I know people who breathe black
The smoke bellowing out
Smells like coal and death
A sickeningly sweet Puff
One Warning of Cancer
Building up within your lungs
It's sultry dimensions captivate
And I've no idea why
Suffocating,addicting,strong
I have breathed in black too
From within You...
A contest entry
- breathes black by Cat.
700 points, ended November 18, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me Everything you've Got by CrystalJet.
600 points, ended March 14, 2008, 318 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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It is a strong piece. It paints smoking as the dark and bleak thing that it is.
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Thank you! I thought you would like this too. ^^
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Excellent !
Sure is motivation for me to stay OFF the cigarettes...well penned and very thought provoking
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Thank you. Maybe I'll give you the inside scoop on this poem sometime. lol
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Hmmmm....
Now I'm curious
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I can see this taking a great metaphoric direction if toyed with. I do like it as is, at first I wasn't too sure where you were going. It did make me think. A good piece.
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Thank you!
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Wow, this is really powerful and it can be interpreted so many ways... Love the imagery.
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I really like the imagery you use. It portrays a really strong message, making it clear what you think.
I really like the words you used in lne 7 too. The only thing I thought souned kinda weird was in the last line where you have it say "Within in". It sounds like you're repeating it. You don't have to change it though, that's just my opinion.
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no you're right it was a type-o.
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Oh, ok. Good thing I said some thing then! ^_^
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yes thank you very much.
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Before I've even read Mary's comment I was too was thinking how well you've moved from the literal to the metaphorical - well done.. that was a sharp turn.
~ Nicolette
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Thanks!
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i like the analogy you wove into this- you snap impressively from a very literal translation to a metaphorical translation- of the prompt
nicely done- thank you -
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I'm so bad at giving thanks comments on time.
Sorry for the two year delay!
Thanks! lol
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yuck smoke. i can even smell it in this poem, thats a good thing to write images that invoke smell... lot of feeling in this, you really dont even need to cap a lot of these words, they are pretty strong impact without the caps. best of luck and i am glad you do not smoke.
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Oh like a virus, killing inside like the pain we always felt...
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