Date: Friday, September 21st, 2007- Saturday, September 22, 2007
Early dawn, the people still sleep
Before anyone realizes, they all begin to run and weep
Strange men come out and play
While we run and hide to get away
Some were lucky from this crucial game
Others were not, For their fate was certainly not the same
Some woman were used by these strange savages
So many have been deflowered that it’s outrages!
The men have fallin’
As they have been killed without any stallin’
The kids cry and cry
As they see their family and friends die
The lights of the fires are being blown out
Leaving screams and sorrows behind, as well as doubts
The souls keep running
Only to find themselves far away out of their dwellings
They try to take care of their bruise and their shed of tears
Yet only to still hear their loved one’s shrieks blaring in their ears
Without their human needs, they will leave this Earth
No one will know about this
At least…not until it is too late
We help and assist, but in the end we are just the United States
One voice is not enough to speak
Over the one’s who are weak
One voice might not stop this get to an end
But if we can get this problem out loud and clear
We might be able to bring genocide to its end
Don’t we want to have the children run free again?
Don’t we want the people to come out of this nightmare and make it all turn into sweet dream?
Don’t we want the laughter and joys in this world instead of sorrow and pain?
Don’t we want to have a future for the next generations?
Don’t we want clean water to remove the blood that has tainted this land?
Don’t we want the family and friends to enjoy their lives without living in the fears of others?
Don’t we want everyone to be safe, clean, and happy?
Now,
My question it this:
“What has this precious world become while we have been asleep ad oblivious to this?”
Author notes
I would suggest that you have music in the background. Use the song "Tennessee" from Pearl Harbor, you can find the song on Youtube, to have it's effect.
How I Got Inspired:
On Friday, September 21st, 2007, in the morning, Emily and I talk about our book that we were reading about the genocide in Darfur and Emily showed me a very detailing scene of a girl who got raped and that is how I got inspired of making this. I thought about making a poem during 3rd period, which happen to be my Math class, in Ms. Rennicke’s class. I got carried away and I showed it to some friends (like 7 I believe) the first 10 lines and they said that they really liked it and I that encourage me more to write more of this poem. Now as I think of it, the question is officially in my head about genocide and other wars that are happening right now to whenever this person reads it, even if I am dead, it will still be a question in my soul.
A contest entry
- Dreaming For Darfur....The End Is Near! by darkknight marellus.
1200 points, ended December 26, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
So what do you guys think? Please tell me! (^_^)
Comments
-
"Some woman were used by these strange savages
So many have been deflowered that it’s outrages!" should probably be "Some women were used by these strange savages/So many (have been) deflowered that it outrages!" I changed it a little so it wasn't so choppy, and that's how I probably would've written it if I was so creative.
In "The men have fallin’" the word should be "fallen", as in "he has fallen (down)" instead of "he is fallin(g) (down)". Do you get it? Just a tense thing, but it hung me up for a second. Sorry, I'm an editor, and I do this a lot. If I overly critique you, it's not because I don't like your poem, but just because maybe you missed these. No offence meant in offering these comments, only some helpful advice you may or may not use.
"The souls keep running
Only to find themselves far away out of their dwellings"...Um, 'running' and 'dwelling' don't really rhyme, if you were going for a rhyming poem.
"They try to take care of their bruise and their shed of tears
Yet only to still hear their loved one’s shrieks blaring in their ears". Maybe it should be 'bruises' instead of bruise, and 'loved one's' would be better if you said 'loved ones's' as in many of their loved ones's (plural) shrieks.
"Over the one’s who are weak" would/could be better as 'over the ones who are weak' because it's plural, not a conjunction or a possessive apostrophe.
"Don’t we want the people to come out of this nightmare and make it all turn into sweet dream?" I think it would be better written as "make it all turn into a sweet dream" or even "into sweet dreams".
" “What has this precious world become while we have been asleep ad oblivious to this?” " I think that this can be a very powerful quote, but can you cite where you got it, or is it even a quote at all? Or just something you came up with? The 'ad' should be 'and', shouldn't it?
I think here you've got a pretty good piece. Here you're talking about the people fleeing from whatever it is they're running from, but you don't address what it was you're talking about. It's more on the people themselves, not the genocide as a whole. Is that because you didn't want to specify a particular genocide, but rather use this to address them all? It certainly can be applied that way. I think that's brilliant. I believe that this poem, though it loses it's rhyme-scheme, can be used to give a very powerful message. What exactly has happened? How could we let our world go to hell in a handbasket and just sit back and relax?
Thank you for entering!!!
Adding your comment:
