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Realization

Beauty; the state of which something is very appealing to the eyes,
that is what an untouched lake is,
or a river that no ones ever explored,

this is the place that I have found,

a place that I've been searching for,

there a smell that makes me happy to breathe,

there are sights that make me happy to see,

but if I were to go blind or loose my sense of smell,

 I would die a happy man.

Then I hear a terrible sound,

death races over the hills knowing that I've seen Eden,

he has taken the form of bulldozers and construction crews,

only to turn my beautiful place into a shopping-mall,

thus bringing me to a realization...

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • SugarCandyKittyKat
    February 15, 2008
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    A refreshing and well thought-out piece...


  • freespirit51
    December 7, 2007

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    Beautiful write my fellow poet. I agree with you. Man has torn and destroyed our beautiful land till it is almost beyond repair. I truly enjoyed this piece.


  • Lyndon gold member
    December 2, 2007

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    Interesting style

    where your images lead us through to the state of the environment we have messed with. Apart from mechanical errors you might check on, friend, your writing is fresh and modern. Lyndon.


  • Mirthryl
    November 28, 2007

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    I enjoyed your "a smell that makes me happy to breathe" and "I've seen Eden". You describe a lovely natural setting. Try reading your poem out loud. The first line is a bit awkward on the tongue. Try substituting "being" for "which something is", and see if it flows better. Using apostrophes in your contractions (like "that's" to mean "that is") will also make for smoother flow for your readers.

    You might try breaking your poem into two stanzas by putting a period after "die a happy man.", then a blank line, then start the second part of your story, which begins with "then I hear a terrible sound". Interesting personification of death as bulldozers and construction crews!

    It seems as though you need to think through the most vital thing you learned from the experience, and share that as a concluding line, not leaving the reader anxiously wishing to know what all this led you to realize!

    Please feel free to ignore any suggestions that you don't feel make your poem stronger or more enjoyable!


    • Lyndon gold member
      December 2, 2007
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      This is a powerful critique into which you put your

      intellect and heart. I agree with almost everything you said apart from the comment on the final line. You could well be right but I felt the poet had left this hanging because of the title and first line implying what the realization was. Still, a fine critique.


  • kao3
    November 28, 2007
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    What is IT!!!!

    What is the "damn" realization?? I LOVED it but please write something to give me closure!


  • MargaretG
    November 28, 2007

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    "We don't know what we've got till it's gone." The last line seems to point to the first one - the realization is that we must protect the beauty that we appreciate, it is fragile. I like the thoughts you have expressed with tender feeling.
    The commas at the end of each line may be unnecessary, but there are apostrophes missing from contractions. Check the difference of lose/loose, here/hear.
    Good poem, good luck!


  • waydownuponjoy
    November 27, 2007
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    Inter - resting

    and in a few short lines the scene changes ... which left me kinda disappointed but I know what that is all about being an environmentalist myself. I don't see the need for the "damn" word but I do understand your freedom to feel and to express the frustration with the situation. Check punctuation: ie, that's, no one's. joy


  • gentle breeze
    November 26, 2007

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    I like the contrast in this poem. Also, it's very clever how you started with along one line of imagery and ended in another. You just need to edit a bit. However, you've put together a nice piece here.


  • Tirrell
    November 26, 2007

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    Idle in its slender way, I like the irony of this, as the bulldozers arrive. For we see building at an alarming rate here in the North Eastern states, very profound in its imagery, though somehow sticky in its flow.


  • Lady Altheia gold member
    November 26, 2007

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    It is terrible how people tear down or bulldoze beautiful woods. Pretty soon, there won't be any nature left.


  • Anna Emkah
    November 23, 2007

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    An interesting poem with a great message. It's true that a beautiful landscape often has to make place for shopping malls. People should realize that the beauty will never return after that.

    I have a few remarks about this poem. You said: 'there ('s) a smell that makes me happy to breathe'. You don't breathe a smell... you breathe "air".

    If I were you I would end this line 'I would die a happy man' with a full stop, maybe followed by a blank line for then you tell what's the reality now. 'Then I here a terrible sound'....

    Nicely done, Anna.


  • XxContinualSlinkyxX
    November 21, 2007

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    wow

    holy hell babe...i like this...but seriously u need to get out the house u think waaay too much...oh well i love u!


  • Tamera
    November 20, 2007

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    It is terrible that we do not realize what we destroy.
    Your poem is a beautiful reminder and warning. In line 10 I think you meant Hear instead of here. Otherwise, and excellent write.


  • crystaldust gold member
    November 19, 2007

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    crystaldust 19.11.07 21:34
    The words you use to express very strong emotions are excellent - the untouched lake, an unexplored river being 'places that I've been searching for'. There is calm and beauty in each line. Then you break the spell with death racing over the hills, bulldozers turning your beauty into "a damn shopping-mall". Realization hurts and you have caught the contrast very well. Good luck in the contest.


    • Lyndon gold member
      December 2, 2007
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      Dear Joy

      In incisive but gentle ways, you have given a critique that is most helpful. [The poet does need to know that mecanical errors hurt prospects.]


  • Shamanicmusings
    November 19, 2007

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    This is a very nice piece of writing.
    It just goes to show, that we allow to much destruction.

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