late afternoon –
and my breath the dark conspiracy
that gathers you; your body
open like a leaf - you
that shake and shriek,
tremble and tear
as the storm clouds of mine
lean forward
to transform our names
into wilder wind-
swept words:
squall sea spray spume etcetera
In a list
A contest entry
- gone with the wind - wind poetry by Namita.
300 points, ended November 12, 2007, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sensual - Erotic Prewrite Mania (18 and over ONLY) by B Chandler.
800 points, ended June 6, 2008, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 63 of 63
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etc... what an open way to end a poem. You are very skilled with the imagery of nature. I love the leaf part... I saw it as if it was after a good hard rain.
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At first, I didn't really catch onto this but after re-reading it again, subtle metaphors lept out which is normally hard to do with me. Sensually, that is the metaphor for this write. good luck
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Lovely
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Congrats on the silver, lovely poem...
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Thank you...
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Oh again! Such fantastic ending lines! I'm always a softie for good end lines. Your ability to say so much...I know, I keep going on about it! The way you work the sounds of the words in this is wonderful.
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I used to watch tree leaves to anticipate rain and it always gave me a sense of something connected, here everything seems ...connected; wonderful poetry ...PK
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Thank you PK....Loved how your comment connected with my poem
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lovely, nicolette..."and my breath the dark conspiracy/that gathers you"...what an amazing line. so full of imagery and feeling. this is an incredible poem. you always use such vivid language!
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Such a talent you are, lovely penning here and your words wrap right around the reader and guide us through with excellent imagery! I love this piece and as always it is a pleasure to read your masterpieces!
~Tia
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The ending was unexpected, but I loved it. Great alliteration/consonance.
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Thank you!!
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Jill and Michael are reading you in the evening. This poem is short like a grappling hook that spears only one fish at a time. Unlike my poems which are like huge nets catching all the shit I can in one sweep.......michael
nice poem -
So I have now read this five times and I'm still trying to figure out what I can say about it. Every time when I get to the end, I find the beauty of it just sweeps me away with the etceteras and the winds. I found the whole thing sensually climactic, and I really loved the line "my breath the dark conspiracy / that gathers you" and the way you ended with etcetera - very unique. There is one thing I am unsure of, and I have been trying to decide my stance on it for at least 10 minutes now lol. So I'll bring it up and you can consider it yourself. In "wind-swept words" you have the hyphenated word broken by a line break. On the one hand, I like the way it turns the first line into "into wilder wind." On the other hand, every time I read it, I have to go back to the word wind with it's open-ended hyphen and physically link it (at least in my mind lol) to the swept on the next line before I can continue reading in any way that makes sense. In other words, it interupts the flow a little lol. But anyways, there it is for you to consider, and there's not much more I can do from here - except read this piece again for pure enjoyment. Loved it!
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Thank you... I so love the way you look into a poem and the way you bring me back to think about line breaks, etc. Thanks dear - you're great
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interesting words.
I love this verse.
as the storm clouds of mine
lean forward
Has such a looming impact on the reader. Beautiful verse. Thanks for posting
S
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Thank you, Sedasia... time I visit a fellow Capricorn's page again
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Captavating, amazing!
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This poem is quite exciting and serene and comforting all at the same time..How did you do that to me? I find the looseness of word swept out of your mouth like the seaspray from a breeze...this is gorgeous....loved the ending...so many possibilities...Love a good poem that makes me wander off like the wind...and makes me think...and dream...and wonder, and...."etcetera" Excellent!
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Thank you very much, Whoochi - loved the "looseness of word"...even your comment is poetic!
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The mood of this one is really nice. I can feel the different strokes of the wind compensating our feelings. Indeed, a well deserve win
Lovely piece my friend.
Virgoan
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quite sensual... especially lines seven and eight, I know you wrote them, but they speak to me and I do not mind repeating them!
"as the storm clouds of mine
lean forward"
amazing!
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Thanks! I need to visit your page again too - I see you have posted a few new ones
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I especially loved the idea of summoning, how you played these words so beautifully.
It makes me yearn to write. I suppose that is one of the best things poetry can do...spawn more poetry.
I, unfortunately, must wait on the moment to give me the best words. I don't often find my words when I force it, though I want it so, but I suppose it is better to want something you don't have than to have something you don't want. So I'll just have to want for a while.
Until then, your words keep inspiring.
Take care,
Nick
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Thank you for the lovely comment, Nick. I'm actually the same... I too have to wait for the words - they don't come that easily. Hope you don't have to wait too long
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how do you do it? ..how..
how do you take nature and create from it... not only images ...but people..
it amazes me.. how you can make water breathe.
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You make me look good, Liza.... thank you..."how you can make water breathe"...that is so beautiful - I think there's a poem in those words!
