Everyone’s a smoker on a day like today...
When slowly rising vapours
Spill from pursed lips,
Only to disappear into obscurity
Before another exhalation
Can sustain their cloud.
[But thank God the wind isn’t blowing]
The sky is clear,
A translucent blue that looks,
[If you squint hard enough]
As if it’s a pane of frosted glass,
Which the sun has, surprisingly,
Decided to shine through.
[Somewhat overdoing it, I might add.]
Leaves feel the urge for comfort
And the ground looks fairly safe...
Sedately letting go of what they know,
Falling fair and true, for the lack of wind,
They lay to rest -
Only to find
A cold reception.
[The Promised Land turned out to be an illusion after all]
A reception that the blades,
Adorned with spider’s webs
[They are, you just haven’t noticed]
Know all too well,
Bejewelled and shivering,
Yet stout and proud.
Defying the season of decay
What it so desperately craves
[And will, in the end, eventually receive]
Who are we to mess with such a thing?
But mess we shall and mess we do
And mess we will
[Despite a few futile efforts, I fear]
Maybe this beauty will not be held
In a hundred winters time
And even if it is
Then a hundred winters after?
[Now that’s just wishful thinking]
Maybe I should just enjoy it for what it is NOW
Not for what it might be or will be
[Or probably won’t be]
And stop reaming off endless lines,
Trivial and nonsensical,
Trying to define
What was, to me
[The perfect day]
A day
When everyone’s a smoker
And for once, nature doesn’t care
What will be, will be
And I...
[Agree]
Author notes
Well this is my first free verse poem. The other day was so perfect and poetic, I tried to write a rhyming poem for it and had the first line...but it just wasn't working. But I didn't want to waste the day, or the line...so I wrote this. I'm quite proud, but I guess I will see what you all say.
One of the lines, about spider's webs in the grass was inspired by my friend who noticed, shimmering in the sunlight, miles and miles and miles of spider's webs, it was just amazing, something you'd never notice unless the sun was at just the right angle. No photo could ever recreate that magic. It was just truly beautiful. And now whenever I walk on grass I feel bad because even though I cannot see them, I know their are hundreds of spider's webs that I am destroying.
Thanks for reading
Option 6, Nature
Screenname:She Has my Heart
Gender:Male
Real name: George
Age:16
Gain:Recognition for my free verse as I have only started writing it...more comments are always appreciated
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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No.
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A few things ...
I don't know why it does that, posting twice, and both times before I've even finished typing.
Here:
Defying the season of decay
What it so desperately craves (which it so desperately craves)
and here:
In a hundred winters time (winters' time)
otherwise, this is very good.
Can't say I agree with the premise of the poem, but it's good nonetheless.
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A few things ...
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As a Smoker I can appreciate the subject matter, I think it is awakening to notice that people always point at the Smokers huddled outside buildings in the Rain, but no one points when it is a nice day.
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I actually meant it that...it was cold, so you could see everyone's vapour and so they were ALL smoking, though I do like your take on it too
Thanks! x
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236
[out of 10]
originality: 8.5 [was an 8, but add .5 b/c of the unique style]
creativity: 8.5
Catchy Title: 6
Transitions: 6
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 11
(Balance of) ideas: 12
Length: 11
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 15
Interesting opening: 20
Effective ending: 18
Universal Theme: 16
Flow: 17
Focus: 15
Passion/Emotion: 10
[out of 25]
Message: 21
Initial impact: 21
Final impact: 20
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 236
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That's quite a good poem that you have written here, and I especially like the imagery you've managed to display within your words Not bad at all for your first attempt at Free verse Maybe a little bit long, but nothing bad to remark actually
thanks for entering this contest, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
Hello,
Congratulations, you have made the first cut. I will be making a second cut. In order for you to have a chance at making it past the next cut is to apply for this group. Please look for the information that is required for you to give me, so that you can join; don’t worry, it is only two things: username and gender. This will help me organize making cuts better. Thank you.
Again, congratulations, and good luck.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
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Very unique.
I am confident you'll make the cut.
Well done.
Best of luck in the contest.
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Thank you very much for your comment x
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this is a good write, i could feel the emotion, best of luck in my contest, this is truly a good piece and a joy to read.
Thanks for entering,
Annie Shadows -
Nicely done
A fine sharing in this contest!
Thank you for being a part of this
I wish you the very best! -
" A reception that the blades,
Adorned with spider’s webs"
I really like those lines! This piece is very long, but I got through it. It is very good for a freeverse, and I definitely think you should try that style again. Anyway, this piece is very well written. Good job! -
I liked the way it began and ended the best. For a first free verse poem this isn't bad. It's not bad in general either, though I can see some room for improvement.
Overall I liked this... keep writing free verse ok?
Thanks for entering
Lea -
I had to applaud. This is really beautiful and captured my imagination.
