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Camp Fire Story Chapter 1

Missing image

A Serial Killers Whish List Item # 1 (Please read authors notes before reading poem)

On his belly,
He crawls
Creeping slowly
Through the ferns
On the Forrest floor.

Knife in his mouth
And rage in his heart
He reaches the perimeter
Of the Boy Scout Camp.

The Bonn fire
That lit his way
Now burnt down
To a pile
Of smoldering embers.

Standing up
The dim light before him
Cast a shadow
Of a Demonic Prince
About to be baptized
In the blood
Of his tormentors.

He counts the tents
Nine small
And one large
Eighteen boys
And the Scout Master.
The condemned souls
Of Troop Twenty-two.

Silently he moves
From tent to tent
Killing only one in each.
Cupping his hand
Over nose and mouth
The blade
Slips into
The back of their skulls
Severing brain-stem from spine.

A merciful death
But these nine
Were nice to him.
He had a more befitting end
For the other nine.
How delicious the fear
He soon would taste.

With plastic zip ties
He binds each one
To the aluminum frame
Of their cots
And duct tapes
Each of their mouths.

Ah fear
Anticipation over
The sweet smell
Tickles the taste buds.
It tastes like more.

Eyes wide
And screaming
For their duct taped mouths
That can't!

Each tent he leaves
Reeks of fear
And the sweet smell
Of blood.

Finally
The big tent
The Scout Master
The brass ring
For the ring leader
Of the other nine
Who ridiculed
And humiliated
A boy of
Fragile feelings.

No piercing
No black
To be worn
No Goth wanted
Or needed
In this
Lily white clan
Of do-gooder bullies!

Go back to the freaks
And the cellar dwellers
You came from.
Misfits
Aren't welcome here!

Such a false pathetic excuse
for casting him from their tribe.
But truth freed his demon
to buy them all a ticket,
to the firey gates of hell.

The big tent
Looms before him.
Stealthily
He enters the tent
Carrying a big stone
From the fire ring.

Still hot
And burning his hand.
He doesn't let go
The tactile sensation
Of physical pain
Feels good
But can't over shadow
The pain in his heart.
It only clarifies his vision
Of baptism by fire.

Standing over the big man
In the big tent
Rock held high
Over the sleeping mans head
He yells
Hey you fucking scumbag!

Eyes open
And the rock drops.
Not enough to kill him.
He doesn't get off
That easy!

With his mouth
Duct taped
He makes sure
The Scout Master's eyes
Recognize him
Before duct taping
Them shut.
Ah sensory deprivation
Really heightens the fear!

The Demonic Prince
Is awakened
He smells fear
The Scout Master
Is ripe with it!

Leaving the big tent
He gets to work
Dragging all the ones
That were nice to him
out of their tent's
And ties them standing
Against the trees
facing the fire
So they can watch
The festival of blood
And the baptism by flame
Through the lifeless eyes
Of unfortunate innocence.

First stage of the play set
He frolics through the forest
Gathering enough wood
For a Bonn fire.
The sweet smell
Of blood and fear
Drifts through the forest
Here in Yellowstone Park
And is picked up by the wolves.

Gray is their coat
And black is their heart.
Creatures of the night
Undeniably bound
To the Demon Prince.
He bids them
Wait
Not yet
But soon!

The full Moon
Lights his way
To the dying embers
Of the camp fire.
The wolves balefully howl
At the Moon
And wait.

As if gliding in
On a low lying mist
That blankets
The forest floor
He drops
His load of wood
By the fire.

Back into the big tent
For the coiled rope
He'll need
To complete
This Demonic
Work of art.

For fun
He whispers
In the mans ear
Thank you so much
For unlocking
The evil
That dwells within.
Couldn't have happened
Without you!

Like steam
Rising off a pot
Of boiling water
He could see the fear
Rising up
Off of him.
Delicious!
Wait Not yet
But soon!

