The scarlet fruit hung
from the tree of life.
One of many adorning, the papered walls
in the room of a starving man.
Greedily he eyed the nectar filled orbs.
Drool running down
from the corner of his mouth
in anticipation of sleep
where dreams of a full stomach
came true.
Alone and neglected.
Nursing home bankrupt.
With bleeding fingers
every day a little worse.
He peels the led rich coating
off the wood trim around
his boarded up window.
Something for his belly
before the bliss of sleep.
He sucks the sticky crimson pain
from his arthritic digits and fades away
from this bed of agony he's bound to.
Author notes
http://uglyproductions.deviantart.com/art/Apple-Tree-42593608
"They say the mind bends and twists in order to deal with the horrors in life. Sometimes the mind bends so much in snaps in two."
2:Write a poem set in a hospital or old folks home.We all know how they smell, make it a part of your poem. Even if you don't win anything, I'll give you 10 points for writing a good poem with this prompt.
In a list
A contest entry
- Transparent Thoughts by zochit2me.
800 points, ended November 18, 2007, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Plethora by TheDemonEve.
1100 points, ended May 30, 2008, 46 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Well...this is painful I guess. I don't know. Wasn't really what I wanted though it is a good poem. Thanks for entering though.
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terrific
This is fantastic.An extremely wonderful piece,which I feel shows a warmth and wealth of knowledge and understanding. -
okay, this is interesting.
where does it use the smell?
I think it would be a bit better if you replaced the
!s with periods, and I agree with april somerston, it would be better if you fixed the spelling mistakes and made a clearer distinction
I think 'peals' should be 'peels' though, why would he be making noise off the wood trim?
please reply when you think the mistakes are fixed.
thanks a ton and best of luck. -
This is a very nice beginning, but there are a few things I'd like you to consider for revision's sake. I noticed that you've entered this in a few other contests, which I usually would discourage because I like people to revise their work for my contests, and any changes you make also should be consistent with the demands of other contests. It certainly won't count against you, but I just thought I'd make you aware. Now, the suggestions:
-I really like how you set apart the word "hung." That was descriptive and evoked a feeling of tantalization. The use of line breaks in subsequent stanzas did not quite have the same impact; can you re-arrange them so that they do?
-Spelling: "peals" should be "peels." To peal means to ring, like a bell. I think also "led rich" should be "lead-rich," because I think you're referring to lead, the toxic substance, hence his delusion resulting in death.
-Is he really anticipating sleep, or is he anticipating remaining awake and filled? I would like you to make a clearer distinction there.
Thanks so much for entering, and good luck. :-) -
wow this is so awesome...so depressing... thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
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This was an interesting poem though. Its a sad piece, very tragic. I like it alot though. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
~Vampy~ -
this is a very interesting poem....i found myself paying close attention to the imagery, and found this poem to be quite sad. great job, and good luck!
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So very sad, yet one of the tragic real life stories faced by so many of the elderly every day.
Wonderful Write
Don
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well written
I can't read anymore of these entries tonight to sad. Good poem written well so sad. Thank you, Boog -
I need your name and permission to print in your Authors notes before I can comment.
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This is a really great poem,
keep up the good work,
Thank you for entering the contest.
And good luck
♥ christina -
Thsi is a really great poem, keep up the good work, and thank you so much for entering my contest, ♥ Christina
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Great write, I like the imagery and it's definatly unique in it's content, well done. Thanx for entering and good luck!
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Very well done, there are a few spelling errors already mentioned, you should take the time to fix them because they kind of distract from the brilliance of the poem.
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This transported me to a dark place, and left my very soul hungry. You project your thoughts onto the reader with easy, flawless skill. Lovely word choice in the entire piece, especially here: "With bleeding fingers
every day
A little worse
he peals
the led rich coating
off the wood trim
around his
boarded up window.
Something for his belly" Few poems are of this caliber, and I thank you for the privilege of reading it. Well done!
Best of luck and thanks for entering!
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nice poem... idk what else to say!!
the language was good and i love how you restricted how many words go on each line -
1) most pieces with a title like this are...ish. thanks for not submitting a crappy poem
2) "Of a starving man!" FRIGGIN AWESOME exclamation placement there.
3) "Of sleep,/Where dreams,/Of a full stomach,/Come true." that line could be removed--i don't feel it adds to the poem at all.
4)"Alone and neglected,/Nursing home bankrupt,/With bleeding fingers,/Every day,/A little worse," could be taken out too, so that the next part will have more punch.
5)damn good punch
6)"peels", "lead"<--Please fix! otherwise, it's unclear what the heck you're talking about. which is a shame, because that specific part is excellent.
7)"He sucks,/The sticky crimson pain,/From his arthritic digits," could also be removed, but you'd probably have to replace it with something to make the next line make sense.
8)nice poem. Please let me know if you decide to make those changes, though. -
There's definately some very good and original imagery in these lines, and how I like that You actually did a pretty good job with this!
Only thing that bothered me a little, though this has only to do with personal preference - is that you used every other line a capital. Poetic freedom huh, but just wanted to point it out
thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the very best!
Leander -
Some phrasing you have crafted is captivating and beautiful but the piece as a whole seems to grab around too much excess punctuation and needless words. I do feel some slight cropping would add the poetic effect needed.
Thanks for entering
& you are being removed but all poems which don't make pre-lims will be.
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Not sure how this ties into transparent thoughts, but it is a very well written poem with some great imagery in it as well. Some great lines in it...
Nursing home bankrupt,
From his arthritic digits,
I don't however like the capital letters starting each line (just personal preference) but this is a good piece.
Thank you for taking the time to enter and restoring my faith in quality..
Becky
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