'Tis the riddle in my drying
blood that leaves the lock
rusted in prior confinements
that are not but silent requiems
to the monsters my bitter eyes
have long forgotten to love
And 'tis the ever glowing ache
that cures the rust to the
joints of my heart and lets
the stars cry as the light
within me is snuffed out by
the illness of my past
So, my dear, I am not but
full of fear for what's to
become of us, for there's
nothing that clears the ashes
and makes a diamond out of rust
Author notes
I'm losing my touch you guys...At least the last stanza is decent.
Cynn
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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pretty great write! I like it alot... I sense some hopelessness and sincere emotion... Great write! I particularly liked these lines:
the stars cry as the light
within me is snuffed out by
the illness of my past
That's an amazing combination of words! I love it!
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I really like your wording in this. For me, reading it aloud, the breaks aren't falling where my mind says they should - but that is just my opinion. If I were you, I would definitely edit a bit - don't toss it, as it is good I think.
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I agree...the flow is really funky with this piece. But I will work on it. Thank you for the comment and applause!!
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[*studying this crtically*]
I would have to agree with envelope on this particular piece: there are certain high points of his that reflect the depth and your passion on this piece, times were I'm not entirely impressed because it doesn't...keep the original impact it has. I would suggest making this a bit longer, or editing it a bit.
=] Overall, I liked the last two lines, nothing that clears the ahses and makes a diamond out of rust...though I think the poem could still use a run-through. The last stanza DID save it in my opinion. -
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I agree...It needs some work...I have lost my original signature style and can't seem to find it...I really appreciate your in depth comment on this piece. I will definitely reconsider another draft of this poem.
(Oh and that last stanza saved the piece from complete destruction. I completely agree!!)
Cynn
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Liked the depth and the delivery
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the flow is different from your usual work, but this is no less breath taking or no less beautiful, it's sad in a way but also hopeful, perhaps im being a bit too philosophical saying that the acknowledgement that nothing could infact turn destruction into beauty, is the acknowledgment that it infact can be, the mere wishing instates it into reality, however abstract that wish may be
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And perhaps that is what my heart is dying to believe. For even in the mists of the impossible there is always a truth, a solid reality with which the impossible is based on...So in saying, I will never literally watch a true diamond be born from rust...but I may be lucky enough to see the light filter through the rusty air and cast the spectrum of a diamond across the land and show the world in its true colours.
Or maybe I'll find that comfort in a dream.
Thank you so much for the comment and applause! 'Tis always highly valued!
Cynn
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