His hand reaches down
To the place
On the mans head
Where the rock hit.
He gathers up
The still drying blood.
He paints his face
Licking his hands clean
When he's done.

Now for the rope
Up and over
The closest branch
To the fire.
The wolves
Howl at the Moon
Still keeping their distance.

He rips the shirt
From his body
Leaving on
His camouflage pants
And shit kicker boots.

One by one
He drags the nine
From their tents.
As he removes each one
He stops to paint himself
With the blood of the innocent's

Nine Boy Scouts
Bound and gaged
Nine strokes
Of innocent blood
Decorated his body.

Nine cots faced the fire
Upside down
He removed the duct tape
From their mouths
So the Scout Master
Could hear their screams.

With the rope
Tied to the cot
One by One
He lowered them
Feet first
Into the roaring Bonn fire.

With each and every
Blood curdling scream
The sweet smell of fear
Grew thicker.
Each scream
A paint stroke
On the canvas
Of his Masterpiece!

He danced around
Each and every one of them
As he scorched their feet
Beyond use!

Poetry in motion
His beautiful
Human effigies!

Slowly
He pulls them up
Long before...
They could pass out.
He wanted them awake
for the final act!

He stood all nine
Right side up
And with a sinister laugh
That only the blackest of hearts
Could appreciate
He advised them.

Hold your breath
And do not scream
Or you'll scorch your lungs
And ruin my dream.

One by one
He lowered them
Face first
Into the fire.
Just a few seconds
Enough to make them blind
Though no one would accuse him
Of being over kind!

He laid them down
And cut them free
As the innocents mocked them
Tied to their trees.
And they stumbled blindly
On their hands and their knees.

With the final act
Nearing its end
the Demonic Prince
Dragged out their best friend.

The Scout Master you see
Had his eyes on me
He really wanted to be
My very best friend
But my ass would not part
And my knees would not bend
He already had nine
But he wanted ten
This coward did to boys
What he couldn't do to men!

In the middle of nine boys
All writhing in pain
He placed the Scout Master
Who was nearly insane.

Cutting all the tend-ants
In his arms and his legs
And tearing the clothes
From his body
Cutting the bonds
That held him to the cot
He leaves him
With the motor functions
Of a newborn.

Tearing off the duct tape
Recognition shows in his eyes
he looks down and says
Thank you for awakening
The darkness inside.
Behold your creation
I am the Demonic Prince
The son of Satan!

Before you die
I will give you
What you wanted
So badly in life
And hold your manhood
In my loving arms.

The Demonic Prince smiles
As he reaches down with his knife
And cuts off the scum bags penis
And throws it in the fire.

Blood flowing out
With every beat of his heart
Satan's Prince
Pulls from the fire
A burning stick
And cauterizes the wound.

Can't have you dying
Just yet
My children
Like their food
Alive!

The Demonic Prince
Howled at the Moon
It's dinner time
My little Demons.

And as he danced
Out of the camp site
The wolves pranced in!

He danced down the path
To the rhythm
Of the screams and the howls.

He danced until the sound
Faded into the distance
At the end of the path.

He climbs into his mothers
Ford explorer
And pulls a note pad
Off the passenger seat.
At the top of the first page
Is a title "Revenge".

He picks up a pen
And crosses off
The first item on the list
And looks at the next item
And laughs.
The sinister laugh
That only the blackest of hearts
Could appreciate.

The next item on the list
How could I forget
My High School foot ball team!

But that's a story
For another time
Boys and girls
So until we meet again
Goodnight!

Author notes

http://re-director.deviantart.com/art/Camp-fires-62787233 This list chronicals a brother and sister's birth as... "Serial Revenge Killers"

Each item on this list is an epic horror short story written in Straight Verse, Rhyme and Prose. They are in order as they follow the Demonic Siblings go from one group killing to the next. When this list is finished, each item in the list will become a chapter in the first "Poetic Horror Novel" ever written!


