Silly boys, silly boys,
seeing only with their eyes,
immune to what lies beneath the surface of girls.
blind to their personalities, their hearts.
Silly, silly boys,
shredding the paper hearts of girls to confetti,
throwing them back at the damsels in distress,
falling down,
piling up,
cascading over mountain tops...
a colder substitute for snow.
My heart has been among the torn,
resembling now a kindergartner's arts and crafts project,
glued in the wrong places,
uneven,
distorted
an explosion of emotions,
scattered scribbles of every color of the rainbow,
jagged edges,
and a random piece of macaroni
just to shake things up.
Was this really shaped like an actual heart at one time?
Was it ever whole and pure and perfect?
Foolish boys...
awful boys...
haters and heart breakers
tearing at the strings of my self esteem
until it's completely broken.
They are the thorns among the coveted flower.
I can't help but prick myself as I reach for that which I desire.
Blood flows with tears.
Happiness is far from reality.
But you are the patch of blue in the stormy sky,
my treasured silver lining of the thunderous black cloud hanging over me,
always there to offer your hand and help me up when I fall.
When I tumble down the ladder of sucess and happiness,
You're always there,
bringing me back to the top where you and I belong.
And even though I've always loved you for that,
I haven't really quite realized how much...
until now
You are the only one who has ever cared.
You are the only one who has been there for me since the beginning.
You have stuck by my side.
through thin and thick,
pain and happiness...
through it all and then some,
We've been to the end of the world and back again
You've made me smile when all I wanted was to cry
You're the only one who really knows me at all.
And now I've realized
you are the rose among the thorns.
You've been there the whole time
but I've mistaken you as a nice leaf...
soft and kind...
but nothing like a flower I yearned to possess.
You are what I want,
and you're not too hard to reach.
The path we've built being ever the best of friends
has marked you as X on my map
You are the treasure at the end of my rainbow.
the flower for my picking.
the one that I want.
The only one.
Author notes
"I've Completely Lost Myself And I Don't Mind"
A contest entry
- I can hear you in a whisper, but you can't even hear me screaming........ by Carpe Noctem.
650 points, ended November 26, 2007, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Only One (Evanescence Inspired) by EvenStarsBreak--x.
600 points, ended September 6, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I found it to be a very interesting write and nicely written as well. You potrayed great imagery, fantastic write. =] Thank you for the entry.
x-Pretty-Odd-x <33 -
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Why thank you!!!
Just curious, is your name from the Panic at the Disco album? Meaning, did you pick your username because of that?
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212
[out of 10]
originality: 6
creativity: 8
Catchy Title: 4
Transitions: 5
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 11
(Balance of) ideas: 9
Length: 7
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 12
Interesting opening: 10
Effective ending: 12
Universal Theme: 20
Flow: 18
Focus: 10
Passion/Emotion: 20
[out of 25]
Message: 25
Initial impact: 18
Final impact: 17
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 212
i am 100% sure that next time around, if you keep your poems more to-the-point, and if you use metaphors effectively, that you will score at least 30 points higher from me next round.
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Hello,
Congratulations, you have made the first cut. I will be making a second cut. In order for you to have a chance at making it past the next cut is to apply for this group. Please look for the information that is required for you to give me, so that you can join; don’t worry, it is only two things: username and gender. This will help me organize making cuts better. Thank you.
Again, congratulations, and good luck.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
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The transition from stanza three to stanza four is really weak. You say how awful boys are, but then you're all like "But I love you" - and I'm thinking "Huh? What?"
Your poem has no focus.
I honestly don't like the "silly boys, foolish boys" it actually degrades the poem.
With some polish, this could really profound...but right now it's kind of a bit much.
You definitely, definitely have talent though. There were parts in there that were awesome; such as,
"shredding the paper hearts of girls to confetti,
throwing them back at the damsels in distress,
falling down,
piling up,
cascading over mountain tops...
a colder substitute for snow."
"They are the thorns among the coveted flower.
