I minced into the kitchen,
Awoken from my nap,
by a drip drip dripping
from the
tap tap tap...
Hello?
Who is it?
a-knocking at my door?
and looking through the window
at my shadow
on the floor...
...to clieling
on the walls all painted white
I'm tapping out a pattern
through the
night night night...
...'s descending
the moon arising high
drowning out the darkness
with the beauty
of it's light...
...ly cold out
and I should be warm in bed,
but a rhythm keeps a-tappin'
in my
head head head...
...'s a bobbin'
like a metronome in time,
and it's keepin' me from sleepin'
like a diamond keeps its shine...
Author notes
Find the rhythm... feel the flow...
A contest entry
- Sound in Poetry by jocelynclaire.
400 points, ended December 13, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Where does it take you?
Comments
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very nice write, strong flow and rhythm throughout. i enjoyed the whole thing and its certainly a shame that this poem hasn't attracted the amount of attention it deserves.
I'm not quite so much of a fan for things that repeat whole sounds or words, like "head head head". i think that you could have produces a stronger piece with something more like
"but a rhythm keeps on tappin'
and a rappin' in my head.
and perhaps you could improve the flow if on the second last line you had two extra syllabols at the start to extend the line to
"AND IT'S keepin' me from sleepin'
like a diamond keeps its shine."
Thanks for the read, keep it up.
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Awesome comment. Thanks for taking the time!
The word repetition is something that I'm not generally a huge fan of either, but in this case, I wrote the piece with a children's schoolyard rhyme in mind. Specifically, the one that came to mind when I read the contest for some reason was 'Miss Mary had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell..." so I stole a couple of ideas from there, and took it in my own direction.
The repetion was a deliberate device intended to 'kiddify' the piece. The edit you suggested with respect to the word repeition does make sense, and I see where you're going with it.
I really like your addition of the two syllables in the last stanza. I'm going to make that change right now in fact.
I'm gla dyou liked it!
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Wonderful grasp of the concept of the contest! The consisten rhythym works well to accent your use of sound, to the point of almost being able to `hear` it as one reads. Thanks for your entry!
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