I was wandering along dear old Bondi Beach the other day
With my entire family: there was my wife Brunnhilde
(she was the one with the handelbar moustache),
My six children (one of whom was dying of TB at the time)
My two queer brothers, both of whom were blind and crippled,
And also my limbless sister Janet in her clockwork wheelchair,
When we heard this terrible roaring sound (which first of all
I thought was Brunnhilde's stomach as she was always a martyr
to indigestion and bilious heartburn, having an enormous peptic ulcer),
But to our total fucking horror we realised it was a bloody tsunami
Coming roaring off the Pacific, straight for our family group.
I knew we had only a few minutes so I thought, "Well, let's face it mate,
Sister Janet, the two blind fairies and the kids are never going to make it
Back to the safety of the bloody boardwalk, are they,
So it's only common sense to leave them to their tragic fate".
Then I took a look at Brunnhilde and I thought, "Well, let's face it mate,
She's no fucking raving beauty is she, so I may as well get rid of the whole lot,
Now that Kismet has intervened in such a dramatic way on my behalf".
So I legged it up the beach like a 'roo being chased by a drunken Abo
And just managed to get to the first floor of the Old Surfer's Arms
(one of the finest pubs on Bondi by the way, I recommend their dim sum),
When the tsunami hit the sands and my family kissed their arses goodbye.
As I sat and sipped my quart of Toohey's Extra Strong Lager, I glanced round the bar
And was gratified to see that a Sheila with two enormous knockers was smiling at me,
And I knew she was barking mad for a post-tsunami poke in the toilets.
It's an ill wind which blows no one any good has always been my watchword.
In a list
- If you are an Aussie Come into the Par group list • next in list
A contest entry
- CONTEST: Memories of Where? by Barry Hodges.
600 points, ended November 20, 2007, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Congrats on winning the gold for this. Such a bizzare piece, you rocked it with this one.... well done
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what is wrong with you this is the worst poem ever not to mention the sexist obsanity is just rude and uncalled for
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I was thinking of entering this competition, though it looks as though I am a little late. Nonetheless, whilst enjoying this rollicking roller coaster of a ride, my finger inadvertently hit the page down button four times - and presented me with that little piccy of Georgie. LMAO she said - well looking at her again, I wish she'd laugh it off round here.
Dr Dog.
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This is bizarre yet oddly entertaining....and so morally wrong....I loved it.
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This is definitely pretty funny. I love it! Absolutely amazing.
Keep it up man! I definitely dig it.
The One and Only...
~Lynn Jones
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thanks for joining the contest
take care -
That is fan-fucking-tastic!
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hahaha....lol. so disgustingly, stupidly austrlian! particularly loved the line:
"So I legged it up the beach like a 'roo being chased by a drunken Abo"
one aussie to another - this was beaut, mate.
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You'll be glad to know that your son Hans Patrick Ramsbottom survived and was found alive on Lord Howe's Testicle eating the last of the incredibly endangered stick insects; he heard you laugh as you ran away and is coming back to kill you and boof your slut girlfriend.
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crazy read
a strange but interesting read, a dash of insanity, spiced with some lust, and topped off with life insurance from all the family, doesn't get better than that.... rudolf -
I saw the title and thought it might be sad, but it turns out I LMAO all the way through it.
I find the lines "Well, let's face it mate,
Sister Janet, the two blind fairies and the kids are never going to make it back to the safety of the bloody boardwalk, are they"
to be rather damn amusing..Then making it to the Pub. Guess it couldnt be all bad.
You made my day.
XxTwigxX
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Just had to click on to read this again, and it's even better than I remembered! Ah, Bondi, miles from care! It's heartening to know that an Aussie can leg it up the beach in such style in an emergency - there's hope for survival of the fittest, after all.
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Good write neighbor, funny as hell and gave me a good chuckle. Happy trails
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the dead jew christ? i came here thinking maybe you had something worth while to say.
