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Loner in Paradise

Aesthetics of a fine art,

blooms in a personal eye.

Perception and perceived

mingle in the dialogue.

 

As I look out hanging over

my balcony grills, I see

old wrinkles on her tanned

brown cheeks.

 

I watch her watching a bird,

building a home ready to nest.

She smiles accentuating

all experienced lines of her image.

 

Soft clouds let a drizzle

on her forehead, a permanent

frown filled with happiness.

She walks away...

 

On the children swing,

her petite self was seated.

With the wind, the breeze

a slow oscillation -

 

her face!

A contest entry

For one of the best people in this world, say what you think:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 18 of 18
  • sgking123
    June 13, 2008
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    good

    you did really a nice job with this. the choice of words and expression was quite apt. Think you had a real life situation to back up the poems. I guess you might like to inform of this situation. It would make an interesting read.I also write on topic that you have taken up.Please do visit some of my poetry if you wish to.

  • chasingtheday gold member
    May 16, 2008

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    a good flowing poem, i like the distance yet closeness - people watching, to observe the smiles whilst nature goes about its course.

  • Lyndon gold member
    November 30, 2007

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    Hello, poet.

    It is good, dear Sam, to see you respond to points made by Anna and others.
    Oh, could you send me an IM regarding your OWN judgments in this contest ASAP.
    You have written a good poem and I agree with the sentiments of many. Ron.


  • Mirthryl
    November 28, 2007

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    I enjoyed your "smiles accentuating all experienced lines" and "slow oscillation". Aesthetics (sensitive perception of beauty) I needed my dictionary to check for correct meaning. You stir my curiosity with "Perception and perceived mingle in dialogue", but I don't get to overhear what they say to each other!
    Line 15, probably "children's swing", and perhaps "she seats (or seated) her petite self" (since the line previous she walks [present tense] away)? Is the slow oscillation of her face the changing light on the wrinkles as she swings to and fro? The title implies elderfolk living alone, and it is satisfying as a reader that you noticed her "permanent frown filled with happiness"! Thank you for letting me see the scene through your eyes


  • kao3
    November 28, 2007
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    Beautiful imagery, wonderful feeling, Excellent work.


  • MargaretG silver member
    November 28, 2007

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    This could be a grandmother or older relative, or a good friend - affection softens the observations. I like your term "experience lines", that is kind and true. The "permanent frown filled with happiness" is intriguing, you hint at hard times which have been replaced with better ones. There is a lot of substance in this little poem.
    For the swing, I would use the possessive, "children's".
    Best of luck!


  • waydownuponjoy
    November 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    A most interesting

    ... character study with the intent of sharing the feelings absorbed through watching her. I did not quite understand the "balcony grills" but figured that was the 'railing'. I particularly liked
    "She smiles accentuating all experienced lines of her image." as I feel that beauty is often missed at first glance and yet she might have so much to share! joy


  • Tirrell
    November 26, 2007

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    this is quite beautiful and has a sort of quiet power to it, I love the tone and imagery.
    quite beautiful and striking, I especially love the way it flows.


  • Lady Altheia
    November 26, 2007

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    This is written well. It brings a new perspective to a subject that I think is hard to write about. I also liked the phrase "a permanent frown filled with happiness".

  • gentle breeze
    November 25, 2007

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    This poem is a very good tribute to and old person's face.
    I like particularly the phrase "a permanent frown filled with happiness". The use of "permanent frown" initially gives an image of something that is not very welcoming but it's softened by the use of alliteration with the "f" sound which is voiceless and makes the image less harsh. Altogether, the image develops into something beautiful which is sealed with the word "happiness".
    Well done here. Good luck

  • Tamera
    November 20, 2007

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    I love the ending

    I adore the faces of experience. So many secrets in lines and depressions. Life makes beauty of all of us. I thoughly enjoyed this poem. The last stanza, I believe leads us to use our own imagination to see on her face ....whatever expression we choose to see her as having. Depending on the reader it could be tears, whistfulness, sadness or absoulute glee. I love the ending.


  • Anna Emkah
    November 20, 2007

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    This is a nice poem. I think, there are some things that are not correct though. 'Percieved' (line 3) should be perceived. And I also wonder what's a 'dristle' (line 10)? Do you mean: drizzle? The last lines are a bit strange. At least I do not know what you are saying here. "With the wind, the breeze a slow oscillation - her face!" Anna.


    • Samyuktha P.C.
      November 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks a lot. I was just proof reading and found your comment. Extremely helpful. Now, the last line means this: the slow oscillation (swinging) of the swing - and my eyes focus to her face, because it is just so captivating. I believe in minimalist expression and deep reading reveals it to any reader. Thanks a lot, again. Love. Sam.

      • Lyndon gold member
        December 3, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        Yes

        on, the children swing ...
        is your implied image of continuityof action!

  • crystaldust gold member
    November 19, 2007

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    crystaldust 19.11.07 21:29
    I like the simplicity of this, which is gentle and quiet and absolutely right for an old woman sitting and watching a bird building a nest.
    Lovely little poem.


  • Shamanicmusings
    November 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is very beautiful, it sighs its way through,
    Calm and measured.
1 - 18 of 18