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Desirous Wanderings

I miss
desirous
wanderings.

Embellishing,
raveled intrigue.

Frigid fleshiness,
admires open sores.

Squandering spurious,
lamp-coats, aphasia.

Prevalent to risk.

Spiritual interchange,
shaken precious modesty.

Alone with my dreaming.....

A carnival, captivated,
in coils of souls.

Doom-sayer,
say,
the end.

Let me rest.

 

A warrior death,   

sensuous dissipation.

 

Not to return,

 

Severed......

 

Luxuriously,

limp.

 

Carried to my hole,

 

forever immortal

 

forever........

 

 

forever........

 

Author notes

POW

subject: Doubting lovers

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 28 of 28
  • h202
    February 8, 2008

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    i absolutely fucking love your subtlety and restraint in this piece. i am so sick of reading poems that read like essays, and this is the exact opposite. it truly seems like you paid attention to each word you used in this piece, and that is fantastic. and the ending should be cheesy, but for some reason it works for me. "luxuriously,/limp" is a good line.
    that being said, you won't win this contest with this as much as i can appreciate it. you succeed in not wasting syllables and words, but fail in really driving home a punch or emotion. at least for me. this is goin on the finalist list because i like it and respect your talent and effort, but i think that it needs something to tie it all together, some idea or theme to run through it all that connects it. it seems so broken and separate with all the single lines. anyway thanks for entering this.


  • Ellis gold member
    December 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Unsure, don't understand this poem.


  • Jrokku No Hime
    December 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    That was very beautiful, I liked the over all feeling you were trying to express. It was dark, and every line made you want to keep going. Like one of those good novels you just don't want to put down


  • Sedasia
    December 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You handpick your words, that is my analysis of your work thus far. You take great pride in how you deliver your reflections. Nice work.


  • Angel Full Of Hurt
    November 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    A really remarkable write

    Maturity painted in this poem, talent splashed onto it, a pinch of a good idea, give it some word structures, choose a good background for your lovely work and there ya go a WONDERFUL PIECE written for all to see.

    I miss
    desirous
    wanderings.

    Embellishing,
    raveled intrigue.

    Frigid fleshiness,
    admires open sores.

    Squandering spurious,
    lamp-coats, aphasia.

    Parts like these are just SUPERB!


  • HeavenScent4U
    November 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely done David. I remember when you sent me this link the first time and I got sidetracked and didn't get to comment on it so I thank you for sending it my way again The thoughts and emotions behind this are very strong and the alliteration is just where it should be, not too much, not too little. Very powerful emotions here. Congrats on the silver, I wondered what it took to win one of Bear's contests, now I see Be well and be blessed


  • trista gold member
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I am not a big fan of short lines like this, but I think there is (just) enough substance in each line for it to work. Good theme, with a unique approach, and the alliteration gives this a nice rhythm.

    One thing I did notice was the word "Doom-sayer", which I don't believe is a compound word, so should just be "Doomsayer". And...did you mean to cap "Severed", since it is preceded with a comma? I'm thinking it might have been for emphasis, but it did trip me up for just a second. I have to be honest and say I'm not sure I would have completely gotten your theme without the author note...but due to some new medications I'm on, I question the clarity of my mind right now anyway, so I'm going to trust my co-judges on this. I'm not as big a fan of this style writing as I believe Bear is, but this is still good in my eyes, and I think will score well.

    Good luck in the contest and best wishes,
    ~J.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This had a great theme, very unique and you stuck to well. I enjoyed this write, it was full of feeling and imagery...well done. It was also good to see you stuck to the rules Here is your score...

    Total ~~ 98.2
    A fantastic score, hope to see you next time


  • DrunkenRam
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Guilty (everybody's Guilty)

    I really like this one, I will have to immerse myself in some more of your writings.
    Really talented.


