. I like that you haven't done that- instead it's implied in a future of self deception and lies. A death nevertheless.
My guess is that this is in no way a re-write of the legend, but more likely a metaphor for something or someone far more real. It's brilliantly done.
Really enjoyable, well crafted piece.
In fact having re-read it again, it gets even better. Thank you
-
I like the feel of this poem. It has layers, and indites the unjust in a subtle but powerful way. I also love the use of the word "roil". This is a first at witnessing such an astute use of the word. I also appreciate the author's note. They helped me to see past my first impression. Those notes made me re-read your poem with the facts in mind, and it came across as you intended.
An excellent writ poet. By the way... I love the title, it enhances the poetry.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
-
This poem combined with
the story in you AN
is enthralling!
I love your style,
word choices and metaphors.
Outstanding!
~Pastel
-
eeeeekk. lol i appreciate the allusion to myth. this poem would be of the metalcore genre if it was a song, being growled in a dark tone.
-
Comment on the writing itself, not the topic at hand, pay attention to the authors notes, and try not to make assumptions. Not everything in life is as it seems...and not all of history can be summed up in a line or two found in a dictionary...for those thinking this is the same ol "rant"..you're bound to run across the same ol shit different person discussing...be mature about it =)
-
it is like thoughts are taking over the mind as someone looking at the picture. imagery starts to show within words and slipping into another dimension.
all the best - sukhdarshan -
Good
Your words took stage and treated the reader to a glimpse of your imagination as your magic pen danced and brought forth such thoughts. Passionately written with poetic flare, the poem has a message and delivers it well.
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
