It isn't something
you can turn off
when it becomes
inconvenient for you…
when you fall for someone
hard,
so hard that it hurts,
and the only one who
can make it better…
doesn’t care anymore…
your broken heart,
continues to beat.
The love you feel
makes you sick
to your stomach
because you know…
you are all alone
to deal with the
inconvenience
of loving someone…
incapable of love.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Touching and emotional. it's like a frozen moment in time from my past. very well done.
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good write here Em, It truly is an inconvenience to have to feel that way about someone. Thanks for sharing and keep writing.
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I thought this was a self-indulgent waawaa about lost love, until the last line. This at least signals recognition of a problem and foreshadows a process of healing. So good.
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Good
This is truly beautiful in is delivery and its simplistic truths. The world is a hurting place and we sometime feel we are being tested and prepared for pain as its presence seems to dominate our existence. Very powerful emotions are allowed to drift their way through your thoughts and gather within our heart.
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I hear ya, and I see where you’re coming from. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way.
Now, as for the poem:
This is a hard topic to write about in a poem, because so many people have done it before. It can be impossible to find a unique or new way to express a feeling or a thought that you’ve heard expressed a certain way so many times in the past, and I think that’s the trap you’ve fallen into here.
‘falling’ for someone. The likening of that falling to an actual fall that ‘hurts’. The broken heart that continues to beat. ‘love’ making you nauseous… unfortunately, they have all been done before, unto death. Because they are so ubiquitous, they have no impact here. They feel like regurgitations of something that someone has said before, rather than a true reflection of what something feels like to YOU that helps ME understand it in a new way. Every piece of writing that you do should be something that only you could have done, and I’m not feeling that kind of uniqueness in this piece. It lacks a certain poetic identity.
What I found really unique about it was the fact that all of these things were a result of inconvenience, as opposed to depression, or unrequited love being some kind of a curse. I’m really digging that angle, because it seems like a detached, somewhat anti-social description of the feelings, which I can totally identify with.
What I didn’t see is what was inconvenient about it? Apart from the title, and the last couple of stanzas, the rest of the piece doesn’t feel like it’s about an inconvenience. I think if you explored this angle a bit more, you could come up with some really innovative stuff. Think of some other things that are really inconvenient… go with it. Even if the use of ‘inconvenience’ was intended to be ironic, you could go really over the top with it.
I’m also not seeing a lot of poetic imagery, or ‘showing’ me what you mean. I’m getting a lot of ‘tell’ but they are the kinds of statements that I would expect to see in a free-prose or diary style kind of writing, and don’t really have the metre or flow that makes something feel truly poetic to me.
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All too true, all too often
I think that we all deal with this at some point, except perhaps those who are in fact incapable of love. I suppose they too expect that they feel it, though they are really just feeling how empty they are.
A suggestion for the elipses: I find that sometimes the repetition of the last line in the beginning of the next can be an effective manner in which to convey a pause followed by continuation of thought.
Ex.
"because you know
(because you know) you are all alone
to"
etc.
I personally don't mind elipses, they can be effective and to the point, but if you don't, then that is a possible sollution.
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If I had a penny for every time I felt this. Love is costly, time- and energy-consuming. When it isn't reciprocated we find ourselves aching, bereft, and also exhausted to our core. We have to cope with the stress, the anxiety, all on our own and it is indeed very difficult. We're forced to 'make it better' ourselves, and that doesn't quite cut it.
I felt the usage of Elipses ( '...' ) was a little too liberal. And yet I can't think of any other way to convey the trailing off of one's thoughts, one's voice, as if they themselves are fading away.
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Wow!!... that's so true! I really love the way you put this. A broken heart continues to beat... that was astounding! Beautiful writing babe!... just beautiful, and heart felt.
Troy
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