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wow ~

    Good job David ~

     

    Your alliteration is wisely chosen, yet it could have destroyed such an intense write, had you used any more of it ~

     

    I think this entry played upon our thoughts and emotions with a perfect balance ~

     

    Your Theme has a great focus, and you did not stray from it once ~

     

    You kept on track and kept me reading wanting more ~

     

    If you can do that, you did a good job ~

     

    .....but everytime I looked over at your handsome picture....geeessh, I got side-tracked and had to start over.....STOP IT!!!!

     

     

    hehe ~

     

    NO EDITING AT ALL, UNTIL AFTER EVERY JUDGE HAS REVIEWED YOUR WORK BUBBA ~

     

    There is not really much to critique about this entry, as I am anxious to see what the other Judges think ~

     

    This is uncommon, and we enjoy *uncommonness* ~

     

    I would suggest, moving the last, *forever....*, over to the right a weeeee bit more, to get a little more dramatic affect out of your ending.....but not yet.....NO EDITING!

    One more thing.....I think topping this write off with a nice Metaphoric Title would have placed the icing on the cake......vs.....the same words you have in your first stanza ~

     

    Let's see how it scored on my grading scale...

    ....good luck to you and your entry,

     

    Brother Bear ~

     

     

    Title   9.65

    Flow   9.75

    Depth   9.8

    Theme   10

    Feelings   9.95

    Grammar   9.8

    Presentation 9.95

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.95

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score:  98.85

    Very nice.....let's hope it holds :)


  • sapphireangelwings
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked the way this flowed and your use of words and conception. doom sayer, say, the end. Let me rest. Wonderfully done!


  • cutiepie gold member
    November 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Good luck in the contest


  • islekine gold member
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Best of wishes in the contest.

    Was waiting to see if you are changing spelling on title...
    Full of emotions here.....nice use of words....
    *PEACE*


  • debilynn gold member
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    shouldn't it be desirous? great write. flows well. full os emotion. thank you for sharing this. keep writing! God bless you always


  • daisybee
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wonderful imagery and fantastic language you used here-
    Alone with my dreaming.....

    A carnival, captivated,
    in coils of souls.

    Sensual and toturous all at once. Great.


  • karma-n-peace
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Powerful write indeed!
    I absolutley love the way you put this together it so full of powerful expression and imagery.

    Doom-sayer,
    say,
    the end.

    Let me rest.

    Excellent!


  • FallenfromFaith
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow...that was incredible you can really feel the emotion in this peice. It's very well done. keep it up please.


  • Grimoire
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Rest well and be at peace. It is deserved after being through so much..... the tension, and stress feels like a crossbow pulled back and ready to snap forth an arrow.... it is such a great poem about death, and the journey of the precious moments just before.... very rich and textured in layers of depth......Nicely penned!!!


  • Life is a Beach gold member
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is very powerful. The word choice is exellent. "Alone with my dreaming..." such sad words...no one wants to dream alone! Great imagery and emotion in this write.


  • Jeremy0826 silver member
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the way that you put this together.
    A great piece that flows really well.
    Thanks a lot for sending this one my way.
    I appreciate it and wish you the best of luck
    with this one! Keep up the great work here!




    Jeremy0826

  • Justin3
    November 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Great write very unique, keep it up.


  • Whoochi gold member
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent...
    coils of souls" this brings envisions of what probably if honesty prevails what we have all dreamt of...you have captured, intrigue and spun it into sensual dialect for all to enjoy...well done!


  • Marctheman
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the way you wrote this piece, lots of emotions great choice of words, very intense,, and the imagery is really clear, but like you said a warrior never died the memories will stay for ever.  great write good luck in the contest.


  • penman gold member
    November 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Intense

    Powerful words you have penned. The doubts shine through with clarity. Best of luck in the contest.


  • quantumsurveyor
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is not only exotic but covertly(?) erotic. The balance is so good and the whole falls euphoniously on the ear.

  • ashjoe76
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very Good!

    Unique choice of words, but the flow is superb! It talks so deep and close to those who are willing to open up to the power of words. Lovely! Congrats and best regards

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