feel the blade agianst the skin,
see the blood and win
you took away all i had
i hope your friggin glad.
see the blade bite the wrist
to taste the blood it cant resist,
cold steel agianst warm flesh,
now i feel so refreshed...
pain laces its way up thy arm,
but theres no need for alarm.
it's just another teen suicide.
in only you i could confide.
now you wonder why im dead,
you never knew how much i bled...
now the only thing i feel is:
the blade agianst my skin.
A contest entry
- Your Very Best by Lj-.
300 points, ended November 29, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i am looking forward to bad commets so spill it!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Grammar and spelling here are quite terrible.
Thank you for your entry,
Best of luck.
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Totally Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love the imagery!!!!!!!! I think the sad poems are the best and this one is definately sad and depressing. And i love it!!!!!!!! One of the best poems i have ever read!!!!! Poems like this makes me want to go right my self. Or drink a tall glass of happyness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well any ways this is a total great poem.Its full of hatred my favorite felling. Totally sweet! Cant wait to read more of your poems.
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This poem is incredible. Very inspirational.
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The subject's horribly cliched as is, and to be honest, I didn't expect much from this when reading it. You added nothing new or fresh to the old cutting cliche, and I found this tedious.
"i hope your friggin glad" -- you're.
"pain laces its way up thy arm," -- the possessive "thy," before a word beginning with a vowel, becomes "thine." Thus, "thine arm." The archaic speech feels extremely out of place here.
Rhyme is forced. You could say this so much better, you know? Most people rhyme at first, and it's such a hindering form if not done correctly. Experiment with style, or work on perfecting your rhyme. Or both. In any case, read classic poetry; it'll help you immensely.
--Cristina -
i can feel ur pain its true i can feel the blaed coz i do to
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I do Not camment badly on thae pain of a broken heart. we all have to live through it unfortunately.. and to try and cope seems the greater torment..
And to end is what we wish upon in such despair....
Your words bite deeply an another broken heart...
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"i hope your friggin glad." You probably want to use "you're". "your" refers to ownership. Example: this is your hat. "You're" means "you are". Example: "you look like you're very happy." Also, the use of the word "thy" in line suggests a change of subject; the narrator refers to the reader rather than to him/herself. This may be the effect you wanted, and if so, please ignore this comment.
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