Transparent breaths,
of the invisible whisperer,
reveal themselves as waves,
upon the fruited plain.
Rolling across the sea of grain,
scattering the seeds of life,
upon the fertile soil.
The Great Sower.
Unseen hand grips the forest trees,
gently pushing and pulling,
swaying all,
leaving none untouched.
Dislodging the receivers of sunlight,
from the source they swore to nourish,
ending the season's symbiosis.
The Deliverer of Change.
I see ye not,
yet your effect thereof does fill my canvas,
not a mast shall bend without thee.
Billowing the sails of voyagers,
upon the great and many Mares,
the driving force of Man's discovery,
The Explorer.
Oh Mystical force,
Who can understand the origin of your being?
What manner of womb delivered you?
From what land did you arise?
To what Eden, do you rest?
To what end is your journey?
The Wondrous Mystery.
Logic aches to understand,
how you throw the sea upon the land,
tempest hearted, merciless gale.
As God's finger you do spiral,
the unrelenting torrent,
yet tamed by a child's Kite.
The Wind.
Author notes
Swaddling the moon, Lunar Radiance and several others.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week ( POW ) by Arkbear.
750 points, ended November 12, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - First step to being a featured Poet by W B Burkholder.
300 points, ended November 11, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites! by aeolia.
380 points, ended January 19, 2008, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A contest to find the best AP poem by Megan Awesome.
550 points, ended January 23, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - for the poets who think they can write imagery (pw allowed) by abuyi.
1200 points, ended January 24, 2008, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES!!!! by PerfectImperfection.
600 points, ended January 19, 2008, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Elements by BeautifullyBroken42.
425 points, ended February 16, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
An honest citique is well accepted
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Very well writen and intersting perspective on wind which was what I was looking for in the contest. Incredible! Good Luck but you won't need it
~Ruth~ -
A very intriguing piece of thought you have penned here. Well written, with a great sense of imagery to provoke the mine. Powerful write! Thank you for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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amazing work.. thanks for entering,
please take note of the rule 2 and 3
i like how you used words such "sower, deliverer", it presents uniqueness in your style -
amazing work.. thanks for entering,
please take note of the rule 2 and 3
i like how you used words such "sower, deliverer", it presents uniqueness in your style -
Im at a losee for words so applause away..
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content 7.2
vocabulary 8.94
accuracy 7.8
creativity 7.4
theme 7
originality 7
totals-45.34
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Again, I like the almost titling of every stanza. Good work.
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The poem was well written, and had a nice flow. Though it couldn't keep my attention. On a scale from one to ten I'd give it a 6. Thank you for entering my contest!!!
Megan -
Oooh very very well done!
I love this piece...a LOT
Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of the contest -
Wow!!!
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Wow
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Transcend All
I'm very happy you decided on this piece, I would missed a wonderful piece of art other wise. You were able to bring the canvas alive, layers, texture, all have captured my attention. I felt such a strong sense of child like wonderment, taming such an unpredictable energy. At the museum I love confronting a piece, standing within the energy, looking upon the layers, colors and textures so that I may understand the emotion, the intent. You piece hangs before me, showing very well the fine line power has in the this world, especially with nature.
Namaste'
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It was a wonderful write and I understand what you are going through. The inspiration has left me. Thank you for entering my contest it was beautifully penned.
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Wow. I agree with the other two posters below me. This is veery deep my Pirate Neighbor. Another excellent poem you have here. Congrats to winning the HM & Gold trophies that you've won for this. It was certainly well-deserved. You did an astounding job with this. Keep up the excellent work. Also, best wishes to you in the most recent contest that is not over yet. I hope you place. It would definitely deserve it. God bless you.
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Deep.
Thank you for your entry,
Best of luck.
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wow... this is deep... i love it! great job and best of luck in this contest!
~rocklover91 -
Against everyone else's opinion, I don't find the line that everyone says to be awkward as being awkward. It's okay & I think it fits (but, to each their own).
I liked this so much I read it twice.
Aden Recreated
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Very Nice
Exudes visions off Kahlil Gibran in his work entitled "Poets". Nicely done,
Evan
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OUTSTANDING!!!!
THIS IS JUST BRILLIANT BRILLIANT WRITING. NOTHING MORE TO BE SAID OTHER THEN II IS OUTSTANDING!!!!
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Wow ~
I must say, your editing has brought a New Life to this Poem ~
Please do not be offended by some of the other Poets reviews,....AS THE ONE BELOW THIS ONE :)
I have seen many Poets who Tear work up, as they think they are God......but to review and critique with a smile, takes more talent than being rude.....ie..>>>Transparent breath's of the invisible whisperer reveal themselves upon the fruited plain."