I wrote this shortly after joining All Poetry in October 2007. It is 90% Freewrite/Straight Verse and 10 % Rhyme. Before I joined AP I only wrote Rhymed Poetry. Since you mentioned you have a warped sence of humor I expect you'll be cheering for the Serial Killer. Heheh I would have to say that the reason my story line is unusual and unique, is because the Killer in a twisted way is justified and because of the large groups of people he kills at one time. This is the first of three completed poems the fourth I am in the middle of writing right now. I limmit the amount of time spent on them because Just as a criminal profiler has to do I have to emerse myself into the mindset of the killer and it makes me physically ill and mentally twisted. Heheh Word Prompt:2. Anti-Christ

B l u e s M a n

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 92 of 92

  • dutch2lips gold member
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    sinister and dark write, made me look over my shoulder twice and think three times before ever going camping again!
    well done and thank you for entering my contest!


  • FinalWhisper
    October 7

    Edit | Reply

    Wicked Indeed

    The content was good, specially toward the end but for a while there in the middle I was having trouble paying attention and the flow was way off for me. Over all though it turned out to be a pretty good read but I would suggest serious work on the overall flow and exact wording of the piece.

    As for the story itself, I loved it, it was sick and twisted. Had twists and it had 'mercy' and it had sick killings! I like the title of 'demonic prince' simple but perfect. Somehow I feel like you could make this piece stronger in someway if you worked it over a bit with that mind of yours, though it is rather good as it is. It was a bit scary how he slipped in and killed them and bound them up like he did-plus all the dancing was kind of creepy. However, it really wasn't that scary to me personally, the boy just seems like the kid everyone picked on back in school gone mad with serial killer frenzy. I do suspect heavier developments in his future though that should be interesting...

    Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest! Make sure to invite more people if you can!

    Truly and Darkly,
    Doctor of Horrors, Dirk


    • BluesMan gold member
      November 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Dirk,
      This is the first chapter out of four that have been written Chapters 2,3 an 4 involve his sister in the mass killings. If you're interested message and I'll send you the links to the other three.

      Bill

  • WitchyCatWoman gold member
    September 8

    Edit | Reply
    This is a great one to read around a campfire. Poor kids and maybe adults would be afraid to go to sleep lol. This is going to the top. If you do not get gold it will be because you need to use spell check. This is not criticism. Your work is excellent and should never be turned in without checking the spelling first. Awesome poem my friend. Thank you for entering and good luck, which you don't need lol. Great writer.
    Cat


  • islekine gold member
    September 4

    Edit | Reply

    CREEPY Times 9 or 10...lol

    Well done...very vivid imagery....and emotion!
    Where do I find the next part?
    Way cool idea....
    Best wishes always!

    and


  • Heroesrox
    August 28

    Edit | Reply
    With his mouth
    Duct taped
    He makes sure
    The Scout Master's eyes
    Recognize him
    Before duct taping
    Them shut.
    Ah sensory deprivation
    Really heightens the fear

    Wowie! What a true chiller. I did not expect anything like this in this contest, but sure am glad to have gotten this as an entry! AWESOME work here. Good luck and thank you for the share.

  • wow is all i can say


  • darkyinsoul
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    Tid dark indeed..
    your imagery and deapth
    captivating
    Welcome to the finalist
    good luck to you
    Darky


  • Jayde1
    July 14

    Edit | Reply

    dark

    well tis a gripping piece

    dark n nasty

    well done

    imagery is up there with a aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhh


    goodluck in contest


  • Ami
    July 14
    Edit | Reply
    Great write and again gratz on all those trophies but didn't I already comment on over 5 of your writes?
    You keep re- entering and getting rid of the writes I read Anyway another Awesome write
    thank you for entering my contest and good luck
    -♥Amy♥

  • Oh wow. I loved the story line. Absolutely loved how each sequence of events led up to point back to the story. Great job!

  • Brilliant

    Chilling I wish this was a movie I know I would want to see it
    Good luck in the contest.

