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Grasses

Missing image
The Sun's rays
filter through forest branches
to the bed below.
Grasses catching rays
that perchance hit their mark,
will prosper.
But the branches cast shadows
to areas not quite as lucky...
beds forgotten by the Sun
in this life and death struggle...
for naught but weeds grow here, now,
fugitives, lying in beds
where the Sun is lacking.
Is this not the same story
as the life we live,
this story of the Sun, forest, 
and the Grasses below?
For in life, it seems the Sun
shines so brightly and beautifully
on some, the Grasses, that catch those rays.
Yet those that lie in the shadows are
oft forgotten, the poor, needy, destitute,
becoming fugitives, the weeds, of life.
If we could but clear the branches
of the forest, or the forest itself,
so that the Sun might shine
on everyone...
There would be Grasses everywhere...

and weeds no more...






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Author notes

Option 2. Words: Lacking, Fugitive, Mark, Ray, Cast, Forgotten, Weed

Contest:Something Different (option 11)

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22
  • Poemdancer
    January 10, 2008

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    ahh...but the trees lacking branches, and thus, leaves would ceize to exist and thus another form of life would be ended, and another death created. I truly enjoyed your poem, the metaphors, the similies, personification, all of it, well writtne it reminds me of something that may be spoken by an ancient travelor. A great write. I truly enjoyued reading it!! Thanks for entering my contest


    • The Madman silver member
      January 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for teh wonderful comment on this work.


  • Peachy
    January 7, 2008

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    wow truly great poem, i can't believe you didn't win! it tells each of us something different.
    Good luck in the contest!


    • The Madman silver member
      January 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for teh visit and the nice comment on this work,

      Evan


  • Melissa Burns
    December 30, 2007

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    But the branches cast shadows
    to areas not quite as lucky...

    Sent shivers through me. Wonderful poem - I can't believe that you've had the back luck to have to enter it into my contest It's great!

    • The Madman silver member
      December 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for teh wonderful comments. Yes, sometimes its hard to pick which works we wanna ebter into a contest. We all have our favorites that we enter time and again that always seem to do well in prewrite allowed contests and sometimes other gems get lost in teh weeds (pun intended). And such is this one, a social commentary and those who do read it do like it. Thanks again,

      Evan


  • trista gold member
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    It's a little questionable if this fully followed the rules since most of the other contests this is in haven't been judged...but I see at least one has been, so I'll call it okay.

    The first thing I notice is your presentation of the poem. I found the background a tad bit distracting, and I think I'd like this much better left aligned. Also, having such a large chunk of writing without any breaks into stanzas is intimidating at first, and tells me, even before I begin to read, that there's going to be a lot of information to process without much pause.

    The main distraction I found while reading is that you repeat sooo many words, sooo often. "Grasses", 4 times. "Sun" 6 times. Forest, branches, fugitives, shadows, rays, weeds...all very repetitious. I began to feel like you were saying the same things over and over again, instead of adding new thoughts. With a wealth of words in the English language that mean similar or the same things, don't be afraid to enhance the vocabulary of the poem or condense your thoughts. Repetition can be used for emphasis or to produce a rhythm, but I didn't see either of those here, and I think it actually took much of the power away from the write.

    You have such a great message here, and a fabulous metaphor for it! I really wish you had let the metaphor speak for itself more, instead of spelling everything out so clearly. Oftentimes, leading your reader to the conclusion you want is much more effective, and will feel less "preachy".

    The best surprise I had is that even with differing line lengths, this moves really nicely from line to line. The line breaks are natural, maybe a comma or two that isn’t completely necessary, but generally with good punctuation that helps guide me through your thoughts. I think with some tightening up you’d have a real gem of a poem, one that speaks even louder to your readers than it does now.

    Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck in the contest.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.

    • The Madman silver member
      December 16, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Hi..as far as the rules thing, I think many if not all of them were entered after it was entered in this one. Ss you can see, most of teh end dates are well aftre yours with th eecxeption of the pimp my etc contet which was a late entry anyway.
      Abd as far as teh usage of various words so many times, I guess i felt if I didn't it world be hard to follow long and be able to determine just what the poem was all about., and just how many words are there out there that man the same thing as Grasses which was the major emphasis point, and trees, forests and branches, weeds...not many if any and one hard to transition from the one point to teh other somehow and the reestablish the same yet different concept below and how it relates to people. Hard to do without using the same words again.
      But I do appreciate yor inpput na d have picked up a few pointers as far as one person's aspect is concerned and that is always a good thing.
      One thing I think the should have here is a timestamp on just when a poem is entered into a particular contest and tha would help a lot.
      Thanks again,

      Evan

      • trista gold member
        December 16, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        Hi Evan,

        Yes, a timestamp would be very helpful. Maybe something to mention to Kevin. I was concerned about the rules because I needed entries to have been in a contest previous to mine, and not have won. But in any case, I wanted to comment on your poem, so it's all good.

        As stated in my contest, I don't expect you to agree with everything (or even anything lol) I say. I really do believe you have an exceptionally strong metaphor here though, and the majority of your readers would understand with just a bit of suggestion to the point you want to make. On the plus side, doing it as you have, there is no mistaking they'll "get it".

        Thanks so much for your return comment, and all the best to you in your writing journey.


        ~J.


  • leander Moderators member
    December 4, 2007
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    This is truly a great poem. Not only the imagery is very strong and not to say something to be envious about, the message you radiate with these wise words is truly magnificent!

    I definately enjoyed this one to the fullest!
    Thanks for this entry!
    Leander


  • CherryOnTop
    November 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Simply marvelous!! You have a mastrpiece here. no one ever reallt thinks about the poor. Bravo!!

    • The Madman silver member
      November 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for the very kind comments left here for this work. Written around Thanksgiving time, thinking of how much many of us have to be thankful for, and how so many have so little..kinda wrote itself and just had to make sure it had all the right words. Thanks again for gracing my pages with your visits and comments,

      Evan


  • lesbian-in-love
    November 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Such a beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing it. Also thanks for entering into the contest and good luck to you.

    • The Madman silver member
      November 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Oopsie..dont know how I missed this comment but did... apologies. Thanks so much for taking a looksee at this work and the kind comments left for it also. Your visits and comments are always valued,

      Evan


  • Todays Poem Box
    November 22, 2007

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    Wow. This is such a beautiful poem. You did a fantastic job with the imagery that went way beyond just what the picture portrayed. Best of luck in the contests.
    Write on.
    ~*~SP~*~

    • The Madman silver member
      November 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      This is such a beautiful poem

      Thank you so much. reaklly hits hom eon this dau of all days where so many have much to be thankful for (the grasses) and the "weeds" have little or nothing. Thanks for the visit and the kindly comment,,

      Evan


  • 2lullabyhaven
    November 19, 2007

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    I just love it, truly, so heart-touching and provoking.
    Makes me want to shine some light in some cold places...thanks for this emotion

    • The Madman silver member
      November 19, 2007
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      I just love it,

      Awwwwwwwwe..you are justtoo kind. Thx for stopping in and the sweet comment from such a talented poet..

      (sucking up again)

      lol,

      Evan..


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    November 19, 2007

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    Very Beautiful, and true mostly weeds grow in the woods. Excellent Job with the word bank Good luck in the contest.

    • The Madman silver member
      November 19, 2007
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      Very Beautiful

      Thx Cara for the visit and the nice comment. Your stopping by was nice as was teh comments..Al;ways apprecioated,

      Best wishes,

      Evan


  • azlyn gold member
    November 19, 2007

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    How profoundly beautiful!!! The truth of these words...if only all could be equal in the chance to grow and be! These words could come only from an enlightened soul. Lovely and compassionate verse...and the pic is perfect!!!

    Love~
    Az

    • The Madman silver member
      November 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      How profoundly beautiful

      Thx Az for teh wonderful comments and the visit and yes, it a bit more of the sun could get to everyone, or even a few more people, things woyld be so much better,

      Thx Again,

      Evan

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