You're drinking to the defeat of
innocence, your enchanted ego
swelling like the darkening
crescents above your cheekbones.
Intoxicated slumbers don't
always follow your daring
agenda. They trick (or treat)
your vision, making the 10-cent
eye candy rethink their pricing.
The party ended a few hours ago;
you fell with pelvic thrusts
in time to your signature
7/8 heartbeat when the pseudo-
whores lap dancing for
blow-pop babies
toasted a drink to victory.
Author notes
Option 2.
Username: HagarenHanyou
A contest entry
- Survival of the Wittiest by Avatar of Innocence.
500 points, ended February 4, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 14 to 18 ages enter your best prewrite Judged by RedwingSpirit.
700 points, ended January 7, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ***********Okay here it is************ 5 choices**********Enter If you Dare******* by MyMudPies.
450 points, ended January 27, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love by a-face-in-the-crowd.
450 points, ended February 7, 2008, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - III by N e a r.
4000 points, ended February 16, 2008, 121 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything (sort of) by Puking Faerie Dust.
750 points, ended June 7, 2008, 30 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any good?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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oh my
i liked it alot -
wow that deffinatly sounds like a poem about party with that touch of pain. great job on thise piece! and good luck in the contest
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GENIUS
I love the creative way you write. This is a wonderful display of an amazing and talented mind.
There's not one thing that i can say i don't like. It's just ever so enjoyable.
It also, really makes you think.
Wonderful ..AMAZING job..
"whores lap dancing for
blow-pop babies
toasted a drink to victory. " - Definitly the best line! -
Good
An intersting and unique piece. Not telling exactly where you were during all this, but describing his womanizing and drinking and hurting you all througout. Real good!
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Impressive
There is some dark imagery on display in this poem. I especially enjoyed your second stanza. You have penned a wonderful write that has nothing to do with the prompt of my contest. Keep your pen to the page and thanks for entering. -
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It does relate to the prompt, though
At least I think it does. Because the speaker speaks ambiguously, but most definitely top someone who used to be close. This relation would include father/mother, boy/girlfriend, lover, husband/wife, sibling...I'm not sure if I covered all the possibilities, however, it was directed toward your prompt of "family." Unless, of course, you wanted the cleaner side of what it means to love someone or be in a family, for if you did, I apologize.
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This is like, whoa. It's really good. I love it.
Thanks for entering.
Stay sick.
xx sin -
i love all the imagery you used in this! great job! thank you so much for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! ~CarnalNineTailedFox
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This was really amazing. I read it about three times, and I understand it completely. It's sad today how most teenage girls underestimate their worth, or let others tell them wrong. Great metaphors and wording. I liked how you showed and didn't tell, and how you weren't straightfoward about it. You let the reader have to look between the lines and really understand it. Thank you for entering, and good luck
Jeanette*~ -
i loved it i think you did a very great excellent job here especially towards the end you gave it a little spunk
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Certainly has possibilities with some evocative language. Suggests the end of a bad party date, or a bad relationship, or both. cleverly done.
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~
This is a pretty dark and well-said poem. Your line "trick (or treat)" was my favorite, because it just was so clever!
Nicely written, and in a style I enjoyed to read.
~
Thanks for entering my Valentine's Day contest, and good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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Amazing
I loved this poem. It really caught my attention. It's definately not a cliche love poem! I thought some of the imagery you used was so unique. Exactly what I love in a poem.
"your ego swelling
like the darkened circles
above your cheekbones."
These lines were paticularly good. Fantastic job!
Thanks for entering my contest!
x -
If written from experience i see a lot of bitterness and resentment towards this former lover/none lover.
A case of unrequited love.
Time i think to put down the torch as it shows too much of your love in the reflection and lets the demons hide in the shadows.
If it is not written from experience (as most of mine are not).
Then you do justice to your imagination.
Either way a good write
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Thank you.
And, erm...I'm definitely not old enough to have a lover from 40 years ago.
So.
Thanks, anyway.
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Very interesting. This piece was very powerful, and you had to read every single word. Every word seemed to hold its own.
I love the powerfulness (if that is a word) of this piece... brilliant ~
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Wow. This is some poem that you have here. I really like this. It's very creative with your word plays and your images that you have going on with this. It was your title that first got my attention because it was a little different and forty years is such a long time ago to talk about promised lovers. I'm not sure I understood how it played into this but I'm glad that I clicked on it because it was a fun interesting poem to read. You did a good job.
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Thank you.
The title: I usually make my titles directly related to the poem, as in, it's part of it.
If you added an "and" between the title and the rest of the poem, it'd give you the the full story.
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Great
Definately an intense piece. Unfortunately, I don't have anything in the way of criticsm, just applause of your talent as a writer. Great piece. -R.T -
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Thank you.
And thanks for trying.
I'm glad you like it, but I'm still wondering about the first and last stanzas...
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Excellent, except...
Well, the good news is, this is not a love poem per se, as it does not fit most of the conventions of love poetry.
The imagery, the story-telling narrative in its supreme craftmanship, and the sardonic and warning tone is exceptional. The list of what is good in this poem can go on for miles.
I have to say, this is a wonderful poem. I mean that in all sincerity. I had to read this poem over and over again to find a flaw in it. I had a very hard time and you be happy (or sad) to know that I found just one: the last line.
Now it is a good last line. But it seems to be missing something...it also seems to be extending for the last line...It is the penultimate, not the ultimate. I can only go so far to say that the last line shouldn't be the last line...it is kind of a summation, and ending, but not so much a last line. I know you have it in you to do better.
Good job you.
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Much thanks
Thank you very much.
The last line....man...It was originally "victory" instead of "their triumph."
I'm not sure what I can do to make it better...I'll try to work it, though.
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Damn! That is intence. I love it! Thank you for the write and for following the rules. Good luck in the contest and I can tell you now you are a finalist.
Stepahnie -
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Thank you.
Thank you very much for your kind comments.
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Excellent poem
Thank you for taking the time to enter this into my contest I wish you the best of luck
RedwingSpirit
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