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A Lesson Learned

It was the first steps towards freedom;
Taken on a whim and a dream
in hurried fashion,
as only the young know how.

 

Gathered possessions boxed with care,
a small painting given with love,
handled specially by the receiver,
tears drop carelessly.

 

A vacuum left where once a small boy
played noisily at snakes and ladders,
gyrated to "Savage Garden" in later years,
now a void where laughter echoed.

 

Hollow remains of dusty memories
clouding the aching heart,
"too soon" whispers the lips
of sadness.

 

Perhaps this figment of imagination
serves to test the inner strength,
in sure knowledge that they
always return~

 

if only for Sunday dinner.

Author notes

POW
Subject: Leaving Home.

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 35 of 35

  • Sonja
    May 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I am back to re-read this one. I really like it.
    ~Sonja~


    • cutiepie gold member
      May 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for coming back to re-read this one...it is always hard letting them go


  • Sonja
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Congratulations!

    I already read it and I said WAW! I am so glad that this poem was so high rated. Congratulations for this nice shiny bronze trophy of POY. Ah! They do not allow me to applaud it again.
    ~Sonja~


  • Jim Berkheiser
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    An ellipsis at the end of a line indicates a trailing off of a thought or the omission of some words. You use it here as a long pause and I believe that is not a correct usage. Poets often misuse ellipses. A long Dickensonish dash would be nice in this piece. The use of the word 'learnt', though proper, is a bit archaic and posey. "A Lesson Learned" sounds more natural as the rest of the poem is. I think your title is the weakest part of the poem. It is not what the poem says or is about. Try something like "Finding Space" or "Making Room".

    Clarity: 10.0

    Structure: 10.0
    (rhyme & meter)
    (line breaks & structure)

    Grammar: 10.0

    Punctuation: 9.5

    Use of Language: 9.5

    Poetic Value: 10.0

    Uniqueness: 10.0

    Impact: 10.0

    Theme: 10.0

    Title: 8.0

    Total: 97.0


    • cutiepie gold member
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Jim, had to smile at the comment " archaic and posey"....good description of myself


  • trista gold member
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    Very nice job with the edits you've given this. There aren't many from what I remember, but I felt slowed down a bit so I could enjoy this even more.

    I'm off to read your fresh write and see whether or not I agree with Bear.

    Best of luck to you,
    ~J.


  • ZachP silver member
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes~

    Love this just as much as before
    good luck

  • Jim Berkheiser
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    Good luck.


  • Arkbear gold member
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes ~

    This was nice to read all over again ~

     

    I am glad you entered this, as your Fresh entry is not as good IMO ~

     

    Yes, yes, yes....your Fresh was good....hehe.....but not *AS*, good ~

     

    Good luck to you Hun,

     

    Bear ~

  • ZachP silver member
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes~

    Love this poem as much as I did before
    Good luck~


  • Mirthryl
    November 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely description of the progression from "snakes and ladders" to "Savage Garden". They return for the warmth both of your dinners and the years of laughter together! All of mine have appreciated home MORE after the learning experiences roommates provide (I couldn't have hired kids to make us look better [by contrast] than some of the roomies have done!)
    Congrats on POW Silver!!


  • grannyeri gold member
    November 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Liked the topic you chose for this contest - remember some of my friends when they left home, and my first move out of the house when I went to university. Sentiments well expressed; easy to read and understand. COngrats on taking silver in this contest.


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    November 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    I enjoyed this poem so very much

    I truly enjoyed the imagery and structure of this poem,
    the feeling and painted words still spoke through despite
    the tight write, you gave it just enough air for us
    to all breathe it in and see it in our imaginations!!
    I read a lot of poetry, and we all struggle to learn
    the fine lines of structure without losing impact!
    for what is architecture without design, and what is
    art without music n poetry?
    GREAT JOB...absolutely loved this piece!!
    ears2hearyou
    Kathleen : ))


  • LadyDementia gold member
    November 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    I enjoyed this. Memories and echo's of previous laughter are so precious, especially once they have flown the nest. Its always too soon for them to go, no matter what the age. I love the ending, it is so true they always seem to come back for a good meal, or to have washing done (more in the case of single lads). I got the title, but then I'm in the UK ....here is your score....

