Alas when left without the chirps of birds,
and honey sweetened through your lovely voice,
when one begins to think of things absurd,
and in imagination can rejoice
the ricochet of bullets through the air
left silence dangling just below my fist;
metallic tastes of loving can't compare
when slaying entrance dragons for our tryst.
I judged you first so sweet and mild and plain,
with daggers coming in your room but then,
you held my sword with glorified disdain,
no other suitor close to you again.
Determine your position by the glass:
By saving you I rescued my own ass.
Author notes
Sonnet. Help on iambs?
Do they sound correct?
A contest entry
- # 37 Open to Allpoetry: Petrarchan; Shakespearian and Spenserian Sonnets by Lyndon.
1750 points, ended February 6, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Get The Gold for a pre-write by piccola.
300 points, ended June 3, 2008, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyming Contest for Sonnets and Villanelles only. by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended July 15, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme and Flow part 5 Love, romance or sensual - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended July 16, 2008, 55 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any good?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I'm less harsh on inversions than Ecrivain or Lyndon
This is a good iambic sonnet, can't say I like ending on a donkey and a couple of the other images seem not to quite fit but it is a really good sonnet
All the best and thanks for the entry
Jeff and Sue
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I see ...
that Lyndon pointed out the inverted sentence with line 11, which is one of the things I most dislike in rhymed poems. The next line is very awkward. Aside from that, this isn't a bad job.
I do not like profanity in poetry, but the final couplet is not really all that bad, and has a rather insouciant air which rather negates the negativism of the profanity.
I wonder what the ricochet of bullets might have to do with what seems to be a poetic rendering of an assignation? -
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Thank you
I edited the two lines you pointed out to how they were originally, which may help with inversion and flow problems.
Ricochet of bullets just complemented what kind of "dragons" had to be "slain," with the "fist." xD It's a story, really, which is why I included "Princess" in the title.
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nice job. I'm not a good judge of sonnets but this is very pretty. Lots of imagery and the rhyme in no way sounds forced. thank you for the entry
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My first jolt is the title. Retracted princess, one ponders. Musical imagery to begin with followed by quatrain two: twentieth century violence erupts. How sudden and impressive it all is, the transition leaves one shell-shocked (forgive my pun at your expense!).
Five iambs per line ~ fine work.
You had few syntactical reversals apart from line 11. Why? I mean, what is wrong with "you held my sword with glorified disdain"?
You do have a firm conclusion in very modern idiom. It is almost as if you have deliberately used your rejection of formal love poeticisms and accepted harsher diction yoked with modern realities in order to enact your theme.
Thank you for entering. 
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Thank you.
Thank you very much.
The syntax thing, well, there's nothing wrong with it, but for some reason I didn't really notice it. It sounded more natural as I wrote it for the syntax to be reversed. I'm still not sure which would really sound better. Sword was really the main part of that sentence (in contradiction to the "daggers" in the previous line) and that was what came to mind as what should be first, originally.
Thank you again.
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I am not sure which of the options you chose, "leap of faith" or "good comes when least expected".
The meter is fine and you have a good Shakespearean scheme. The flight of imagination in the second quatrain comprises a volta (reversal) which continues to the end. The couplet is a little unsatisfactory, it needs more information than it gives, to me.
Thanks for entering this sonnet. -
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Thanks
Thank you.
And I know you're right about that last couplet. I was just attempting wit with my prompt, which included to use the word "ass." So, I did my best with that, sorry.
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Different and attention grabbing. You have very sharp images, and you bring emotions through alot of drama in a very short read while keeping to form. Excellent!
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The abrupt transition from quatrain 1 to quatrain 2 is neatly shocking, shifting without warning from the mellifluous fluidity of Renaissance idiom to the brutal, brittle sound of bullets. It drags the form kicking and screaming into a new time, a new place.
The iams seem fine; a few bits of inverted syntax (for example "my sword you held") seem driven by rhythm rather than required by content, but on the whole you do a solid job.
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Very good. I enjoyed reading this.
It's the swords and dragons I think.
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Sounds Pretty Good
In the first quatrane, the third line should start with an unstressed beat, although I believe you can let it go as a blind beat. However, may I suggest you begin the line with 'then'. See if you like it.
Your iambs seem good to me and you have five feet to each line. -
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Okay.
Thank you. Yeah, I didn't notice that before.
I'm not sure how "then" would fit in, though. This was a prompt poem, which may be why it seems so random. I almost never write in form. o.o I'm never quite sure if I have them right.
Thank you again! For the third line in the first quatrain, maybe I'll put something like: "when one begins to think of things absurd" to fit in with the "when" I have earlier.
Possibly.
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