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A Moment's Grace.

 

 

 

 

 

Indifference,
transparency veils the apparent
discord,
as disharmony strokes the egos
of the mantles of power.


Listen to the soft noise of
women sobbing for their right
to fear nothing as men move
forward to defend all and country.


False the promises made with
reckless haste,
by ones whose voices carry farthest.


Too soon the day of reckoning
inches forward,
quickly stripping contentment
and peace for all who crave it.


Stand helplessly by and watch
the world fragment into shards
of hatred,
or speak out in voices of angels.


Spread the words of  hope,
forgiveness and love.


Paint the universe in colours
of happiness, of children's
laughter as ambrosia,


not in the garb of death
and destruction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

POW
Subject: Mankind's flaws.Prelude to either man-made global world wars or religious wars, either way, both horrific.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • storiesuntold
    November 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Nice work here

    I found this piece penned very well


  • Candy6
    November 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Great write.


  • LadyLavender silver member
    November 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this is beautiful. Worthy of the prize.

    Good luck!

    Smile.


  • Floorboards
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautifully written with depth and real feeling, a thought provoking write,
    well done and good luck in the contest,
    Floorboards.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    There were some long sentences there, could have used something to break them a little. I agree with bear, it read a little rushed. In saying that tho' it was a brilliant write with a great theme. Over all a nice piece. Here is your score...

    Total ~~ 97.3
    A fab score, hope to see you next time

    • cutiepie gold member
      November 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Many thanks for the kindness and the lovely critique


  • trista gold member
    November 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Welcome back to the POW, cutiepie.

    This write has a lot going for it; The originality, theme, and presentation are all wonderful. The flow wasn't bad...I too felt it needed to be slowed down a bit, either with punctuation or by being broken into stanzas, because there is so much depth here to absorb. It does make for a quick read, but I think this is one that really deserves more than that.

    A few things to note:
    In your title, "A Moments (Moment's) Grace"
    "the ego's
    of the mantle's of power." Did you want "ego's" and "mantle's" (possessive) or "egos" and "mantles" (plural) ?
    "by ones who's voices" "who's" is short for "who is" or "who has", so I think you wanted "whose" there.
    "liquid gold" is something I've seen used soooo often, very cliche.

    Beyond those few things (which really only affect 1 category) I think this is a fantastic write. Nice job once again!

    Thank you for the entry, and good luck in the contest.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


    • cutiepie gold member
      November 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Trista, I know how busy you are but if you get a free moment could you please re-read this poem as I have edited it and I think it is more powerful now? Thank you


      • trista gold member
        November 14, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        I've reread this several times now...and you've done a great job, especially of slowing it down. I agree that it has more power now, too. There's also something here I see, that you may or may not be aware of, may or may not have intended...

        "Listen to the soft noise of
        women sobbing for their right
        to fear nothing as men move
        forward to defend all and country."

        Reading that stanza and then the ones that follow it, I really felt the focus and theme of the poem could be war, or something related to it. If not for the author note, that's what I would assume it to be about.

        "Stand helplessly by and watch
        the world fragment into shards
        of hatred,"

        There, I pictured young men and/or women facing the reality of war for the first time...

        "not in the garb of death
        and destruction."

        And there, what a perfect ending that again (for me) ties to bringing peace to the world instead of the violent path we so often, even now, find ourselves on.

        One of the many things I love about poetry is that it can often be interpreted in a hundred different ways, by a hundred different people. It's one reason I both love and hate having poets state their theme in these contests. On one hand, it helps us know where the author intended to go with the poem. (And trust me, we NEED that sometimes! ) But on the other hand, it makes us try and fit the poem into a specific "box", instead of us finding our own meaning within.

        Well...in any case, I love the edit. Thank you so much for bringing me back to this poem. I liked it before, and I love it now.

        See you again soon, (I hope!)
        ~J.


    • cutiepie gold member
      November 13, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Trista, as always such a wonderful help. It is very much appreciated and yes I will return


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Nice entry ~

    From *listen*....to....*country*....there is nothing to slow me down enough to allow me to absorb your important thoughts ~

     

    *furthers*....should be...*farther*

     

    From *stand*....to....*love*.....anbother run-on line which seems to keep me from seeing all that you penned here ~

     

    I need you to slow down cutie......I felt rushed in this write ~

     

    I know your Quill and the magic it brings to my monitor.....but this entry is getting hit hard ~

     

    OK.....I think this Theme is played out well.....a little off-the-beaten-track maybe....but I think you stuck to your Theme fairly well, and presented it wonderfully as always ~

     

    I do feel those areas I mentioned are Very important for the Reader, as we must be able to connect with your level of thought on every line, or it slows our Flow down trying to keep up with your Quill ~

     

    Some Poets may not mind it......but the Bear does ~

     

    :)

     

    Let's see how well you did, shall we?

    PLEASE, NO EDITING AT ALL!

     

    Good luck to you and your entry Hun,

     

     

    Bear ~

     

     

    Title   9.55

    Flow   9.25

    Depth   9.8

    Theme   10

    Feelings   9.85

    Grammar   9.85

    Presentation 9.95

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.95

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score:  98.2

    Woo Hoo!

     


  • glitterydoom
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the flow of the peom! And I love the last few lines

    Paint the universe in colours
    of happiness, of children's
    laughter as liquid gold,
    not in the garb of death
    and destruction.

    Good luck in the contest!!


  • islekine
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Your theme is great.

    And so is the flow...and content. I really like this!
    I hope you score well in the contest. Best of luck!
    Write on!
    *PEACE*

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