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Disturbing and yet funny at the same time
Hope in your imagination you took care while playing with "a Sheila with two enormous knockers" or else... you might need another tsunami to clear up the problem!
Best wishes... ~Genie~ -
dude, as a fellow australian, i hope to god that a tsunami doesnt wash over bondi beach
this was one helluva classic write!
well done, you deserved to get gold
♥ Unity
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lmao... too funny. especially to a fellow aussie (kinda)... reminds me of my uncle kevin... we used to call him lucky kev coz he had EVERYTHING wrong with him. even the pic at his funeral (they never realised till later) he'd been standing behind a sign n one of the stumps on the sign was right where his wooden leg would have been lol. congrats on the gold... it was well deserved,
hugs,
georgie,
xxx -
Geez, sorry to hear about your family.
I was kinda takin' a fancy to Janet. Do you happen to have her on ice? -
Blasphemous and hysterically funny. Not so much a poem as....I don't know, but I liked it nevertheless. Quirky and weird I guess are the words that come to mind. Congratulations on the gold, seeing who the host is, I'm not a bit surprised. I have a link to one of his poems on my authors page, lol.
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How is it blasphemous? I haven't mentioned the dead Jew Christ anywhere.
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hysterical, and kinda weird, congrats on winning gold
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Hysterical!
You deserved your award! -
A VERY GOOD PIECE
and interesting -
well the death of a family, such tragedy, but you instilled humor in this piece... congrats on gold!!
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I bow to the total brilliance of this entry. Tastefully written, heartrending in the extreme: a worthy winner indeed.
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I loved this but I would point out a spelling mistake in line 10 (MAYBE line 11, I am pissed so cannot count): tsunami, Dougie dear. Burp!
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In spite of that it won gold, but I have corrected the typo. Please understand that when a fucking tsunami has just wiped out your entire family and you have just had it off up against a wall with a girl with 48" knockers, you may well make a typing mistake.
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I am quite depressed by this entry. Why? Because I wish I had thought of the tsunami myself. Also the destruction of my entire family has not yet occurred, although I can see I may well have to re-think things.
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Thanks for the gold mate. I've put you on my cobbers list.
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I took this for what it is, a bloody funny poem/story...maybe that makes me a bit twisted in the eyes of others...maybe it's just that I have been blessed with that typical Aussie mentality of being able to poke fun at ourselves before others...I liked it well done
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sheer bloody genius, mate
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i hope that this didnt really happen. this is very sad, i didnt really find it humorous either, but thats just me, the poem is very well written, good luck in the contest
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you wrote from a dark place
using humor to shield you, and your words still spoke
out of the anguish mixed with comic relief. What a bold
thing to do...and also a reminder a clue?
We poets read between the lines...you are struggling to
come thru but I smile...because you are using your humor
to pull you thru make sense of such a brutal nature
killing...that did serve to remind each one of us who
resides on this earth...that mother earth is quite pissed
and has had enough of our squandering polluting..and damn
if she didn't make her voice heard...I know I stopped
and thought more serious of global warming.
Good Job Dear poet....this took courage and thankyou
for the twist...it stopped us in our TRACKS!!!!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
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So not what I expected when I clicked on this piece and than I became horried at the fact that it seemed you were making light of an awful event that happened but than the I saw the humor in this piece after I removed all emotion from this piece!! So with all that said... I think you did quite a humorous piece here and I wish you much luck in the contest!!
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that's completely mad.
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It’s good you can make fun of this side of us
I don’t know why, but I was expecting a sad poem. Maybe it was the ‘lost my entire family’ part of the title. Even though the descriptions of your clan were anything but flattering, I couldn’t help laugh. I’m pretty sure most of us wonder at times, no matter how much we love our family, what it would be like to be out from under all responsibility. It’s good you can make fun of this side of us. Thank’s for the poem. Warm regards, Sultan.
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Is this supposed to be humorous? I really did lose my entire family to death, so if this is just a humorous poem, I dont find it funny. But good luck in the contest it is in...
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