  • YIKES!
    Got the cold chills with this one

  • this could so easly be a short scary movie certainly chills and i was there all tensed out well done thanks for your entry and good luck

  • I'm sorry, this breaks the 200 line rule and I can't allow it or it will be unfair to others who've tried to submit over 200 lines.

    • BluesMan gold member
      July 1
      Edit | Reply
      I've won enough trophys with this tale of terror. I didn't enter it to win. I entered it for your reading enjoyment.

      Bill


  • Emerald Rain
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    To be honest how does this fit the description of the ontest? It isn't about a relationship between a man and women being ended ubruptly but of something e;se. It is wonerful don't get me wrong.

  • Great! beautiful and gorey. Just one thing to do with grammar, however, in the 4th to last stanza on the 1st line it really should be mother's instead of mothers.
    Well done and good luck in the contest,
    beatjess10

  • piccola silver member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    Cereal killer ... as in cheerios? Whish ... as in the sound made when one turns quickly? Nice job and thanks for entering. When I think of it in that way, I want to go smash my corn flakes.

  • Most well deserved gold for this terrifying piece of poetry, congratulations and man that is some pretty good writing .

    I like it, i like it so!

  • forgot the applause der ta der

  • Um do you mean a serial killer? Not a cereal killer or are you really going to kill corn flakes? That would be fasinating kill tony the tiger or something lol Okay okay sorry back on track now promises.....

    I am going to comment on this Stanza by stanza as I read.

    Stanza 1:

    So far so good getting creepy already...

    Stanza2:

    OHHHHH yeay love Friday the 13 and this is shapingup to be kinda like that only with boy scouts and yes they deserve it lol

    stanza 3:

    great discriptions so far that really adds to the spook factor

    stanza 4:

    wow that is demented, sicking, powerful, and awesomely cool lol

    stanza 5:

    Nice bit there at the end kinda sing song in a way really loved that

    stanza 6:


    wow that is one through killer the spinal cord as well as the throat. I say that is pretty deep

    stanza 7:

    he even killed the nice ones? Wow that is one vengful scout!! ( that is my prediction)

    stanza 8:

    wooo that is getting good bady count is going to be through the roof!

    stanza 9:

    that is twisted you made me shiver! He really is a true pshycopath huh

    stanza 10 and 11:

    these were so short I combined them

    That is great poetry right there great horror as well

    stanza 12:

    brass ring whats that??? so how old is this killer 9 or 10??

    stanza 13:

    do-gooder bullies eh hmmm thats food for thought let me munch on that for awhile

    stanza 14:

    hmmm that is really intense

    stanza 15 and 16:

    Oh wow hey this is freaking awesome I am really loving this

    stanza 17 and 18:

    wow he really is a vengful lil SOB huh

    Stanza 19 and 20:

    oh wow he is completely outta his freaking mind why tie up dead children??

    stanza 21 and 22:

    he really is the span of satan perhaps he is a step son but jesus christ!!!

    Stanza 23-26:


    I am pretty sure this kid was tortouring animals long before this lol

    Stanza 27-30:

    wow and yuck at the same time this really should be a movie I would pay 9 bucks to watch it

    Stanza 31-36:

    yikles burning alive now that is a sick way to snuff someone!!!

    Stanza 37-47:

    oh sexual abuse as well as physical and verbal i am starting to under stand why our crazy lil scout went on this rampage in the first place.

    Stanza 48- end:

    wow!!! I want to read the foot bal one in the next contest okay!! You did amazing blues man You really are a twisted mind you really do belong with us freaks in the night terrors lol


    I am adding this to the finalist list your reward is the applause sorry it isn't more I am runing low on points , and still have the member of the month contest to judge

    • BluesMan gold member
      August 13
      Edit | Reply
      Did you read part two and part three of my Serial Killer Series? Because I just finished part four. Pant Pant and it nearly sucked the life out of me writing it! hehehe
      Please let me know what you think.

