In this ambulance,
I begin to think-
The dark man beside me,
Watching me...
Thinking of my life,
I think of my life...
And I can only see my mother: washing dishes in our sink,
And lying in her bed-still asleep-while I waited for her eyes to open
Long ago, when I was much younger,
And she would lean forward with a smile and kiss my head,
And the smell of fresh coffee trickling through the house,
The way the sun passed through windows and onto her feet.
I would miss those early mornings, for the rest of my life,
I would miss my mother.
And the long road home, early Sunday morning, in my car...
Windows down, and music lightly swelling and crashing about me,
And the wind would grace my warm skin,
Lightly covered by old dirty clothes.
And you; your flourescent smile and your river of hair
And your eyes, oh your eyes!
Every color the sky ever was,
Simply transforming before me-
And that night; when we walked to the mountains...
And slept beneath winter, amongst the snow
That resembled the crests of many great waves crashing for no one to see,
In the middle of a dark night, out somewhere in the water
When you woke to find me shaking,
And went to get me help.
And now, in this ambulance I stop to think...
About the beauty we fail to see...
In every detail of the world
There is a long wait to be discovered
And I will discover it all
A contest entry
- From Trash to Treasure by star wars fanatic.
1500 points, ended February 22, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
In this ambulance,
I begin to think-
The dark man beside me-
Watching me-
Thinking of my life-
I think of my life-
I think this first part would be better if the hyphend were changed to either ellipsises, dashes, or semicolons. Hyphens used like this just don't do anything for me.
There you go again with those hyphens. lol In my opinion, those need to be changed.
Okay, now on to the word choice. It was nice, I really felt as if I was going back in time and seeing what you saw, just one thing--I feel the need for some transitions. In the early middle you lost me for a minute, and I forgot where we were in time. Some transition would be nice to ease the reader into the next stanza.
As for the end, bravo. I shan't waste space telling you how good the last stanza is. I'll just say it is; save for that darn hyphen. - - - -
Thank you for entering this was powerful and emotional piece. Let me know when you edit by commenting on the contest page. thx
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