*Contracted between us, a champagne state
bubbling bitter after-tastes, digest fate
Lay roads of stone, clip bushes back
to stumps, make sure the weeds are gone
from between the cracks, dust paths
with poison---make everything neat
Velvet drip entries, swathe in softness
greet compadres and their wives---
offer the finest wines, the most succulent
fruits, plucked from obscure trees
Taken for someone else, someone in Panama
a bow with white gloved service involved
in their fantasy---every man, hold it
accountable to none
The time has come for a party!
Invite only the best, tender skin
untouched by sun---say 'yes!'
like Del Monte, throw hats in the air
Enclosed by a marquee
give thanks to the country-side
providing drunken escapades
away from 'the masses'---
*chorus
!!!---VS---!!!
*Contracted between us, a champagne state
bubbling bitter after-tastes, digest fate
Lay roads of stone,
clip bushes back to stumps,
make sure the weeds are gone
from between the cracks, sweep paths
with poison---make everything neat
Velvet drip entries, drape with dusted
greetings, compares and their wives---
offer the finest wines, most succulent
fruits, plucked from obscure trees
Taken for someone else, someone in Panama
a bow with tied glove service involved
in their fantasy---every man,
hold it accountable to none
The time has come for a party!
Invite only the best, tender skin
untouched by sun---say 'yes!'
like Del Monte, throw hats in the air
Make it square, by a marquee---
exclusive! Now the country-side
provides opportunity away
from 'the masses', escape
as we're The Chosen few.
*chorus
Author notes
palimpsestral planning (leisure dept.)
A contest entry
- Spontaneous vs. Contrived Combust by ErrantHeart.
600 points, ended February 13, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
tell me exactly what you think; no holds barred!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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as I read the spontaneous version I see that the piece is image-driven, but there aren't enough descriptives for me to conjure any images- I'm picturing that your picturing something, but I cannot see it... the word 'bitter' sets the mood... I see a wedding...
in the rewritten version I see a mansion that hold negative connotations... especially when it's all about crowd and image- a lot like what I see going on right here on AP - that of people existing solely for crowd and image...
and I'd be careful before I glorified the poor, too! A very common misjudgement in art.
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"the piece is image-driven, but there aren't enough descriptives for me to conjure any images- I'm picturing that your picturing something, but I cannot see it.."
damn. I always wonder that
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Okay. Thanks Polly, now we can begin the heady task of comparison.
What I've done is put your edited version in the quick comment floating thingy while I was reading and then I can closely compare side by each.
Okay, so you've subbed "dusts" with "sweeps"...and for me I preferred "dusts". But I see you've put "dusted" down in the second stanza and removed "swathe in softness". I mourn this.
Anyway...
First off, let me say I really like this poem. And surprisingly enough find that I, by far, prefer the first version. You have some really beautiful lines that seem to just have fallen so naturally into place, while your second version seems more stilted, more...and I'm serious here...CONTRIVED...well knock me over with a q-tip! Though I do like the addition of "The Chosen few." in the second version and think it would sit very well at the end of the first version as,
"providing drunken escapades
away from 'the masses'---
for the Chosen few."
Now to content. I don't think content or meaning has changed any between versions, at least not to my view. I think this poem is about the sacrificing of Nature to satisfy the greedy, hungry natures of man, their gaudy usurping and ceaseless encroaching into places where they have no business being. I think your poem describes very eloquently your distaste for this type of thing... and mine as well...though I might have been meaner...less classy.
All in all this has turned into a wonderful example for comparison and discussion.
Well done, girl. Great, great, great. I'm curious what other opinions shall be...if we can get 'em, that is.
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ps; I really like your synopsis of the content...I couldn't have put it better myself
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thanks ErrantHeart!
I think I agree; the 1st version seems more truthful, somehow
although I omitted some lines because I feared cliche, I believe the cliched lines work!
it's funny, because I tampered with this slightly more than usual---normally I write something, then wring my hands about a comma for 3 days
perhaps I should have attempted a form with the 1st version's content for the experiment to be shown fully, but on this excersise, I believe that spontaneous wins
thanks again for the attentive contest! -
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I agree Polly, I think spontaneous does win in this case. Looks like Mykeee also preferred your first version best.
I also think we perhaps shouldn't worry about clicheness because hells bells if something didn't work and work so well it wouldn't be cliche in the first place.
If that makes sense.
I also was surprised to find your second, edited piece hadn't shrunk in size any. My edits are usually more pared down...though of course not always...sometimes they just keep on engorging even.
Thanks again polly. -
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I think I was working to a syllable count; so perhaps the size remained because of that...I can't really remember *embarrassed*
I do think the 2nd version is tidier on narrative -
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A wonderful entry. I'm closing this puppy(contest) down for judging Jan. 31, as I think it's petering out somewhat.
Thanks again for your submission. -
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cool...it's been a long time!
thanks for hosting
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Pretty much the same, some points of structure and clarity in the second one. enjoyed the abstart metaphors in both. - Good luck
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Hi, Mykeee. I'm curious if you had a preference for one version over the other?
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I like the first one. I love the deeper, quick off the tongue responses. It feels more personal. The second was trying to structure it a bit so the rawness of the first one I enjoyed better.
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I agree.
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top rate tees in the first stanza
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Do you mean a top rate teaser in the first stanza, as in a nice lure or lead into the poem? Because if so, I agree.
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That's fine, I'll not doubt your stanzas. It'll be interesting to see if they stay like that or alaman left, alaman right or fade out altogether.
Thanks for entering.
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