      Bill

      A Serial Killers Wish List
      In Darkened Lair (The Asylum)
      Chapter 4
      http://allpoetry.com/poem/5622179

  • "Tearing off the duct tape
    Recognition shows in his eyes
    he looks down and says
    Thank you for awakening
    The darkness inside.
    Behold your creation
    I am the Demonic Prince
    The son of Satan!

    Before you die
    I will give you
    What you wanted
    So badly in life
    And hold your manhood
    In my loving arms.

    The Demonic Prince smiles
    As he reaches down with his knife
    And cuts off the scum bags penis
    And throws it in the fire."


    This is very good. I really enjoyed the write. You have done a wonderful job with the write as all the trophys have attested to. thank you for sharing


  • icyrose
    May 28

    Edit | Reply
    Well, what to say...your numerous trophies speak for themselves!
    This is truly a tremendously good piece; your flow is perfect, and the suspense factor is really high. I felt like every one of those nine boy scouts, and it was really, really horribly great. You have one twisted mind (thank God)! =)

    Seriously, superb job. But you've got too many trophies already!

  • I've read this before, I believe it got an HM in an earlier contest lol... and it's still just as awesome
    Thankyou so much for entering this piece, and I wish you the best of luck!!

    Maria


  • Jazzlyn
    May 14
    Edit | Reply
    ok this is so scary, but i'd probably be one of the nice ones, that he left alive or killed easliy
    i saw everything and felt the fire carressing my face
    that takes a lot of imagrey to get me to actually feel that
    great job but please put what option you picked and you name spaced(?) unless you already have it there can't tell anyway again awesome job with this poem


  • moaner
    May 12

    Edit | Reply
    WOW!!!! that is seriously fucked up in the best possible way hahaha yeap, i see what you mean about the feeling sorry for him, and can also see why you feel ill afterwards! totally awesome, its actually made me quite scared and edgey haha nice work!!!!! x


  • emoempess
    April 27
    Edit | Reply
    wow this is so long and dark...
    yah i like the story...
    creepy
    thanks for the entry,,,

  • creepy!!! I loved it made me shiver from head to toe. Thanks so much for entering such a wonderfully fiendish write. Great job


  • lovingpoet
    March 28
    Edit | Reply
    now that I got some points thaought you would love some and good luck


  • lovingpoet
    March 24

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! it gave me the shivers very nice long twisted write I like it thank you for entering the contest

  • Very very scary!


  • BAMFNx3
    March 12

    Edit | Reply
    Gory and excellent. I loved it. It appealled to my darker side. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!

    <3Kate

  • What a dark and twisted write! Very chilling. Revenge can eat away the victim until they become the monster. This is a great way to do it, without really doing it! I know I have had thoughts more than once about revenge. Great writing! Good luck in the contest.

  • DramaQueen469 gold member
    February 25
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Wow. Just... wow. Very, very cool. I'm very much hoping that it's not a life-write...

    Well done, thankyou for entering and good luck!

    ~*~DramaQueen469~*~


  • LittleMoon silver member
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, amazing piece of writing. No need to say any more, it has all been said. Sheila


  • DeadlyPoetic88
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    wow this was really lengthy but kept me on the edge of my seat as i read. it is also very dark and eerie. well penned piece of poetry. thank you for entering my contest

    -deadly


  • once
    February 10
    Edit | Reply

    *sigh* i like it but...

    this doesn't really follow what i wanted... it isn't deep, its a drawn out massacre of epic proportions. beautiful actually. it is a novel and i get the feeling you didn't really consider the rules before entering this. it is, however, a truly epic piece of gore and violence and i must say i thoroughly enjoyed it.


  • XXheartbroken3XX
    February 3
    Edit | Reply
    I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!


  • Ratfink
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    It's a change to read a really nice lengthed poem from AP. Awesome job on it, btw. Nice imagery and nice details. I really liked it. Good job, keep up the great writing, and good luck in the contest. (Nice work in the other contests.)


