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Silver Blade

Cryptic nightmare that seems so real.
The end of all my ideals.
I have so many turns in life.

Sliver Blade you kill tonight.

My dreams of wings and taking flight.

Far from the nightmare of daylight.

I stalk unknowing prey tonight.

Taking on my real face.

No longer hiding my demon race.

In a crypt I keep your soul.

Why should I find mercy.

When the world found me none!

 

Silver Blade you kill tonight

My dream of wings and taking flight. 

A contest entry

Please comment and tell me what you think.:D

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Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • nobodys-girl
    September 4

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    I love the darkness of this so much. "Why should I find mercy. When the world found me none!" i think that line is something that everyone can relate to. great write.


  • Mr. Bleu
    October 1, 2008
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    6/10*

    not my favorite but good.


  • Emo-As-Can-Be
    June 18, 2008
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    cooooooooooooooooolllllll

    good


  • Great Cthulhu
    April 25, 2008

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    This is an impressively dark tale, thanks for sharing! Interesting rhyme scheme you've chosen. Keep your pen to the page and thanks for entering!


  • Cesarean
    April 20, 2008

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    I liked this a lot, but I didnt really see it as dark so much as her arguing with herself, which for me explains away the choppy sentence structure. You can't be expected to be all there when you're a few fries short of a happy meal yeah?


  • BuriedTreasures silver member
    April 11, 2008

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    Excellent imagery---Very well versed & Structured--Well done and best of luck in the contest!


  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    February 22, 2008

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    I wholeheartedly disagree with Luminescence about the capitalization, I do it, I like it, it’s your choice. I like the first sentence but the rest of the stanza is just mush compared to it. None of it flows together and you’re trying too hard to rhyme, if you ever do, then don’t make it a rhyming poem. I really just don’t like any of the rest of the stanza.

    Try in the next stanza instead of “of” try “With” so it doesn’t sound as awkward. I don’t like the next sentence but that one I don’t think can be fixed unless you take out the format. “I stalk unknowing prey tonight” that is fine, no problems there but the next sentence just ruins it, please consider not rhyming in this poem. I think you have a lot of work to do with this poem and if you want take these ideas and rewrite the whole thing and let me see it “D I’d be really impressed with seeing it without rhyming.
    Thank you for entering my contest and good


  • Luminescence
    February 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A couple things that should be fixed:
    There are so many fragments in your poem... it would be best if you would make the sentences correct. You don't have to capitalize every single letter at the beginning of the line either because it makes it seem very chopy.... just some suggestions...

    Otherwise this could be the beginning of a very nice and well written poem.

    Thank you for entering our contest and good luck,

    ~Lumin


  • Walk-Free
    February 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very dark and interesting..

    "Taking on my real face.
    No longer hiding my demon race."

    Wonderful rhyme you have there

    Thanks and best of luck (:


  • The Cube
    February 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done, dark yet satisfying. I love it.

    Dr. Cube


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    January 21, 2008

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    ohhh dark indeed!!! A lot of people don't like when you mix rhyme with non rhyme but I think it's great myself... so I LOVE it!! The rhyme you did use was really well done too!!!

    Damn that was evil! I can just imagine the evil face being revealed too... spooky!


  • kidwithgun silver member
    January 21, 2008
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    this is fucking rad. i dig it.


  • Simply Lost
    January 21, 2008

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    I think this is a fabby poem, but Bandaid is right, a few less full stops to improve the flow, and it'll be super!

     

    I love the way you've structured it! All you need to do is look through it and work on some of the syllables :D

     

    It's really good, and a bit of work will not do any harm :D


  • Girl With Guitar silver member
    January 1, 2008

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    It's a good write but personally I don't see the need for the excessive punctuation. A few less full stops would still make this poem work.

    ♥Bandaid.


  • Peace and Love942
    December 31, 2007

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    extrodinary!

    wonderfully constructed. Flowed nicely from line to line. My favorite lines were "Why should i find mercy/when the world found me none!"


  • moluv10
    December 31, 2007

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    This is very good! i love the imagery that you have created with this wonderfully penned piece. Great job!


  • Nick B
    December 31, 2007
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    I like it, it flows very well, and it stays focused while using a lot of symbolism and imagery.


  • LostSoul612
    December 31, 2007
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    One of the greatest I have read on this subject

    Everything has it's own meaning, everything flows just right, great, keep it up


  • Georgia La Mariposa
    December 31, 2007

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    this is a wonderful poem, it's a little hard to read with the clashing background but the content is wonderful


  • Naridill
    December 31, 2007

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    Very intriguing. Nicely penned. Fluent and the flow is stunning.


  • ramonesgirlxoxo
    December 30, 2007

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    I enjoyed this one thoroughly, but I wanted it it be longer.
    "Sliver Blade you kill tonight.
    My dreams of wings and taking flight"
    Chilling and beautiful line.


  • Dancing the Rumba
    December 18, 2007

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    You have so much talent, and you use it too! Great write here-
    Vivien


  • Sir Squigglim
    November 16, 2007

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    how true. awsome. there is no way i can expain this without ruining it, so i wont bother(good thing?) anyway. great. i love your poetry so much.. its like a story of my life!


  • xXxCry-HavocxXx
    November 15, 2007
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    this is awsome and it explains a lot


  • ForgottenMemories
    November 14, 2007

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    wow this was fabulous!!
    I really like how you wrote some stuff more then once.

    'Silver Blade you kill tonight
    My dream of wings and taking flight.'
    I loved reading your poem, it's amazing!!


  • poeticweaver gold member
    November 14, 2007

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    Awesome.

    I think you have some skills here. I like reading all types of poetry. Very well expressed here daughter dear! Thanks for sharing you! Peace, AP Dad, Timothy aka poeticweaver~

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