In the bonnie Scottish toun of Alloa, there is a delightful area
Known poetically as "The Bottom End." 'Tis many years since I
Have visited these scenic streets, which I believe have undergone
Major gentrification in recent years. However, my tale is of the 1960's
When East Castle Street was at its beautiful best. Myself and my close friend
Daft Jock, were walking along minding our own business, when we were confronted
By a number of local worthies. "Gie's a fag pal", whispered one of them to Daft Jock
In a throaty, phlegmy undertone.
As we were on our way to practise the noble art of Ju-jitsu, we ignored
This request, and continued on our merry journey. But as we passed beneath
A broken street lamp, we heard the dreaded cry "Abercrombie Arms!", and
A rush of scurrying feet to our rear. Jock and I stood back to back, as
In the famous films of Akira Kurosawa, and prepared to sell our lives dearly.
From out of the semi-darkness came the smash of an empty bottle of Maclay's Ale
(A prelude to battle). I brushed the starred fragments of glass from the sleeve
Of my Hepworth's suit jacket. As an arm flashed towards me, I turned and swept
The wiry body upwards. Over my head flew the fellow, in a tangle of
Nicotine stained limbs. I heard the splinter of bone as his skull, weakened
By a diet of constant pies, split like a rotten neep.
Meanwhile Daft Jock had also been busy. In the dim flicker of the broken street lamp,
We surveyed a pile of moaning humanity. Teeth, still stained with Mars-Bar,
Littered the pavement around our feet.
Dusting ourselves down, we continued along the street
"Aye," said Daft Jock, "that was a bonnie fecht!"
I nodded in agreement.
Author notes
Every word is true. Only the facts have been changed.
In a list
A contest entry
- CONTEST: Memories of Where? by Barry Hodges.
600 points, ended November 20, 2007, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I have long been an admirer of the writings of Barry Hodges on this site, his weird and fanciful imaginings of how his relatives have met various hideous fates have often made me laugh out loud. Barry's idea for a contest in which people would be invited to mock his own convoluted style of writing was very funny indeed and elicited two brilliant pastiches of his verbosity and pompousness. Had I been judging I would have been hard put to pick between this and the winner.
The aspects of the "poem" which mark out Keith's accuracy of observation of the inimitable Hodges style for me were:
-the phlegmy undertone
-the Hepworth's suit (a nice period touch)
-the nicotine stained limbs (I loved the idea that a whole LIMB was stained, not just the odd digit)
-the Mars bar stained teeth.
Taking the poetical piss out of something which is already satire is not so easy. You did it, Keith, ye bonnie wee haggis-muncher! -
deserving of better than bronze ma braw, etc etc. Loved the line about his skull split like a rotten neep.. Ma neep is feelin a wee bet challenged - sleep for the neep. xx
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I loved it you are a very clever blokey you know. x
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I was intrigued by the reference to Kurosawa as I once had a sex toy with this brand name. It was the "Kurosawa Extra Long 19-Inch Squirrel Vibrator" and I shoved it up me without much regard for caution and never saw it again.
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I am blessed with having such an avid observer of the urban violence scene as you. It's the little touches which mark out the story teller who has been following my own narrative style: the Hepworth's suit, the skull weakened by a diet of constant pies (it's the word "constant" which is the clincher), the Mars Bar stained teeth.... the anti-climactic climax. You know you have tough competition here: the entire lost family poem and the Abos' outing poem. You are guaranteed a cup, it's all a matter of the colour when I re-read these gems of the tragic writer's art.
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This made me smile ten miles wide. Especially the author notes. I really like some of the different expressions you used. "Prepared to sell our lives," "starred fragments of glass," "a tangle of
Nicotine stained limbs..." All very original and sharp. Also, I enjoyed the Kurosawa reference. Is this like Rashomon? I want to see all the alternate versions of this story that are all true.
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I enjoyed this braw (and suitably gory!) tale o' battlin' Scottish manhood, Keith! Very descriptive and bloodthirstily amusing.
Cheers,
Bill
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