  • Dark Otter
    January 9

    Edit | Reply

    Nice Birthday Gift!

    I love the dark and horror in this and I was cheering for the killer. This has an impressive amount of hardware and comments to go with it. Your storytelling capabiltiy in this free verse form stands out. I like its concept and wished for more in significant detail. The things I missed seeing was the original revenge motive, names, physical appearance of killer and victims and some backdrop to the story. What I do like was the over the edge, manic style to the story and the flow that you used in your free verse. The story in this has potential that I like. It is a great read for this birthday bash.


  • XIII Loves
    December 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Looks like you got alot of gold from this poem. I love the imagery and everything! Good luck!


  • HatedLoveDieingRose
    December 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    wonderful... this poem/story is great!! i love it..


  • theredcatjazzoflove gold member
    November 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was a great incredible story here i enjoyed this it had a lot of ooh's and awes for me and i rarely read stories this was good best wishes in the contest


  • FleetingImage
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    what a dark tale you wove for me
    showing me light of darkness i see
    twisting these words to bring on a scare
    chilling my bones and making life unfair
    making me cringe at the sounds i make
    leading me to think that life is all fake
    good luck.


  • trekkergirl
    October 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is definitely a dark story. And it does indeed tell a story. Good job. Good write tho not my type of story. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering it into my contest.

  • DramaQueen469 gold member
    October 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Dude.

    This is freakin' awesome... lol. I much approve (and I speak good Engrish, apparently...)

    Well done and good luck!


  • November-Dani
    October 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is fantastic. I love how you have used the darkness to write a horror story. I will be sure to continue reading the chronicals. Awesome work.
    Dani.


    • BluesMan gold member
      October 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you for the comment AP will not allow me to post part 2 of the chronicals because of their rules if you intend to read part 3 Message me and I'll cut and paste part 2 in a message to you I am currently working on part 4 which will be posted some ti


      • November-Dani
        October 14, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Fantastic I would LOVE to read part two, why is it against their rules? Anyway, looking foward to it.
        Dani.


  • arnica karuna
    October 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Plenty dark and the most gory poem I've ever come across. And the best part is that this is glaringly dark... been a long time since i read anything so glaringly dark and scary at the same time. I could feel the demon prince's anger... extremely bloody. Thanks for your entry and good luck!


  • poeticcaresses
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ummmm.... Wow this IS dark. I'm torn on this one. There is absolutely no doubt that it is extremely well written. Being a mother of 2 I flinch any time any child is hurt, hence the mixed feelings. That aside the clencher on this is the obvious abuse from the camp leader. I have to applaud at the poetic justice involved here. Though, again, as a mother I would have left the children out of it! Still, very well written, very well told.

    http://allpoetry.com/poem/4647343
    http://allpoetry.com/poem/4644259


  • Lost Vampyre Angel
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is very well penned, it keeps the readers reading and it is a well deserved gold and other trophies. this defiantly is very graphic, it didnt give me chills but it is still good
    all my love best of luck in the contest
    kitty xxx


  • Star Shine
    August 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This won a gold for being putrid in a contest? Well I wouldn't use that word! Graphic, descriptive, on the edge, with some great lines and sometimes a bit over the top, but obviously thought-out much like the crime itself. Leaves the reader with an aftertaste of fear, as the writer and perpetrator intended. Needs a quick spell check. Very creative scary piece.

  • Night Terrors
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow that was very long but my style of poem I love horror I really love this very scary I am adding you to the finalist list


  • Darkend
    June 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a truly horrifying and twisted write. Very creative and scary. Well done. Thanks for entering and best of luck.


  • SpiritDarkmaiden
    June 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I guess I have the blackest of hearts because I really appreciated that laugh. Thank you for entering this I loved it, it felt like I was reading a mini novel. The whole story just caught my attention and sent a shiver up my spine.