    Total ~~ 99.5
    Wow! Great score, hope to see you next time


    • cutiepie gold member
      November 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your wonderful comments and scoring...had to smile at the "Brit" reference as blowing in the the North West coast of Ireland I am about as far away from the Bristish Isles as one can get in Ireland but I appreciate the understanding English language can be so complicated


  • trista gold member
    November 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The more I’ve read this, the more I’ve liked it. I think it’s a poem mothers everywhere, not to mention children who wander home for Sunday dinner, could relate to. I know for my family, Sunday dinners have slowly turned into holiday dinners and it makes me sad that we have all gotten so busy that we can’t get together as often as we used to.

    I have only a couple of concerns with the poem, the first being the semi-colon use. I still think periods would be better at the end of stanzas, giving your reader a chance to actually stop and digest the poem as they are reading it. The one at the end of L1 is used appropriately, as it connects two complete but related sentences. Secondly, the title. I can see a loose relationship to the poem, but I’d love to see something that better draws the reader into this wonderful write.

    I loved your imagery and the emotion. Your theme and focus all come together in the last line, wrapping it up perfectly, IMO. I especially love that the author note isn’t needed to grasp the theme and meaning of your poem.

    Thanks so much once again for your entry in the contest, and good luck to you.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


    • cutiepie gold member
      November 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Trista for your concise critique...as always, to the point and informative. I will now revise as the contest has closed. Many thanks once again for all your hard work, it is very much appreciated


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wow ~

    Hey cutie :)

     

    I think this is your best entry in any PO' contest ~

     

    ...period ~

     

    Yes...there are some grammatical things I would change....and yes....there are a few things I would have liked to have seen added....but as it sits...this is the best read thus far for me......and I just told Floorboards the same thing...hehe.....the competition just got competition  :)

     

    Good luck Hun,

     

     

    Bear ~

     

     

    Title   9.95

    Flow   9.85

    Depth   9.95

    Theme   10

    Feelings   10

    Grammar   9.75

    Presentation 10

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  10

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score:  99.5

    Very cool score!


    • cutiepie gold member
      November 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Mr.Bear ...looking forward to next weeks competition Happy Thanksgiving!
      Cutiepie


  • ZachP silver member
    November 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hello

    This was an excellent poem, I have relatively few suggestions for you --- lucky

    The end of stanza semi-colons should be periods, just to bring the reader to a full stop, before continuing on... this will improve the flow quite a bit, otherwise, it feels a bit brethless.

    Also, I changed 'gyrating' to 'gyrated' in order to keep with the tense of 'played'.

    I also found 'Learnt' in the title a bit awkward, but I understand that it's a Brit. thing

    Good luck in the contest. Remember, no changing before the contest is judged.

    * grammar - 9.6
    * syntax/flow - 10
    * understandability - 9.85
    * uncommon theme - 10
    * overall impression - 9.95
    * effectiveness of title - 9.8
    * ability to hook reader - 10
    * ability to follow rules - 10
    * presentation / visual appeal - 10
    * effective use of poetic devices - 9.9

    TOTAL: 99.1 -- my best so far


    • cutiepie gold member
      November 20, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Rosewood Angel for your wonderful comments, as always,I very much appreciate the hard work that goes into these contests. Many thanks


  • Sonja
    November 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, they few up too fast, but I am happy to see young, clever and wise (read it - from time to time, lol) coming back. As yours, my son is also 26
    ~Sonja~


  • Blue Rew silver member
    November 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent...conveying all the emotion involved in this coming of age event! I felt the way it was written gave it extra depth of feeling and the ending was superb...pulling me back to read it again. Blue


  • islekine gold member
    November 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Beautifully done...

    As always.
    Best wishes in the contest!
    Write on...and on...
    *PEACE*


  • Floorboards
    November 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Aw, this is really good, beautifully written indeed. I've got all this to come, they do my nut in but i'll be gutted when they go, very eloquent write, the ending was very poignant,
    well done and good luck to you,
    Floorboards.


  • DrunkenRam
    November 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Guilty ( Everybody's guilty)

    Leaving the nest is hard on all parties, you summed the subtler moments up very well.

1 - 35 of 35