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Why thank you very much ^^ x
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" Sedately letting go of what they know,
Falling fair and true, for the lack of wind,
They lay to rest -
Only to find
A cold reception.
[The Promised Land turned out to be an illusion after all]"
Wow. This poem starts off beautifully, mysteriously, and the pace and tone are clear as a bell from the get go, but I really wasn't sure where it was going until these lines. This is a powerful moment. The metaphor is revealed - a wonderful metaphor, I may add - and your phrasing is fantastic.
Actually, upon reading this again, I feel that the fallen leaves seem to symbolize both the fleetingness of this perfect day, and the essence of life - or your idea of life, at it were. Something beautiful to be enjoyed while we have it. I love layered metaphors such as this. They make a poem something to be unwrapped, not merely read, and I feel as though I could unwrap this one for days.
I was unsure about the ending at first with "Agree" in parentheses, but after going over it a few more times I decided that it was brilliant. Something about the rhythm wouldn't gel without it, and it's almost as if the poem dies prematurely, and the word "agree" is merely the reader's conjecture. The beauty of your poem's death is preserved in the uncertain certainty of it's wake, if that makes any sense, which I doubt, highly. It doesn't live on, but it leaves its mark, and that's beauty enough.
Great work. Thanks for finding me!
-Kate
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Wow what a fantastic comment!
To be honest, I wasn't veiling metaphors or anything intentionally but poems are there to be interpreted in any way the reader chooses. I guess the promised land was a bit of a dig at heaven, or the leaves idea of heaven anyway!
You are quite right too, about the fleetingness of the day and how we should live for it rather than live for tomorrow.
By the way you have a great vocabulary ^^ and the way you express it is so poetic, even in your comments.
This piece was written out, as much as it could be, how I would say it. Though I do not have rich text editing or anything so cannot emphasize words how I want to really. What it really needs is a video of me saying it how I want it to be read...but I'm too embarrassed to do one haha.
I am very glad you liked it and your comment was so...excellently and thoughtfully written.
I love the line which you weren't sure whether I'd understand, it would be great to see it in a poem in some form or another. And the last line "It doesn't live on, but leaves its mark, and that's beauty enough" - bloody fantastic. Your comment is just so inspiring!
Take care! x -
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"To be honest, I wasn't veiling metaphors or anything intentionally but poems are there to be interpreted in any way the reader chooses."
I love that you are so down to earth. Most artists will take credit for whatever you throw at them but you are so humble. I agree that poems are interpreted as the reader chooses, but I also think there are lots of elements to a poem that we manipulate subconciously in certain ways. I love learning something new about a piece I wrote a while ago. Actually, sometimes I have no idea what I'm really saying until some time after I'm done with a piece.
Anyway, thank you for your comments on my comment, lol. And all the other comments you left me, which I am about to go enjoy momentarily.
P.S. I really think you should post a video doing a reading. Poetry is meant to be read aloud, you have no reason to be embarrassed! If you feel awkward being on camera for it you could just do the sound. Think about it!
-Kate -
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I know what you mean...but then again I suppose they're only fooling themselves so they will never strive to be better!
You are right though, about the subconscious, sometimes you write something and you'll just KNOW it sounds right, but you won't even pick up on it, you may never do unless someone points it out to you.
You have inspired me to do a video. But then everyone will hear my clunky, middle-England accent haha
I will think about doing it...thanks for the inspiration and support!
Take care x
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amazing for a free verse. i really enjoyed this one. only thing i didn't care for was how "receive" was used like 3 times in one small area. but other than that, awesome job.
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Thanks =)
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This...
is outstanding, a treat in poetry, superb! one of those poems you just have to re-read. It did not dawn on me that it was not rhyme! the flow was so smooth, brilliant my friend, very well written. U.F.I.
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Haha aww thanks, it means a lot.
I feel that I should be reading this on here, rather than it just being a page of words. I can put the emphasis where I want, and the pauses and such. But I'm too embarrassed to do a video haha!
I am glad you enjoyed it ^^
Take care! xxx
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wow x
stunning and unique. i'm speechless x
i love thee x
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Hehe x i love you x
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I can't even believe that this is your first free verse!
You did it wonderfully... I especially love the "everyone's a smoker on a day like today" line and how you repeated it (but not exactly) at the end. It brought the entire poem to a close.
I really enjoyed this, and I hope you write more free verse!
It wasn't bad, not bad at all. -
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Thanks for your great comment, it means a lot. I really liked that line too and I usually never have that feeling towards any of my poetry.
I may continue with free verse, I may not...I guess I will write it when it comes (it's only taken 2 years for this one to materialise)
Thanks again, take care x
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I don't know about anybody else but I enjoyed it. Opening line took me in - I can see why you didn't want to waste it Some ppl are scared off by long poems but I really enjoyed it and I hope I can look forwards to reading more from you
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Hey, thanks for your comment, it means a lot!
Glad you enjoyed it
Take care x
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