    Bloody wishes


  • RX-Queen
    June 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, That was the longest poem i've ever read, but it was exceptional. Very well written and the imagery is just perfectly wicked, it really felt like the campout from hell, very scary. Thanx for entering and good luck!

  • hipstorian
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    you have quite an imagination. I am a fan of dark poetry. a bit long for my taste but very vivid and imaginative.


  • newnoakua
    May 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, wicked awesome! Dark, creepy, and chilling, just amazing!!! I can't usually read poems this long but for some reason I just couldn't stop... truely amazing! And he was nice to someone... he was nice to the wolves... yea I'm twisted but this was really good.

    Best of luck in the contest!


  • LotusRyda
    May 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    hey man this is some wicked shit
    good write


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very good indeed, however it was WAY too long for my taste... I didn't even read all of it, because nothing can hold my attention for that long, no matter how good it is.

    The parts that I did read had their moments, and some of it was pretty damn creepy. I remember competing alongside you in Ktulu's challenges, and I have to say, you are a worthy adversary. Well done, and good luck!

    Laura x


  • Roaddog Wolf
    May 8, 2008

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    Well this was

    obviously a long poem and not really my cup of tea but it was well written.

    thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest


  • Butterfly24
    May 6, 2008
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    nice work deep and powerful keep on writing.


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    April 7, 2008

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    I loved this...it reminds me of the camp fire tales we used to tell when I was a boy scout...kinda eerie...lol

    Thank you for the entry and good luck

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**


  • SilencefillsMySoul
    April 4, 2008

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    really gory here but still well within my tolerance range! thanks for sharing and good luck in this contest. Congrats on your many well deserved previous trophies.


  • jamiedoring
    April 1, 2008

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    Holy sh#*!!!

    "Ah sensory deprivation
    Really heightens the fear!"

    YES....it CERTAINLY does.

    Amazing doesnt even touch the surface. This was enthralling, chilling, wicked, twisted. Oh MAN, I loved it on so many different levels.....to be able to carry a story like that, so long....holding attention with ease.

    Sinister as all hell. THANKS for this evil little buzz you gave me.....and thanks for this awesome entry.

  • dillpickle62
    April 1, 2008

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    Intense....

    Where's my flashlight? wow! That is deffently some wicked revenge. Good luck in this contest. Keep up the awesome writing your some serious competion for S. King that's for sure. Ew!


  • Willowhaunt
    March 28, 2008

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    Definitely dark and chilling, but not exactly a fantasy. Your imagery is sensational and your flow is pretty good, and the piece is overall exceptional. Well done.

    Keep Quilling,
    Whiskey


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    March 26, 2008

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    Ouch This was prettty gruesome. Awesome write though oh man was so long but it keeps the readers attention well Congrats on all the Golds wow thats impressive. Good luck in this contest


  • Eternally Fallen
    March 24, 2008

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    Wow....

    That was...disturbing...but very well written. Intense, and horrifying, I think you covered the option quite nicely. Good write, and good luck.


  • Synthetic-Nightmare
    February 18, 2008

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    WHOA.......

    THIS ONE IS FUCKIN AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
    HOLY SHIT MAN! HOLY SHIT
    If this was an actual person, he's make an AMAZING serial killer.....
    This was well written and the emotion well expresed
    KUDOS.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • romanticlyhopeless
    February 18, 2008

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    wow normally my short attention span would have exploaded from all that writing but you kept me hooked from the first line
    my favorite lines were the parts where you were describing why you had to kill them
    No piercing
    No black
    To be worn
    No Goth wanted
    Or needed
    In this
    Lily white clan
    Of do-gooder bullies!

    Go back to the freaks
    And the cellar dwellers
    You came from.
    Misfits
    Aren't welcome here!


    amazing write and even though i have probebly no chance againt this good luck in the contest and may the best writer win


  • xXsoulxcollectorXx
    February 9, 2008
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    it took me a lot of minutes to read this poem,but great write!!!thanks for entering the contest!!!