I can't help but prick myself as I reach for that which I desire."
"But you are the patch of blue in the stormy sky,
my treasured silver lining of the thunderous black cloud hanging over me,
always there to offer your hand and help me up when I fall."
"And now I've realized
you are the rose among the thorns.
You've been there the whole time
but I've mistaken you as a nice leaf...
soft and kind...
but nothing like a flower I yearned to possess.
You are what I want,
and you're not too hard to reach.
The path we've built being ever the best of friends
has marked you as X on my map
You are the treasure at the end of my rainbow.
the flower for my picking.
the one that I want.
The only one."
-now, all of those good parts are pretty much half the poem.
The other half was just 'ok' but with some scrapping, as in, taking out some lines and stuff, this could be more polished and concise.
I'd like to see how you do in the contest...I think you would improve- that is- if you have an open mind and can take this kind of constructive criticism.
Overall, good; however, needs polish.
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Thank you for taking all that time to right out your opinion!!!
Don't worry, I don't get too upset about constructive criticism, I actually really appriciate it. That's what makes me grow, what makes everyone else grow. I mean, what would it be like just to hear "awesome, good, wow" all the time? Then there would be no strive to improve, no stretching to the next bar to advance a level in what ever you do, whether it's poetry or just life in general.
I really do appriciate everything you had to say, and I hope you consider me for your contest. I know I need improvement, but I am willing and able to learn =]
Love Always,
Caroline -
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http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
Please apply for the group, so you can be put on the official cast.
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Did I comment on this before?
....guess I did...but that line: and a random piece of macaroni...still gets me..it's a gem that brings bac old memories. I do love this work Caroline...even better now. A great work, and one can read time and again and still enjoy it as much as the first time read...keep it up ..
Evan
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it is soft in the way it describes the pain and the way that pain seems to turn around and while that seems far from the truth being somewhere in the midst of this experience myself it sheds a different perspective on it all and it makes it a little more enjoyable to read about than the heavy oh the pain is so unbearable i want to die to end the pain
im not so sure about the line silly boys silly boys
while true it seems a little too sing songy ant it is just too starch a contrast the the rest of the poem that it almost throws you off and makes you want to read it like a nursery rhyme and this is much better than that and has a lot more emotion and feeling behind it than mother goose
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Sweet...
A very beautiful penning here Caroline, heartfelt and passionate. Still a few dabs of paint here and there that need attenion, but truly a work of art...Kudos!
And yes there needs to be more of those litte "hurray guys" below..
Evan
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Aww thank you so much!!! I can't even begin to say how much it means to me for you to have helped me with this poem, whether it's with grammar or just stating your opionion. And sure, it was mostly periods and such, but it really helped with the flow of my piece. Haha I never would have thought that by sending a group message asking some people to comment my poem would attract someone to read it who was as loyal and kind as you, but I'm glad it did
Love Always,
Caroline
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look at your grammer
* there should be a period at the end of the fourth line.
*comma after "torn" on the beginning of the second stanza.
*in general, look at places where you need periods and commas.
i like the comparisons that you have, but i got a bit ADD, so it was hard for me to read the whole thing ^_^
you have gotten better
LXF
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Very well done!
I like the creativity in this piece and I do wish you all the very best of luck in this contest!
Bravo! -
If only I could award more applause...I think it is unnecessary to say you are a finalist, and a very probable trophy winner! I can't say enough about this, except that you've inspired me to write something like it as well! Thank you very much for entering, and best of luck!!!
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Oh thank you so much for your kind words!!! Wow, I feel honored to be a finalist, and I am very glad that I may win a trophy And I am very very happy to have inspired you as well!! Yay, this made my day !!
Love Always,
Caroline -
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You're welcome!!!
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I too fell for my best friend who was a guy.I love the way our love builds off of the friendship we already had,its great.Lovely poem well written and very imaginitive.Some spots were a bit rough but i found it to be like a polished pearl.Well done.
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