Of what use is the draught of immortality to me,
to linger in this perfectly silent eternal night,
if I'm fated to only dream of you,
and drown in my whirlpool of endless tears?
As there can be no salvation without sacrifice,
then damn me, for I cannot give you up,
even if I never had you from the beginning.
Oh how fate toys with me!
You prick at me,
you sting my heart with your words,
and yet it is you I wish for,
no, you I need and burn for!
If I had known that you would succumb to the trials
and the tests of my love,
I would have cherished you,
rather than let you fall into the fire.
But alas! The ember of my heart lies cold and dead,
alone in the prison of my body, where not even the ashes
can stir. I'm forever trapped in you, unable to live again,
and this is the most tragic loss.
Author notes
Like I said, constructive criticism please. I really want to stand a chance at getting this entered into a school publication. I want it to be amazing, lol, so if there are any parts you my readers feel are weak, or could be changed, please, please let me know!
In a list
I'm planning on submitting this to a publication, so please edit me hardcore!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
I dont know how much adjusting you have already done but from where I am sitting this poem already is amazing.
-
heya just a quick thought how about trapped sacrifice
always
ace -
My dearest , alas I cannot think of a title eloquent enough to grace the pages of your work. Again I am at a loss. Gorgeous work my love, gorgeous work.
-
this poem is so well-written.
it is also so sad and full of longing. also, regret is pretty much screaming from the lines. very powerful.
-
thats sick!
Very well written. I see much progress in this poem. Great job! 2 thumbs up! How do you make a thumbs up bye the way? I learned grin from you thank god cause I only knew happy sad and roll!LOL!
-
Very Sad!!
This is a beautiful poem speaking of tragic feelings. It's not fun to have them but thay seem to happen to everyone at some point in their lives. Time heals. Warm Regards...vivela
-
Beautiful
Awesome job on this poem, I can feel the emotion within and I can honestly say I've been there myself... You've told a true hearted story, painting the picture very well...
-
Wow this is brilliant, sharp, dark and full of love and longing, yet on the obsessive side. Well done. I liked it.
-
Very cool poem.
After reading the poem, I thought a good title might be "The Most Tragic Loss" That would work well.
Keep up the good work. -
This is a great write!
Really knocked my socks off, it's so full of intense feeling.
You have certainly captured some pretty excellent imagery and the title is great. A perfect match for your creation.
Beautifully dark and touching!
-
What about tragic love?Whatever you decide this is a great piece.So sad.Sounds like you are haunted by someone who does not appieciate your undying devotion and love.The cost of sacrifice you have given to this person is undeniable and is spoken so hauntinly in this.Sorrow and pain I cannot express enough to you,my hope is that you move on and find someone who is worthy of the love you can give to them.
-
Excellent write....
A fantastic write...Very nice poetry..I was hesitant to click on this write..but Im so very pleased that I have ...smiles
Really wonderful write...bravo...
Peace and many blessings
~A~
-
Great!
Wow, what an amazing poem! I really enjoyed how strong it was and how it was full of emotion. It flowed perfectly and kept me reading through to the end with no hangups. Thank you for sharing.
-Tim
P.S.-Sorry, but I can't think of a better title than the one you're already using...
-
ahhh... know this feeling hon. sometimes they pick you up only to cut you to pieces... at times i feel like my heart's been through a paper shredder. very nicely worded and i have nothing but compassion for you. a beautiful piece although unfortunately a very sad subject. i love the title and dont know why you want to change it
hugs,
georgie,
xxx
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
