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old world religion

i belted marijuana hymns
from the core of blackened lungs;

exhaled comatose prayers--
smoke-ring shaped
and laced with
disbelief;

fingered addictions
too complex to label,
yet too abundant to deny;


and still, one question clung to
chapped lips-- crusted with blood:



forgive me?


Author notes

-title is significant.
-work in progress.

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Comments


  • Shenanigans
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the descriptive words--"from the core of blackened lungs" "fingered addictions" and "exhaled comatose prayers." I thought the line "chapped lips--crusted with blood" sounded a little awkward, I think the word chapped threw me off. Have you considered using cracked? [that's like, the SUPER-chapped phase.] also maybe add a line instead of the dashes--that way you can have the same ambiguous meaning without interrupting the flow. Just a thought. All in all great write, I really like your style and hope to read more of your work in the future. Keep it up!

    --Shannon

  • vertigo beat
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    -exhaled comatose prayers--
    that reminded me about that new aqua toy scare. So creepy that a toy turned out to be a date rape drug (GH .

    Well done.