The rain beats at my heart,
soaking it's tranquility into a jewel encrusted box.
Can it take me through the clouds,
to shape my fate in an artist's path?
Will it raise it's sword to curse my trail,
placing my trust in retreating waves?
Raindrops dance on my fingertips,
and freedom lands softly in the air,
a breath away from every thumping heart.
A contest entry
- In Search Of Inspirational Poetry by Errant Panther.
500 points, ended November 28, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Survival of the Wittiest by Avatar of Innocence.
500 points, ended February 4, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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The title was quite intriguing...I thought it was great...however, my interest declined with every line of this poem.
Line 1: cliche'...please find another metaphor for rain and another word for heart...
Line 2: it's is a contraction for "it is" if you want to show the possessive "it" use its. Jewel encrusted box is also a bit cliche': you can reword it or find another metaphor for jewel (prismatic, faceted, gem-bound et cetera). I id however, find the word "encrusted" unique and seldom used as a word.
Line 3: hmm...try another word for clouds, maybe a specific type of cloud: cumulus, nimbulo-stratus, nimbus...
Line 4: Hmm...this line seems a bit ambiguous (or maybe I'm just stupid, take your pick) do you refer to the rain or the speaker of this poem's heart? You don't have to make clear distinctions, just something to think about. You want to have some mystery to your poem, but at the same time, the reader also needs to have something to take away from it, an understanding of some sort (my professor's idea, not mine).
Line 5: same contraction problem...and ambiguity problem...
Line 6: I did enjoy this line, it was very interesting in its provocative inquery and pointedness.
Line 7: Cliche'...you can improve it...
Line 8: why did you choose the word "freedom"? I understand the power of this word and its meaning, but it doesn't seem as impactful as it would have...it does seem a bit out of place as well, however, a synonym or symbol of freedom would do better in the place of the actual word.
Last line: I am in stuck in the middle about the merit of your last line. The way you phrased the sentence seems as original as can be, but the diction seems cliche'. The line itself is good, but not stellar...Weak diction forming a powerful last line...is that possible? Maybe if you strengthened it a bit with one or two alternative words...eh.
Hope I was helpful...If not, join the club of AP Mob-mentality who want to shoot me. -
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Hmmm, no haha, that was really helpful. Thanks for your take on it. Hopefully I'll get better! =)
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So, do you want the soft critique or the harsh critique? Mind you, if you choose the harsh critique, it might sting a little.
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The hard, please. As long as it helps.
=)
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A very thought provoking piece you have shared here, though an immediate connection to the image prompt is hard to draw. best wishes to you.
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I thought this was just lovely. Not too short, not too long, beautiful imagery and detail. And a creative idea. Good luck in the contest, this was great.
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Thanks so much!
=)
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