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Somehow reminds me of Sylvia Plath. The use of imagery and metaphor is amazing, every word counts. I am not quite sure about the last line but this poem left me feeling like there should be more lovely writing on this page. Somehow, I just feel the need to know what happened after the storm. I still enjoyed it quite a bit though. Well penned.
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Emotions, as always, a lot of them are closed in the small bottle of beauty. Names transformed into winter wind-swept words... what a nice expression of feelings. congratulation for silver. It's well deserved.
~Sonja~
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Thank you, Sonja - and welcome back. I'm quite sure you experienced a few of these storms while away....
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I am in awe of the second verse. So tight, so terse, so evocative of child and soul tender intimate and vulnerable. Ageless in the way it captures the moment of trust and love.
In the same token, I hate the etcetera. It diminishes all that has gone before. Makes it feel, for me as if it matters little how much we are revealed and found -- only so much a bother to be so open.
Love, Tom B.
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Thank you for a lovely & honest comment, Tom. I know what you meant re the 'etcetera' but my intention was to show the endless posibilities of loving
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- congratulations.. didn't mean to send that right then..
this poem is stunningly beautiful..
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Thanks, Mary and congrats on your gold - well-deserved!! Btw... I love your morning glory pic...we have so many different names for morning glories in Afrikaans (or is it a petunia, lol)?
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etcetera- one of my favorite words- yet i've never used it in a poem- i should.. because it actually looks beautiful sitting here amonst your poetry...
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Loosened Sea Waters huh? Awesome. I'll be reading all of the poems there soon. This is absolutely beautiful as usual.
"squall sea spray spume etcetera"
Beautiful alliteration. And etcetera is such a beautiful word there. This is just so wonderfully penned. Beautiful poetry, Nic!
~Namita
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Ah, storms and the beautiful metaphors they birth when they pass your eyes my friend
and the last line -> sigh
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My vriendin
(or) Sweet Bokkie friend,
This is free verse with spaciation and lineation in full poetic control. Not so for the fury of the Cape of Storms [Or around the bedroom, either!]. Passionate storm seems so realistic: we get wild, electrical ones up on our Range.
How often have I seen a relationship on the big Screen come to its climax [for better, for worse!] during a storm raging outside.
We always wish for The Cape of Good Hope and find ourselves The Cape of Storms; but hey!
C'est la vie. *rose*
The metaphorical language applies to either gender, one way or the other. This is a classical piece of poetry, which, for its size, punches well above its weight in the thematic and memorable images.
I salute you, poet.
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i love how visual this piece is, and visceral. i, too, become someone else when the clouds clash and thunder threatens. the power of a storm invigorates.
i don't think anyone but you could've combined natural fury with aspects of a relationship in such a wonderful way.
you have a rare gift, my friend
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I love storms too - they are indeed invigorating - you are so right. Thank you for the lovely comment, Guy
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The sheer beauty of your poetry always leaves me speechless.
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Thank you, Jersene....
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this is a beautifully written piece...
"and my breath the dark conspiracy
that gathers you"
and the alliteration of the closing line works perfectly as does the final word, very nice Nic...
al
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Thanks, Al...such a lovely comment
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Beacons
It is the etcetera that stops me,
a lightning strike,
where, for a moment
I see every hunger of heart
in relief against
the seawall of my mind.
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Yes... so many etceteras that stop us.... you always put your finger right on the spot, Karen
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Nicolette . . . HOW DO YOU DO IT!!! Pack so much inner beauty in so few words . . . Please get that book published asap . . . I want to wear it thin, holding it in my withered hands.
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... thank you, Marc!!
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when in need of a sigh~ find Nicolette
so lovely hon.
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ahhh Bokkie girl... you broke my heart here.. such a beautiful piece... so sigh laden
yes
sigh
that is it.. and it does fill the lungs of love.. for sure
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And now you've filled my eyes too... thank you, Gilly...
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Marvellous final line that closes a beautifully crafted song made in ink. Thank you for this
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Nicolette, my vriendin, you have written the words I long to speak to my Bryan right now. I think I will dedicate this to him. This is pure and lovely. Lief vir jou my vriendin.
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I'm so happy that this one spoke to you, Robin... and of course you can dedicate it to Bryan. Lief jou, my vriendin
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You blew me away!
Completely swept up in the moment...
"as the storm clouds of mine
lean forward
to transform our names
into wilder wind-"
Superb, Scribe.
~ Nicky♥
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Beautiful, short but exotic/erotic love.
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Blow your gale SA queen of soulful image...let your deeper well remember...what is wild inside your hollow... lovely
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a whirl of words, a collision of differentials. wind swept
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the wind swept me to the moon today...
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"and my breath the dark conspiracy
that gathers you; your body
open like a leaf"
Such superb imagery & content, my dear Friend...as always. Good luck in the contest, Sweetie. Love you, Woman. Vlindertjie
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just beatiful.....
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