`
i.
Musty like cave floorings
defines this four corners perfume.
Wherein the scent
of yesterday flourishes
in the air.
ii.
Disturbing cries
filter the remains
of silence.
[If there is any,
if such exist-
in this partition].
I never imagined
the end of sound
would equal tears.
iii.
Water host
starts to replenish
the reddened surface.
The floor is wet
yet it's life--
hanging and dry.
iv.
My father works hard.
He prepares meat,
that is all I know.
Spending quality time
would bring a smile
unto me.
I thought.
v.
That moment touches
my nine year old eyes;
exposing the language
of death as a norm
and learning
respect for pigs.
`
Author notes
Prompt: abattoir- slaughterhouse
Written November 15, 2007
A contest entry
- a by grass.
500 points, ended December 2, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ideas of simple by Melissa Gayle.
1000 points, ended December 10, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my free verse by leander.
400 points, ended January 6, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite 1000 pt. Checklist by Ryno.
1000 points, ended July 18, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I like this piece a lot more, it's got more meat to it. I especially loved the last two lines.
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What a great poem you have written out of that prompt! I definately love all the images you have managed to get inside your lines - very well done!
Thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
I have commented on this before and I simply love the ending as much as I love my animals
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Interesting. It invoked a lot of thought. I love the double meaning to the word "pigs".
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There is really something to be said about iv -
as a whole the piece worked brilliantly, and individually each section can stand up on its own.
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Each section had it's own feel, and I thought the piece could go in several directions. The ending was surprising, but it worked. Thank you for an amazing piece of work I'm glad I got the chance to read it.
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Gripping, and strangely emotional. This piece is so divine. The images grasped and tainted with. You have given life to this piece with beautiful metaphors and edgy reflections.
Thanks for entering
much luck
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Oh, this is amazing! I love it. It suits me just fine, since I'm so ridiculously ADD. You're very, very talented!
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These are excellent vignettes - each one takes the reader into an amazing experience of the senses and emotion. I like this write very much
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I'm amazed with what you did with this prompt - something as brutal as an abattoir. An excellent poem, my friend - one that allows the reader a look through a 9-year old child's eyes - but it actually goes beyond that - it has a universal ring to it. I especially liked the 2nd and 3rd vignettes... Wonderful visuals here and such depth of thought and emotion. This poem has a quality that stays and lingers with the reader - powerful and very very moving!
~ Nicolette
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You've crafted creative phrases here kaibigan. The ending reminds me of the superstar Nora Aunor's famous line "My brother is not a pig!". I especially love how you described the floor in the third stanza. The irony there is powerful and stays in the mind. I believe there is a typo in the fourth line of first stanza: "fluorishes" should be "flourishes". All in all, this is great. Good luck in the contest. Cheers!
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Thanks so much for the comment kabayan. Typo fixed.
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Excellent
Tremendous visual images you created. And full of wonderful emotions. Best of luck in the contest.
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