The woodcutter targets
greenstick trees and soft wood-
lopping off leaves, before hacking at all
the dead roots.
They use themselves
as templates- carving (us) into shapes
with a standard-issue scythe, and a hand weighing
heavy outside.
Should the balsa wood
not bend and replicate their ideals-
a sugar coated vice is then deployed (just to give a
little squeeze).
And if the jigsaw cannot
get our wooden pieces to match-
the parts are cut for kindling and then burnt on
a middle-class green.
Author notes
POW Conformity, and keeping up with jones'. A green is a lawn where I come from. This poem is abstract due to my writing style, I think.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week ( POW ) by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended November 28, 2007, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
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Bronze trophy winner
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Honorable mention
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Thanks for your entry.
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Abstract, I'll grant you
It might take me sometime to mull this one over to make sense of it. I thought some of mine were abstract-you beat me to the punch. I'd be interested to see an interpretation of the jigsaw and the green pieces in your notes, if you want to...Is the jigsaw society, or life...what ARE the green pieces? Commodities? Young people? This is a good poem - way off the deep end in expressionism, though. -
Loved the metaphor in this.
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I thought this was great but I think the parenthesis took me out of it a bit. I do enjoy abstract editing but here I don't know if it worked because the poem itself has a distinct flow to it that I think should be maintained. For example, "a sugar coated vice is then deployed" kind of took seemed unnecessary and although this tactic works well with a different tone, it just seemed unnecessary to me and took me away from the flow. I enjoyed descriptions you made that just really set me up as a reader. For example, "lopping off leaves" gave me a great image of darkness and despair without TELLING the reader that there is a dark undertone. I love when writers can successfully do that. Great job on that.
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please read the rules to avoid a DQ
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Now thats what I am used to reading of yours - phrased beautifully and the metaphor is simply crafted perfectly. Very creative.
Thanks for entering.
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I can see how many different ways this could mean something to you. Its very original and creative, it shows you use your initiative. However, it seems you rhyme sometimes and not the rest, why?
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alex i really like this which contratics what am about to say mate, the metaphor is so strong i lost as to wht its about, if you care to fill me in more, i would love to read it again with that knowlege ( :
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this is an outstanding poem
you made it come to life with images
wonderful my friend
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I must agree with leander about this piece. This is truly high quality work that deserves to be recognized. The metaphor is wonderful and the imagery is stunning. There is not much of anything to critique in this piece. Masterfully penned! Thank you for entering. Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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Well, this is quite an interesting poem that you have written here, and I must say that I don't come across with something like this that often on AllPoetry
I definately like the imagery you managed to capture within the lines, and also the metaphor used is very appealing to me
Thank you for entering this contest - I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
Those "same thoughts" were actually effective for getting the message across without saying the same thing over and over again- I do the same exact thing in my poetry. And what we do is certainly okay! Even if it knocks 2 points off of our score because the judge cannot find any good ol' other reason to take off points.
Really, what you did was fine. Without the "same thoughts" the poem would be boring and repetetive. -
Different. I have to say You have come up with a very unique comparison for your theme. Once I got it, after a couple of reads ( I have to say that was me, not you ) I really did enjoy it, has to be one of the best yet. Here is your score...
Total ~~ 98.9
Fab score, hope to see you nest time
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Oh my ~
You always treat us to something special ~
There are things I like about this entry.....but there are many things which I did not particularly care for ~
Heavy/weighing......same thought ~
Vice/squeeze....same thought ~
Balsa wood/Soft wood/wooden pieces....same thought ~
HOWEVER.....this is the best read thus far....go figure :)
Let's get it on the scoreboard!
Good luck,
Bear ~
Title 10
Flow 9.85
Depth 10
Theme 10
Feelings 8.8
Grammar 9.55
Presentation 10
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.2
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It took me a second read to really "get" the metaphor in this also, but what a wonderful one it is. I loved the originality of this, the message, and great imagery. Like Rosewood, "a green" made me think of a golf course too, but that worked just as well for me as a lawn. I disagree about the use of Parenthesis in a poem though; I personally like them so long as they have a purpose, even if it does stop the flow for a second or so. In this, I thought it helped drive the metaphor home. I think that's one of the wonderful things about having more than one judge, since so much is personal opinion and can give you a couple of different perspectives to look at your work from.
I'm not a big fan of long titles in a work, and would have liked to see something metaphorical to match the poem. But again, personal preference.
Thank you for a wonderful entry, and good luck in the contest. I can already see what a difficult POW this is going to be to judge!
Best wishes,
~J. -
It took me a couple of read-throughs in order to pick up on the metaphor...but once I got it, I got it well.
I understand the use of 'green' here, it makes me think of a golf course, lol
I'm not fond of using parenthetical statements of poem, as it brings about a 180-degree turn in thought, and a full stop in flow. Also, when you punctuate dashes, it should be like this - with a space on both sides.
Please remember, no editing until after the contest is judged.
Good luck
* grammar - 9.95
* syntax/flow - 9.8
* understandability - 9.75
* uncommon theme - 10
* overall impression - 9.85
* effectiveness of title - 9.9
* ability to hook reader - 9.6
* ability to follow rules - 10
* presentation / visual appeal - 9.5
* effective use of poetic devices - 10
Total: 98. 35
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Wonderful piece hun, excellent metaphor and flow and excellent imagery. Loved this one with its subtle nuances. great work and good luck. Hugs, Bunny
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Good write keep o keeping on.
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A subtle and well-thought-out poem, my man--a pleasure to read.
Bill
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I loved the comparision Jigsaws are the bain of my life....I can never find the right pieces for the right slots, sounds like the story of my life Good luck in the contest
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Well penned.
Best of wishes in the contest.
Write on!
*PEACE*
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The title is talking itself, leading us to the place of your poetical and even more than poetical conclusion. Unique idea taken from the nature, it could be metaphor, but also, just a great used picture. A great challenge to readers.
~Sonja~
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How interesting. You really can write about anything if you are a poet, huh? Conformity and such is being tossed out the windoe, it appears, in this poem. I never thought too much of keeping up with the Jones's but that was because I was always too poor to compete. Hah. Another surprise came with the use of landscaping as a means of competition and also of repression.
Where's the crazy? -
'sugar coated vice' is excellent the guilt poured on like syrup...
this is so clever... i'm jealous
thoroughly enjoyable with a catchy title to boot!
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Well written metaphor that touches close to home. There are times when I tire of the middle class monotony. Well done my friend.
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Wow
You haven't been writing a lot lately but some quality stuff for sure. Excellent metaphor.
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Guilty ( Everybody's guilty)
OK call me the Jones'
I really like this, Metaphor is my favorite read.
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Oh. This is a neat little poem that you have penned in here. I like it. It seems a little ambiguious but I can definitely see how it's a metaphor for keeping up with the Jones. But it also could mean a couple of other things too. I think it could mean a lot of things to a lot of different people depending on how you look at it. Like maybe it could be about racial tension too. I think it's very versitale.
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ery good poem. I really like it...
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templates can be strong
they can also be long
and also square
it is most important to get the apprentice to follow
from the bevelled edge right to the end.
So in summary.
very good indeed mr. f.
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