All I can remember is putting my hands on the toilet,
head bent over, almost vomiting my insides out,
sickeningly FEARFUL.
Eight and shaking, eight and trouble breathing.
Ten and shaking, ten and trouble breathing.
Nails bitten until it hurts (fuck, it feels great).
But who would ever want to marry a girl,
love a girl with no nails?
No one.
So, girl, hold the motherfucking chair up in the air,
arms locked, motherfucking chair over my head.
It’s been hours and what have I done?
Held the motherfucking chair over my head.
Eleven and shaking, eleven and trouble breathing.
I hate soda, and I hate your two-liter Coke bottles
slapping my palms raw.
I stand there as confused as a cow.
Where are you mom, where are you now?
When you’re finally done raping my palms,
leaving no visible trace but still disturbing the calm,
“I didn’t want to do this to you, but you made me.
Stop biting your nails because it’s your fault,
YOUR FAULT,
that this is happening to you.”
All I can remember is my hand on the cutting board
and your cold butcher knife aching to cut my skin.
Hold your motherfucking hand still, Jen.
You don’t need your motherfucking hand when no one will love you.
I hoped you would do it,
cut it off—I hoped I would bleed to death on the new kitchen floor.
Thirteen and shaking, thirteen and trouble breathing.
Fourteen and shaking, fourteen and trouble breathing.
I’m doing it like you want to yourself, I’m slicing my skin.
I’m doing it like you want to yourself, I’m making me hurt.
Guilt me again and I can slaughter Jen for you.
Don’t believe me, won’t cure me.
First thing you say when you walk into the room,—
no, I mean bellow or bark or blame—
is criticize me, what I do wrong (everything).
I hope your anger kills me off so I can finally sigh.
*sigh* FREE.
Seventeen and motionless, seventeen and breathless.
Author notes
It feels so good to find the words to say it.
I don't know whether or not to keep the swearing. I don't typically swear in my poetry, and I can't decide if I like it here or not. Thoughts?
In a list
A contest entry
- big bang prewrites only contest by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended January 5, 124 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Take the swearing out or keep it?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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DAMN!
So, girl, hold the motherfucking chair up in the air,
arms locked, motherfucking chair over my head.
It’s been hours and what have I done?
Held the motherfucking chair over my head.
Eleven and shaking, eleven and trouble breathing.
I hate soda, and I hate your two-liter Coke bottles
slapping my palms raw.
I stand there as confused as a cow.
Where are you mom, where are you now?
When you’re finally done raping my palms,
leaving no visible trace but still disturbing the calm,
“I didn’t want to do this to you, but you made me.
Stop biting your nails because it’s your fault,
YOUR FAULT,
that this is happening to you.”
This was so flipping great! Very intense write you have here. I lingered on the end of each sentence and wanted more when this was over. Great job here. Best wishes and I hope that you keep penning brilliance!!!!
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very intense
(I'll keep to the poem, can't judge your personal situation) In my opinion the swearing fits the content perfectly. The situations are so deep and moving that the raw language seems just right. I liked the repeated eight...thirteen...fourteen...seventeen age indications mounting a tension that you cannot escape. But after all, it's a poem... not more, but nothing less... Very good!
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Thanks! Yeah, I did decide to keep the swearing--it seems like it is effective.
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Hmmm, I thought I commented this
Anyway, this was really stunning. It's gritty and raw. Usually, I prefer poems with a lot of metaphor and imagery but with your writing, it's real in a poetic and painful way. Amazing descriptions, and I loved the format you put it in. It's really different and almost story like. I bet you would be outstanding with story-writing. And by the way, the swearing totally fit for me. It added the perfect touch. Stunning 
Jeanette*~
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Jeanette, that means a lot coming from you! I love what you write and for you, such a great poet, to tell me all that....damn, I feel good. Thank you for your kind, precious words.
Jen >_<
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this is so sad and disturbing, i hope you have found the peace and love you deserve
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Thank you!
No, I haven't found it from them, but I have found to be content with who I am and keep searching and making myself into someone I am proud to be. I try to not live for emotionally abusive people anymore.
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Good!
This was obviously very heartfelt! Good job finding the words to portray such confused, desperate emotions. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! I think you should keep the profanity, it helps the poem feel more real.
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I'm not big with swearing in my poetry ~ but I have ~ I actually think the swearing builds the anger frustration and the intensity to the read~ The poem moves along quickly making you want to read more ~ You did a great job especially for coming out of your element.
Thanks so much for entering in the "Set the Bar" contest ~ good luck to you
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I value this poem for its intensity that blazes through every line of this poem, great job.
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Thanks so much for the applause, The Sage. I kept kept truth and left no holes.
Jen >_<
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wow
i say keep it, it adds to the intensity -- it's not like it's on every line, just when it's needed.
by the way, i really admire the honestly and raw quality of this poem, it reads "truth" in every line, if that makes sense at all...
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Thanks so much, sinkingnsinging! Yeah, I did write it in blind rage and all honesty. And yes, that makes so much sense what you said--especially since it's all true. I've finally gotten to say what I've been needing to say for six years now.
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fantastic
to me, this is good writing. I could feel the tension build throughout the piece and then felt the sign of relief at the end. Thank you for the experience!
Also...I find the swearing to be distracting but I can see that it might emphasize the severity at the same time....thanks again -
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Thanks for taking the time to read it--it means so much for others to read some truth about myself, even if they don't know me.
Jen >_<
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You've done a great job of telling a story while conveying emotion. I'm not usually fond of poetry like thism but you've infused it with so much power that it's sort of catchy. I like this, and coming from someone as picky as me, be proud.
As for the cussing, it gives it some flavour. You don't necessarily need it (so much "poetry" these days relies on endless choruses of fuck you's and such), but it does give the poem an air of frustration. And if people don't like cussing, that's what the filter is for!
Good work.
--Cristina -
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Cristina, thank you! I do feel proud that you liked this poem despite your different tastes. I think I will keep the cussing in for now...
Jen >_<
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Amazing poem.
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Thank you!
Jen >_<
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