Chakras designed with chi's intention,
oak is the channel of chi's invention.
Wondrous are we who feel the light,
forces of nature fills us with life.
Peek in the realms of power untold,
the oak is a creature the earth will mold.
Filling the need for beams from the sun,
the life the oak gives is never undone.
Our entrance is one of patience and time,
and when we leave the result is sublime.
From the sun we draw astonishing rays,
we give to the earth the power to blaze.
Fire itself are we who can channel,
this is the power of being a mammal.
Oak may live long and we may die young,
but both of our powers still come from the sun.
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Author notes
This is a poem that to me describes the power of the sun and it's influence on life. The oak is seen here as a receptacle for receiving the sun's rays and responsible for dispersing it into life giving oxygen. We as mammals are the recipient of the rays via the oaks transformation. The chi (rays) and fire (life) are metaphors on how we are all related, at a subatomic level I Am Oak!
A contest entry
- Wednesdays at Winklings by Lyndon.
875 points, ended December 3, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please be Honest... thank you!
Comments
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Great poem, thanks for sharing.
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GOOD
This is so right on in its message and its done in such a pleasant sounding and flowing poem.
Not bad! Good analogy!
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Thank you for the read and comment, glad I made a positive impression.
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It's still refreshing to hear an uncynical view on life and the power of natures' everlasting gifts, well done, even for the repeativeness, for isn't that what most of life really is, an intricate series of patterns and cycles.
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True, even chaos has a distinct pattern for those with the right view. Thank you for the positive and honest feedback. May your sunbeams be as you desire!
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I think the metaphor becomes obvious too soon and then get's beaten a little. I do so appreciate that there is a connection, but it comes to early in the piece and the reader probably gets the click a little too soon. Also, the meaning of Fire itself are we who can channel is lost in the next sentence. You need a tie in between the two..a catalyst.
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Excellent critique, thank you for your read and suggestion. I too love suspense in my reads. I will take strongly into account your comment for this and future work, again thanks!
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From the sun we draw astonishing rays,
we give to the earth the power to blaze.
this is an intense topic to handle through rhyme, yet you've done really well, to improve i guess you could expand upon the ideas of the earths survival and the life amongst animal friends, yet otherhighs thanks for penning and well done!
w chai and cookies
-jas
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My pleasure to have entertained you and to have hit common ground. All of life's interactions in one piece may be summed up by Darwins quote: "Given enough time hydrogen becomes a human."
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Life and Light don't really rhyme, so, if you are looking to improve this, start there. Other than that, I think you achieve a metaphysical force in this poem that is wondrous and mystical. At times the lines seems a bit forced, but overall, pretty good!
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Thank you for this crituiqe and comment. My meter is always a work
in progress, and I appreciate criticism. Thank you again! -
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Aloha, friend!
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this is really well crafted. some high level concepts tossed around here. I loved the tie in of the oak, one of my favorite trees. Well penned, I especially liked the end...
"Fire itself are we who can channel,
this is the power of being a mammal.
Oak may live long and we may die young,
but both of our powers still come from the sun."
so true.
Creatress
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Rare do I find people with whom this strikes a chord. This "power" is something that has taken me many years to conceive as "real".
Since discovering that I am not crazy, I have hope that the sensitive may yet inspire rather than scare. Thank you for your insight and appreciation of my work.
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always clever.
this has a great ryhme and it needed no EXPLANATION!
so excellent.
GOD BLESS...
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This is erudite allusiveness.
You need to leave footnotes! The seven main chakras are described as being aligned in an ascending column from the base of the spine to the top of the head. Each chakra is associated with a certain color, multiple specific functions, an aspect of consciousness, a classical element, and other distinguishing characteristics. Chi is simply a spiritual force. The whole poem is informed by yoga precepts and concepts and need to be explained.
Thank you. Ron
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This is a poem that to me describes the power of the sun and it's influence on life. The oak is seen here as a receptacle for receiving the sun's rays and responsible for dispersing it into life giving oxygen. We as mammals are the recipient of the rays via the oaks transformation. The chi (rays) and fire (life) are metaphors on how we are all related, at a subatomic level I Am Oak!
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Thank you so much for the excellent critique. I agree that this is too esoteric, I will make adjustments and add notes, thank you again for the compliment in the headline.
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Since you identify yourself in last stanza as being non-oak (mammal, and shorter-lived; "both" also implies separateness), you might consider a different title, perhaps stating a relationship? 'Brother Oak' or 'Neighbor Oak'? Or tell it from the Oak's point of view?
You are writing with specialized knowledge your reader may lack, so it would be kind to include brief definitions in your Author Notes.
Good rhyming and meter really add to this poem!
Line 4 should be "fill". Is "Our entrance" birth/germination? If "leave" is death, what is the "result...sublime" that follows? Would the earth be powerless to blaze without oaks or people? "Fire itself are we who can channel" leaves additional questions with an uninformed reader.
Your concluding two lines are clear and express a kinship earth life shares. Just thinking about it, is one of the hallmarks that chi prefers the Oak its consistent grain?
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This is a poem that to me describes the power of the sun and it's influence on life. The oak is seen here as a receptacle for receiving the sun's rays and responsible for dispersing it into life giving oxygen. We as mammals are the recipient of the rays via the oaks transformation. The chi (rays) and fire (life) are metaphors on how we are all related, at a subatomic level I Am Oak!
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You have nice rhymes and firm meter, with a strong message. There is no need for us to separate ourselves from nature, we have the same source and the same end. The example of the oak tree to contrast our short lives is well done. I feel this is an intellectual poem rather than an emotional one. Good luck!
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Thank you so much for the comment and perspective. I'm glad you responded, I see now some different views on what I wrote.
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