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Vulnerable,naked me.

Who am I,
but the fool of the god,
wandering moment to moment
for eternity.
Every experience,every tragedy,
oblivion,sink into the abyss.

An evanescent,
linger into empty halls,
though full with homosapiens.
Lost into modern civilization,
naked,without shield,
without mask,to hide.

Emancipation,only a dream,
too far to reach.
Salvation had emerged
only through agony and pain.
Life,worthless.
Death,longing.

 

Serene beauty of sanctuary, once,

now forbidden city.

Chemicals trying to heal

the destruction from alien disease.

What is the point of fighting,

which promises failure,death.

Author notes

I hope you like it.And sorry about the grammar error.I just wrote what ever comes to my mind.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think as i'm trying to improve my english

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Lost In Dreaming
    November 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    awesome gramma...i cant wait to talk to you again

  • Nicole Hanna
    November 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "to far to reach" should be "too far", also, a space before "once" in the final stanza. You recognized you had grammatical errors (or so your author notes said), so those will need to be fixed prior to judging. onerios13 will still need to read and give her opinion, but as for me, I felt this was just a wee bit over-the-top. There are honest emotions here, definitely, but they can be presented in a more realistic way, I feel. Be gritty, but don't be dramatic. Does that make sense? Many thanks for entering. I'll be visiting this one again.


  • black hearted rebel
    November 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    EXCELLENT!

    This was great!I enjoyed reading it!Thanks for entering and good luck!

  • Gott ist tot
    November 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Sad piece. I liked the imagery here, this was deep. Only way I can think of improving the grammar is maybe having a question mark after 'eternity' as it's a rhetorical question (how I read it is anyway). Where are you from or do you just have problems with grammar, spelling etc? It wasn't very noticeable here just the question made me wonder.


    • fierra
      November 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you.I'm glad you enjoyed it.Um,I'm from Malaysia,near India,and China.The main language here is Malay.My English teacher said my English is good,but I dont think so.I'm glad it's not noticable.hehe!

1 - 5 of 5