~*~
Lone red cardinal
monochrome world highlights this-
ruby in the snow
~*~
Author notes
Winter birds
A contest entry
- Haiku-Me.....Me Haiku by UnchartedPoet.
1100 points, ended November 23, 2007, 23 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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hi again dawn
in haiku one should avoid ego or commenting and should simply present the images sometimes with a juxtaposition and allow the reader to make the leap. reading a haiku can often take as much skill as writing one. you say you wrote this as you saw it. the technique of on the spot composition is known as shasei.
in your revision you are telling us the bird is highlighted on the snow but really you should as i said present the image and allow the reader to make that leap...ruby in the snow is still a statement rather than an image. btw haiku do not have to be 575 in english around 12 syllables is about what it takes to say a haiku in one breath.
i would recommend the haiku anthology cor van der hoeuvel ed
i do not quite know how to fix this as i did not witness the scene but haiku usually have a fragment and phrase eg
church yard -
a red cardinal
in the snow
i know that does not sound to exciting to the average haiku writer that you would find on this site but you see how the red stands out without saying so and the church yard adds to the bleaknes and also there is a little pun there too as one is playing with the idea of a clergy man in the church yard. tho it is sometimes frowned upon the hai in haiku does actually mean pun.
hope this helps bcos as i said you have the eye of a haijin i would recommend reading haikumonk, myron or even some of my own stuff and joining a site devoted to haiku and japanese forms such as AHA poetry forum.
you may want to read a while b4 taking the plunge but do not be daunted
col
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Again Thank you
I do haiku in less than 17 syllables myself. I prefer them in fact. I have read much and do have the haiku handbook, I have learned one thing about haiku everyone seems to have a different perspective. I will read some of your work, never too old to learn. Thank you again for your time and information, very helpful.
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Nice entry
You paint a pretty picture of teh cardinal red against the stark white monochrome background. Good luck in teh contest,
Evan -
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Thank you Evan
I very much appreciate your kind comments. Thank you
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good images
hi dawn
you have some good images here the bright red and the stark white. haiku are noun poems and all about the image L3 is moreorless a repetition of the image in a statement form. but i feel you have the eye of a haijin and should just write what you see rather than try to be poetic and you have the basiscs of a haiku here.
col -
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Thank you
I wrote this one on sight, thank you for your suggestions, I saw it as soon as you mentioned it. So I thank you. I write my fair share of haiku, almost without fail they go through many revisions before contests end. Be interested to know what you think of my changes though? Again thank you for a most helpful comment.
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That is a pretty image! Best of luck!
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Thank you!
Very much appreciate your kind comments and applause!
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great haiku here. i love the line ruby in the snow. thank you for sharing this. keep writing! God bless you always
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Thank you!
I very much appreciate your kind comments and applause!
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Maybe my diamond in the rough, how colorfully bold and strong standing in dress white with red trim. Thank you for entering my contest.
I've learned well-I shall dance til Dawn
Jen
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