I played hide and seek
in the curves of your
body and never wanted
to be found
closed the blinds shut...and
used your voice to see
We built a fortress
of blankets and pillows
and left only room for two
An oasis of simplicity,
used your hands to speak
And I watch your chest
rise and fall, and know
I don't need nothing at all
Author notes
Prompt: True Love
A contest entry
- QUICKIE/ 5poets, 30 minutes by Think2wice.
300 points, ended November 17, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Clear images and a soft voice.
If you're not going to punctuate, don't use any. It leaves one to wonder, "Why the one comma?"
In your fifth line you used an ellipsis. I feel as though you were using it to achieve a longer pause. First, the ellipsis is most frequently used in dialogue to indicate the speaker is either being interrupted or is tailing off his statement. The other accepted use of the ellipsis is to replace words left out of a quote much as the apostrophy is used to replace letters in a contraction.
If you're looking for a longer pause, try a dash. The dash is also a form of punctuation, but it doesn't look the same.
Congratualtions on your Bronze.
Jim -
This is really good has great imagery and much passion great take of the prompt and good luck
-
Wow that took my breath away! What a wonderful feeling to be engulfed in such passion for what seems like forever. Unfortunately the moment always ends! Best of luck to you!
-
wow! what a wonderful take on the prompt! This has such beautiful imagery and I see where you are going with this in the meaning of true love! I delighted in reading this
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
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