  • Zixaphir
    February 5, 2008
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    Sadisticly Twisted

    Wow, nice. I hadn't anticipated a story that would, y'know, actually be this terribly sadistic, with a slight sense of humor and actual use of *gasps* proper foreshadowing, and a splendid ability to justify its meaning, applying truthful moral by the end of it all.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    January 10, 2008
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    Wow that was long....I do feel it could be cut back a little, without taking away from the story. Which is fab by the way...you have an ember of darkness in you that shines when pen meet paper. Keep your pen handy, I have a feeling you may be needing it. Thank you for your wonderful entry and best of luck in my contest


  • SHadowHex666
    December 30, 2007

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    not bad

    a little long but really good. good job on pertraying the fear in this poem. keep up th good work and thank you for entering ny contest.


  • hommie-t
    December 13, 2007

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    its a wonderful plot with stanzas of vivid imagery. there were just several moments when spelling made me wince. just a pet peeve of mine


  • BigE
    December 7, 2007

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    You've certainly captured insanity in this piece, and normally I can't stand long poems, this one kept me wanting to read more. Very good entry, very descriptive, and so very psychotic.

    "Each scream,
    A paint stroke,
    On the canvas,
    Of his Masterpiece!"
    This stanza captivated me, and all I could think of was, brilliance. Nice entry, and thank you for entering.

    Depth: 10
    Flow: 8
    Literary Device: 10
    Comprehension: 9
    Total: 9.25


  • johnny nobody
    December 5, 2007
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    I love the idea of a Bonn fire! I suppose it was the sort they had before the German federal capital got moved back to Berlin. The Forrest fire idea is good too, I assume it's named after Forrest Gump or Tucker, neither of whose parents could spell either.


  • Oleander
    December 3, 2007

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    Great Poem

    I liked the poem. It may be a little over the top for some, but it wasn't overly morbid. It's a great poem! It's definately shocking. It was almost funny to me in parts.


  • x--nocturnia--x
    December 3, 2007

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    What a wonderful poem this is! Your grammar could do with a tune up, but overall, this is a brilliantly written poem!

    Alas, not quite 'vile'. Evil, brimming with darkness, hate and gore, but gore makes me giggle. A most enjoyable read, though not as putrid as I needed. Best of luck (this is well worth reading and that other gold )

    • x--nocturnia--x
      December 3, 2007
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      Oh, yes, and long as this was, I didn't mind at all! usually I do. THis enrapt me easily. Browni points (but still not putrid enough )


  • twilight seduction
    December 1, 2007

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    Too...much...content....couldn't pay attention to all of it, to be frank. Not all of your descriptions were necessary. And to be honst, I think this was a little over the top.

    Nice idea for the contest theme, mind you, it WAS what I asked for...but it could use some work. The whole satanic recurring theme wasn't done as well as I thought you could. There are more words than 'demonic prince.'


  • Melissa Burns
    November 26, 2007

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    (panting) I made it! lol - no seriously, usually my attention span is similar to that of a gold fish, but I really enjoyed reading this one! VERY good!!!


  • aslanlight
    November 13, 2007

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    I'd just like you to know it just took me half an hour to scroll down here and I wish I'd caught a bus!


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    November 12, 2007

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    GOOD GRIEF!!! Lmao wicked indeed..I usually stop way back there but this one had me hooked. well done here and best wishes to you in the contest
    Tory


  • aslanlight
    November 12, 2007
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    Scrumptious!

    • aslanlight
      November 12, 2007
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      Small thing, did you say the ones you killed off at first were nice to you and later on say the ones left were nice to you?


      • BluesMan gold member
        November 13, 2007
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        No But they did play a part in the second act as whitness to the exicution with Blind Innocence Bill


  • Lord Merlynn
    November 12, 2007

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    OMG! this is insanely wicked. A bit long for my (usual) tastes, but oh, so deliciously wicked. I love It. Thanks for entering.

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