Hey You!
Miss ‘think it through.’
I betcha’ can’t walk behind closed doors!
Betcha’ can’t Stick yourself in a gritty basement
& write until your fingers blister
slip em’ inside me &—make me moan.
Get lost inside yourself! I dare you!
come back to me—the dark siren you use to be
lick my bleeding wound.
Betcha’ can't crack your uncut fingers
The slaughterers of your darling muse
Hah.... you think you’ll make it now?
You used to let me do all the talking
Now you’re too preoccupied with perfect grammar
Let me slip into your vernacular—make you scream my name!
my cracked arms and scalded fingers are reaching out
eyes staring into your green eyes
You know you want to—
wrap your overworked legs around me
s p r e a d e m ’ o u t
and come inside me!
Author notes
I won bronze once and silver once so rather than entering two I thought this one could take a shot...haha... Thanks for the referral. This is an oldie but a goodie (and also a crazy). haha. This is one for my gritty thoughts!!!
"I WANT TO WIN" lmao ;-) I always read your rules
In a list
A contest entry
- Be challenged...Live. by DeepDarkDesire.
450 points, ended March 18, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark and Twisted Desires 2 by Darkend.
600 points, ended June 18, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES THAT HAVE WON BRONZE OR SILVER ONLY by liquidmindforever.
400 points, ended May 31, 99 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Out of the Box
Hey Poet Friend,
Welcome to my contest: PREWRITES FOR BRONZE & SILVER TROPHY WINNERS, ONLY with your submission MY INNER SELF COMING OUT.
You had me coming and going; no pun intended.
Clever.
Best wishes
until then
stay
liquid
finalist -
Hi Amy, as requested:
Obviously I am wondering who the narrator is referring to and I'm going to take it as the shadow self, or perhaps the person the narrator used to be.
It's almost like poking yourself with a stick and saying, yeah, you think you know you are me, well just wait for this... etc.
The colloquial/slang language works for me, you tend to make more of an effort when speaking to others than with self, so that works well.
It's like the battgle between the little old self and the mature new self. I get this from the grammar line. It's like a primary 5 saying to a 1st year, "Hey look what I can do, catch up or be left behind".
Some effective imagery like:
"gritty basement", "write until your fingers blister", "cracked arms, scalded fingers" - although, I thought crack and cracked were too close in proximity to each other for me not to think 'repetition' and I don't think it adds anything to the poem to repeat this word (albeit with an 'ed' on the end), I would replace one of them personally.
One other minor nitty: I think you and I both know you can do better than "bleeding wound" - although, yes, I know the image you are going for and of course this fits it, but I think you could push it a little further.
It's an interesting read, but I don't think you need "inner self" in the title, I read the poem before the title and I knew what you were getting at. Well, at least I think I do
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Wow
This is a very "in your face" poem. I love the twisting around and the changes in the wording and punctuation. It added a definate emphasis to your poetry. Well done! Best of luck in my contest. -
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Thank you for the comment and the Bronze
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Very good misleading at times which is great.
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Reading this again, probably for about the fifth time, and picked up on a minor error:
"s p r e a d e m ’ o u t" - the apostrophe should be on the other side of the abbreviation "em". -
Heavy duty
Interesting layout. Interesting ideas. Intrepretation is probably dependent on the reader. I'm curious of your take. So I'll look at the comments. Thanks for the share
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Excellent
I enjoyed this, the language really spiced it up. You are really good with shock effect, and believe me I did enjoy the erotic flare, but going with the prompt "shadow" and the Herbert quote, I'm thinking as your title says the inner self, you talking to you. I see kind of a really funky writer's block "slaughters of your darling muse" and "preoccupied with grammar". Whatever you really meant it was a thoroughly enjoyable read.
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My initial reaction to this is simply: hot damn. It's so intense, the emotion is so strong. I really don't even know what I would say to change it. It just flows so powerfully.
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I got lost in the alleys of your mind.
It jolted me.
Took me to places I do not want to remember that I have seen before.
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Aha!
Rivetting with beautiful imagery and abstract thinking. I find a gorgeous Jungian tragedy in this that leaves me analysing your work a little more. The pace and the flow a very strong thoughtout this, it makes me shiver rethinking your words.
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Brilliant.
I'll have to leave it at that for now, because I'm at work, but I'll probably leave you a more detailed comment later.
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I just wanted to take a bite into this one. I LOVE this piece, very much.
Humiliation, domination, it has all the erotic elements that make a great read. Yum! The imagery is fantastic!
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The bit of erotic in this was kind of shocking but it added to the mood of the poem. Its neat how its more like a taunt than just simple words on paper. Thank you for sharing this with the group.
animated
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Very unique erotic write you have penned here - different kind of read for us. Liked the creative use of space as well.
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this is a very expressive erotic poem thanks for sharing it with the group
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kind of takes the breath away ... sounding somewhat of a rant; a sexual rant. Maybe a taunt. Thank you for sharing with the group.
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Very creative, loads of dark imagery. You've a knack for writing, I enjoyed it. Thanks for entering.
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wow
thanks for letting me know you edited this, it was a pleasure to read and i felt like i related to it. good work
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~AWESOME~
This is GREAT * The capture of erotic writing at hand * This is how poems R written * Really enjoyed it *
Thank U
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Dark and Deep
Dark and disturbing and suitably deep. Enjoyed reading this a lot. Well done. Imagery superb.
All the best
Wayne Leon -
thanks
however i found this really hard to read, maybe changing the background may help, -
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check it out now.
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Very disturbing. Hopefully that is what you were going for. The format is different, and that I like. It flows very well, which is even more disturbing that I like this poem. It's just so morbid! Great write. Thanks for entering my contest.
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haha Glad you were disturbed and glad you liked it as well.
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This was very interesting and very sexual. Well done and keep on writing!
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thanks!
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Your welcome
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Very dark and lustful, quite a disturbing image pasted throughout the piece, almost violent but sexual, my heads pounding and I can't think straight so I am sorry if this comment sucks... but I will say this, there has not been a piece from you that I have read that I didn't like... peace.
Daz -
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thanks Daz!
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awesome as usual luz, you messed up beast!
....kinda horny, kinda scary completely original! xxx
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haha thanks
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....., very emotional. nice job =]
thanks for your entry, good luck
stephanie -
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Thank you!
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Stunning Writing
This is just fantastic writing here. Powerful, strong, beautiful, emotional. It blew me away. Wonderful writing from a wonderful writer. Keep it up.
All the best
Wayne
x
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Thank you. I recently made a few adjustments to this peice. :-)
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I can only assume at this moment that this is under the option of explosions Very well written, the punctuation and capitalization mixed with the form make this a wonderfully written piece. Thank you for entering.
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Exactly. I didn't know if you wanted me to state which category I entered under but yes, very much a kind of mental explosion from within. I am glad you liked it as it was a vent-style piece.
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