Sandpaintings resonate like eyes
that access alternate dimensions.
Designs and patterns weld a web
and weave spatial soul-extensions.
Chants and rituals coalesce
in sequences of pulsing matter,
like starlight through a cosmic veil
forcing windblown clouds to tatter.
Organic protoplasms enervate
that labyrinth where spirits cry --
while sentient creatures clutch in vain
at forcefields, thinning as they die.
Sprites and spirits darken doors
that mark out Fate's periphery.
They meld in incandescent mist,
and transmogrify Infinity.
A contest entry
- Native American Heritage Month, Everyone Welcome! by Luna Tique Fringe.
1400 points, ended November 30, 2007, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Everything! by Uncle Haku.
1400 points, ended March 10, 2008, 49 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Invite For... Silver winners Judged by RedwingSpirit.
475 points, ended April 4, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
-
Hi, really surprised this did not take the gold, loved it, hugs Di
-
-
It's got enough trophies ...
and somebody else probably did a better job.
Thanks for the kind words.
-
-
good job and good luck
-
Thank you for your entry
Well, the use of language in this is very complex. For me a little too much so for the prompt. Normally I would say excellent word usage. But when writing about visions and Native American spirituality, at least for me, there has to be a simplicity, an earnestness that is built on simple uncomplicated words. That are plain in their understanding but still carry much meaning.
Good flow and structure.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
Hi, this poem I like very very much, it has depth that so many poems lack, all the best in the contest, Di
-
Excellent Poem Very well worded. Thank you for taking the time again to enter my contest. I wish you the best of luck
-
Wow. That's all I can say. You combined so many great ideas in this poem, and you executed it perfectly. Amazing.
-
P.S.--
I am a forcefield, thinning as I die
It's very simple, the reason why
Parkinson's Disease
If you please
I smile, though I want to cry -
Elegant, articulate, demonstrating forcefully and aptly that not all poetry need sound like daily speech. Polysyllabics are not only appropriate, but place the poem's texture just out of reach, like the sand paintings elevate the commonplace into something ethereal, transcendent.
-
a wonderful flow and a very beautiful piece... very well worded and I love the metaphysical element that is woven in so seamlessly...
-
Puts me in the mind of the "Ways" of the Dine and their singers, the Native American Church, and it's sacrement also comes to mind.
I love rhyme and flow in this, and I agree with what was said about elitist nonesence, lol.
-
-
I read a book ...
that used those sandpaintings as a symbol of something ... eternity? I'm not sure, but it was a great book, called Standing Wave. I went to bed, woke up in the middle of the night with some images in my mind, got up and wrote this poem. It's odd how things like that happen.
Thanks for the kind words.
-
-
Very Good
Very good - playing with words
They twist and turn with exciting sound
They stretch and chirp like lively birds
In vast dimensions, oh so profound
--Ellis
---------
-
what use of language her, that rlegates this poem to higher understandings of such common and dear things. You have penned a poignant poem, here, pen friend, that is of honor and knowledge that things do not stay the same...indeed they do not, they get richer and stronger and do, as you say "transmorgrify" ( perhaps out of necessity of safety and to keep from being corrupted?). I have seen such corruption, even on this site and it hurts to see it. It is so far from what it as meant to be.
I thank you for this beautiful poem.... here, take my ahnd, we will learn to change to the new changes.
-
Guilty
Absolutely love the last line.
-
-
Thanks for the kind words ...
but what does "Guilty" mean? I seem to remember seeing it on everything comment of yours I've seen.
-
-
Well-penned
The title caught my eye and I had to read it!
I'm trying really hard to be critical but honestly and truthfully I think this is pretty close to perfect. The only thing that I'd critique is lines 10/12: the rhyme cry/die just kills me, but on the other hand you did it so smoothly I hardly noticed. Because you pulled it off so skillfully, and because the way you used the words is not common, I can't criticise you too harshly for it. It just sticks out a bit because all your other rhymes are so rich: dimensions/extensions, matter/tatter, periphery/infinity. Exquisite rhymes that melt on my tongue!
I feel that one of the important elements of your poem is that you use appropriate vocabulary, such as 'protoplasm' and 'sentient' (although all of your vocabulary is delicious!). The word choices lend the poem the appropriate feel, to match your theme.
Also the touches of alliteration slipped sweetly through my lips, really enlivening and supporting your poem.
I'm not really sure where to go with this comment, because while I could continue analyzing your well-written poem, I have not many recommendations for its improvement. Therefore, I leave you with my admiration and hope to wake my brain with another one of your delectable poems!
-
-
Nah ...
no reason in the world not to use cry and die if they fit. That's elitist nonsense.
Thanks for the kind words otherwise.
-
-
ok how about....Phlegmatic zephyrs sweep the cerulean sky fields. Sorry.. i got carried away with your articulate style. The last stanza is a masterpiece in and of itself.
Made my spirit chant.
EXCELLENT!!
MANY BLESSINGS MY GYPSY BROTHER,
LOWELL POE
-
-
Merci beaucoup ...
I appreciate the kind words. Every once in a while I do get a bit carried away, I guess.
-
-
Very adept use of alliteration and imagery in this! And, I'm really blown away by your word choice.
"They meld in incandescent mist,
and transmogrify Infinity."
What a breath-taking line of poetry!
-
I love good rhyme..makes me float.
Wonderful poem!
good luck
-
-
Haven't heard from you ...
in forever. How are you doing?
Thanks for the kind words. I like to read silly stuff sometimes like Guiness and the Reader's Digest book of Facts. It's amazing what you can find there sometimes.
-
-
very nice
the picture that you paint in my mind is great..great used of words that trigger the imagination -
WOW! Pardon my ignorance, but I would be so happy if you could explain the title of this poem. What do the words 'Cerulean' and 'Skyfields' mean? I did find your vocabulary mind-blowing! There are quite a few words I don't know the meaning of and I will check out dictionary.com tonight for them. Beautiful visuals in your poem. I absolutely love the second stanza. Wonderful use of alliteration and assonance in this write. I wish you goodluck with this poem.
All the best,
Charishma Ramchandani
(Montessori Trainee Teacher - Scholar's Nursery School, Wanowrie -Pune)
-
-
Thanks for the kind words ...
cerulean means blue. "Skyfields" simply means "sky", but it's obviously a more poetic rendering than just "sky". The title refers to a sandpainting rendering of a blue sky. A number of American Indian tribes used sandpaintings in various religious observances.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 26 of 26
