All along,
I've searched in my self a reason why
I could love,
And give until I break down and cry
Why,
why do you have to shoot me down?
It wasn't,
long ago I was...happy
It's only me
locked up in you
It's only you
Disbelieving
silently grieving
I am forced to ask, "Why?"
Why, why, why?
Is it me,
twsiting and changing what I see?
Mirror,
Please don't...lie...to me
What do I,
have to do to know the outcome?
Embrace,
the past, don't reap what may happen...
It's only me
locked up in you
It's only you
disbelieving
and it's only me
wandering alone
and it's only you
silently misleading
Why won't you love?
Can I take it all back?
I'd rather be happy
than mislead...
I don't understand...
Why you always push me away...
A contest entry
- *Let me occupy your mind* [As you do mine] by x dont.cry.out x.
400 points, ended December 19, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Meh.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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this is raw
perfect!!!!! this is what i was looking for in forbidden love. wish you entered this
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Bravo!
Is it me,
twsiting and changing what I see?
Mirror,
Please don't...lie...to me
.....noble description of a truly wonderful artist born with relativistic nature of the ethereal world of art....good luck to the contest!
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I really like this piece. Keep up the wonderful work. As far as I can see it doesnt need anything do to it, i like it just as it is.
Keep penning
brit brit -
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Thank you.
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Interesting write, well written. There are so many Why's in this world. If only we had the answers. I liked how you made me feel the pain and turmoil as if I am you. Great writing dear poet.
Ami
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this relates to me in so many way and i love it so much
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I like this a whole bunch. Its really great.
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I think, if the punctuation was used more sufficiently, then the poem would be a bit more understandable, which would make it better in a whole. I like the central idea, very good choice of words. Great job on this, and hope everything gets better : ]
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To get an idea of how I wrote this read my reply to the comment below
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understandable. very good write, either way.
: ]
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some of the lines breaks in this are really really weird. They break up the thoughts so much. I don't know if this was intentional but its odd and I don't think it added anything. Some lines defiantly have something speical about them "its only me, locked up in you" has a really interesting ring to them, i'd love to see that expanded in an extended metaphor on cages and the suchlike, that has real promise.
Basically I reckon this is good in that all the lines are good but the layout takes too much away and some lines could use remodelling to make the msot of them
hope any of this helps...
love xxx -
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The style I wrote it in: (shown below)
"Why,
why do you have to shoot me down?""
is written in the sense of a two-voice poem, meaning the "why" would be said by someone else. I write like this alot. But yeah, thanks for the criticism.
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This is pretty good. A lot of people ask this question... Why? I know I do a lot. You did a great job expressing what you were trying to say in this. keep up your great work! and best of luck in the contest!
Crimson -
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Thanks! And the best of luck to you too, in any contest you may enter.
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this is a really great peace..i love the way i felt when i read it..it drew me in.
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That's what I do -- draw people in.
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This is really good!
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aww hunni
*hugs*
it will work out
powerful peice
love you -
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Thank you *hugs back*
This piece was written about my last fucked up--- er, I mean ---- relationship. I gave so much yet all I got back was " I just wanna be friends..."
Thanks again!
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Very good
Your feelings leap out of your words and ignite the emotional fires alive within your verses. Your simplest words can carry the most weight when you make the reader feel them as well as hear them; and you do this so well. Excellent in both from and delivery.
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Thank you.
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