This is, by far, one of the most awkward opening lines of poetry I've ever read.I think this is fabulous.....and for a construction worker to ask this Fag his opinion, after the fact, is a real blessing to me ~
I thank you for trusting our Judgement ~
You had a wonderful entry.....now you have a Great one!
Be well and be blessed,
Bear ~
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It would take way more time than I'm inclined to offer right now to explain where, how, and why I think you should revise. So, I'll start with the first line.
If you'd like something more indepth, it'll cost ya. Please keep in mind, this is not a personal attack.
"Transparent breath's of the invisible whisperer reveal themselves upon the fruited plain."
This is, by far, one of the most awkward opening lines of poetry I've ever read.
An opening line does many things. It should grab a reader enough that it makes the reader want to continue to the next line. Because of that, special attention needs to be shown to grammar and rhythm.
1. Breath's is plural, but not showing ownership- no apostrophe.
2. There are 3 very strong images (which is good) in that first line. But because they are forced into one line and are very distinct, it is overwhelming and confusing. (Bad).
3. Take the three images: Transparent breaths, invisible whisperer, and fruited plain- try to figure out what the narrator is trying to say about each one.
4. While there is lots of room for expansion, epic poems, and whatever catches your whimsy, for me, poetry is about impact. A few words with a stronger punch is more beneficial. The whole first line could be broken down into:
Transparent breaths,
invisible whisper,
reveal (pick your metaphor)
like fruited plains.
The whole first line should be the entire first stanza.
Even if you are not into minimalistic poetry, in revision, I would go through and start slashing out words that don't matter. Then start revising.
The idea here is good, there is potential for beautiful imagery. It needs work. -
Your imagery here is one of the strongest points of the poem, and I love it. And as Bear said, a great balance of "show" and "tell".
In addition to Bear's suggestions on grammar/spelling...
"Mans discovery" needs an apostrophe to show ownership.
I think there are several places you could use a comma, both to help pace and slow down the reading of this, and to make things a touch clearer. One example:
"Unseen hand grips the forest trees (comma) gently pushing and pulling
Swaying all (comma) leaving none untouched."
With so much wonderful imagery, don't be afraid to let your readers stop or pause to digest it fully.
The long lines are something I'm not generally a fan of, though I didn't mind it overly much except for in that first stanza. I think it makes for a bit of a disorganized look on the page, but this still reads very well despite that.
Theme, originality, and lasting impression are all very good and will score well. Title...I think there are better choices that would give this great write the attention it deserves.
Thank you for your entry, and good luck in the contest!
Best wishes,
~J. -
This is really great seems you followed all the rules though I question the contest thing. I didn't see in the rules where it says u can't. I see you made a few boo boo's but that's what you get for doing it so quick
. Oh well. Good luck
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Well I think bear has covered all the grammar etc. This is a wonderful poem, you have portrayed some beautiful imagery. Just one tip, your poem MUST not be entered into any other contests until this one is over It is good to see you followed the rules by putting pow and theme in AN, there really is no need to put the rest in, syllable count etc. Here is your score...
Total ~~ 97.4
Well done, I hope to see you again -
Nice entry ~
*seeds of life*....scoot your words together, as you are double-spaced there ~
*I see ye not.....COMMA, yet**to what Eden?*
Bring it down, and CAP *To* ~
*unrelenting torrent, yet*.......do not CAP *yet*, as you have a COMMA before it ~
I think your Title, &The Wind*, is Very cliche', as I would have liked to see, *The Deliverer of Change* placed atop this great entry ~ ~
PLEASE.....NO EDITING WHATSOEVER, UNTIL AFTER EVERY JUDGE HAS REVIEWED YOUR WORK ~
:)
I think this is one heck of a write ~
Lots of Imagery....not over-kill....but balanced very well with *Show & Tell* ~
You stuck to your Theme and it worked well in the POW contest ~
I do hope to see your talents come bcak and grace this contest once again ~
Let's see how it scored on my scoreboard,
good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
Title 9.65
Flow 9.75
Depth 10
Theme 10
Feelings 9.85
Grammar 9.8
Presentation 9.85
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.9
Excellent score!
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Mark this is a brilliant take on the wind. I think you won this contest.Congtrats to you.
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Most enjoyable..( only one "s" in canvas) Good luck in the contest
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This is really good for a first time at
a PO....I love the theme, you portrayed the wind very well....I hope you score high in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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Good luck with this one Mark! I enjoyed the style you conveyed in this. Just a nice work overall! THANKS!!
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