in our flaccid evenings
content to ignore all the
little things those shit-
eating couples say make
a relationship or night
work, we’d loiter
the coffee couch or
potato chip bed and
never say a word
until
we smoothed the covers
for another distant round of
distressed commands fouling
up the air we so
forcefully shoved through
flared nostrils
feeding twitching tissues
but things are empty
now, the breadth of silence
matched only by her
shrieks of ecstatic escapism
still tearing through cerebral folds
i had it good
so why am i still here
coveting the old days
of busy dusks?
oh
i missed this—
questioning the ambiguity
of desire
and realizing
it’s not always the better
half that fucks up
Author notes
There a couple of things I feel need tweaking in here, though I don't have time to address them at the moment since I must be heading to bed. Still, I feel it's nothing serious; they'd constitute a minor fine-tuning for the most part.
If you all see something that needs fixing up or could simply be made better, please say so. I respect and prefer honesty above all else.
In a list
Comments
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Although this has a half done feel to it there is something really interesting in the structure of this piece. And then there is this -
matched only by her shrieks of ecstatic escapism still tearing through cerebral folds
yes indeedy - don't we love that
David
PS - Jason
I hope you and your family have a brilliant Christmas and all the best for 2008.
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In the first stanza, it feels there are issues with commas. Is "coffee couch" supposed to be a singular image, or two seperate things? I mean, hey, coffee-couch might work in and of itself, with a hyphen, but without it, and without commas, it reads very oddly. For the most part, I love the no-nonsense approach you've taken here, though feel it could be cleaned up a bit and superfluous words removed from the overall text. It might read less like a rant and more like a poem then, though I still appreciate the emotional response I had, even if it did, to me, read a bit like a rant. Thanks for entering.
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Yes, "coffee couch" was meant to be a singular image. I figured, since nobody uses a hyphen when saying "coffee table," I wouldn't need one here.
Going back and re-reading this, I can see why you'd find it sounding like a rant. I was surprised how easily the profanity came to me; it just felt different using it this time around. I'll make a couple edits to this and see what I come up with.
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Well done.
Very creative penning here, lots of imagery.
This kept my attention for sure.
I wish ya all the best within the contest!
Peace, Timothy
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