When it's much too hard to treasure the rain
a silent muddy mixture
of pleasure and pain
wetting your boots adrift the mid-morning frost
through the haze
blank faced as though lost in dreams
When thoughts attacked the unaware mind
and caught you in mid ponder
quickly you turned inward your eyes
and looked out through the shadow
The excuses cannot satisfy
the hunger you cherish and suffer
no longer then can you deny
and mustn't remain further idle.
A contest entry
- The Jerk's Contest: Discover it! by Avatar of Innocence.
585 points, ended March 16, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Uncommon patterns of rhyme, huh? If you're going to write lyrics, keep a rhythm.
The last line isn't giving the impression of being a last line, and the lines
"through the haze
blank faced as though lost in dreams"
Broke the pattern of quartets as well as the philosophy-based topic, or at least that's what I think. Still. Good one.
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Eesh! Last line has a forced rhyme. Haven't seen those since Shakespeare. Goodness me! This poem has such strong aspirations, but Alas, did indeed fall short of what it attempted to do. Here is a small consolation prize. You can enter another poem if you want.
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